Notes to reader: I haven't posted anything new in a long time, and this was something I started working on shortly after I posted The Scarecrow, I wanted to expand the idea of personifying something inanimate (give them human attributes).
In the poem below that I hope you will read, I have tried to present myself in the form of a house. There are effectively three different sections in this poem that I hope will later become more evident; the exterior, the statue and the interior. Putting this into perspective we now have my physical form, a representation of myself and my mind.
I'm wide-open to criticisms, please pick up anything if you can, most notably my use of vocab, as Grinchman042 puts it, is it "too wordy?", thankyou.
Projections of a Fictious House
It rests, habitually, atop a grassy elevation, blending comfortably in with the alfresco milieu, a pure-white alabaster epidermis, a house congenial for many, but sparsely occupied.
Yet it doesn’t have, as one might anticipate, arches and columns in a classical style designed by another splendour-impaired architect, but is modernistic, introspective and unique.
And it reflects the new-dawn radiance of the sun, in all it’s eminence, still stands resilient, resisting the rampage of the violent storms that strike without warning, threatening to shake the very foundations of its being.
But the atonement of such unprecedented assaults, takes its toll, remorselessly, upon the several statues that cast their penumbras like pellucid auras, upon the southern balcony, overlooking the pristine garden.
Dehumanized. Whatever expression the solid faces once depicted has been weathered and conditioned by uncontrollable forces, re-worked by an invisible hand, so now it appears; just an effigy, without consciousness.
On and through the great gilded oaken doors that haul forcibly open, with a reluctant, creaking groan. Onto the chessboard marbled floor where it is impossible to move, more than one, slow, step, like the lowly pawn.
It is asphyxiating, unnerving, claustrophobic, in the room with no lights and blacked-out windows, where every picture bears the same haunted eyes, that transfix, in some kind of twisted rhapsodical revulsion.
The once glorious red satin and velvet wallpaper, has been wrenched down, down into perdition and now lies on the ground in some half-negligent mockery, a final flourish of a former fairytale-beautiful era.
The old plaster is crumbling, the dusty seraphic designs, have been maliciously mutilated by some unholy bane, the exits shrink to insignificant pin-pricks of light I’m alone, in my house, again.
best wishes, Hope {Grant}
I found your picture today I swear I'll change my ways I just called to say I want you to come back home I just called to say, I love you come back home (Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock)
Stella Splendens December 22, 1985 - March 27, 2003 RIP
[This message was edited on 04-19-03 at 03:46 PM.]
Posts: 1773 | Location: Devon, England | Registered: 02-04-02
Wonderful use of vocabulary here…I think wordiness fits the style of this poem. This is sad…too sad and knowing for someone so young, I think.
that haul forcibly open, with a reluctant, creaking sigh. *sigh should be groan or something like it , sigh is too light for such a heavy door.
in all it’s eminence,. Still stands resilient, resisting Typo here?
Fav stanza:
Dehumanized. Whatever expression the solid faces once depicted has been weathered and conditioned by uncontrollable forces, re-worked by an invisible hand, so now it appears; just an effigy, without consciousness.
*Shakes her head in wonder and amazement – well done. Thanks for sharing
The optimist calling on a great pessimist
"I believe that when death closes our eyes we shall awaken to a light, of which our sunlight is but the shadow." - Arthur Schopenhauer
I had to stop half way and post my reply. I read the first two stanzas and stopped. This trype of poetry isnt new to me, but it has been a while since I've seen it around. I bow my head give you much respect because it truly is hard to describe and capture the essence of an object that to the naked eye looks plain and empty.
I'm sure this has been said, but I like you'r vocab also. You didnt stick with the basics ie.nice house, big house, lovely house etc. which really makes this piece stand out. Another thing that I saw is that you dont try to rhyme and thats important here, good stuff. I think i should go and read the rest now....
Grant you never disappoint for long word cravers like me. I think I will save this one and read it whenever I feel like my brain needs a re-juve.
Mmm, the lovely thing about a house though, as per your analogy, is that it never ceases to be a house. Whatever happens to it, whatever it "does", it remains a house.
"Not in vain" may be the pride of those who survived and the epitaph of those who fell. Winston Churchill, September 28, 1944 You cannot run away from a weakness. You must sometimes fight it out or perish; and if that be so, why not now, and where you stand? Robert Louis Stevenson Belesprit's Blog.
Posts: 1337 | Location: far away | Registered: 06-21-02
I am agape at the way your talent and full potential shines through this. Brilliant use of vocabulary (personally, I don't think it has become too verbose..), and a wonderful combination of words makes for a riveting read.
However I did notice this: The old plaster is crumbling, the dusty seraphic designs, have been maliciously mutilated by some unholy bane, the exits shrink to insignificant pin-pricks of light I’m alone, in my house, again.
A 'house'.. 'tis so different from a 'home' isn't it Grant? I'm wondr'n whether you put that word in there purposely, juxtaposing with the descriptions before that verse. Anyhow, I hope you find a 'home' (not a house ) filled with warmth, love and everything that makes you happy.
Thank you for sharing! Very well done.
--------Sanya--------
Stella Splendens December 22, 1985-March 27, 2003 Rest In Peace --- I found your picture today I swear I'll change my ways I just called to say I want you to come back home I just called to say, I love you come back home (Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock)
Posts: 2558 | Location: Middle of Nowhere | Registered: 04-12-02
quote:I'm wide-open to criticisms, please pick up anything if you can, most notably my use of vocab, as Grinchman042 puts it, is it "too wordy?", thankyou.
One word - yes.
Well, let's make that two words - yes, probably.
This poem shows off your talent for word usage and description. If that is your objective, you've done very well.
However, if this, like most poetry, is about the message, your overusage of "long word"s just gets in the way. This message, I think, could be much more effectively communicated with simpler verbage and shorter length overall. I'll not go through examples here; the majority of the work is my example for this critique. I'll PT you later, and we can go through this, if you want.
I want to reemphasize - here, it is not your writing, but rather your use of style that I am critiquing. Your thoughts were well-conceived, and your ending was an excellent way to wrap up the piece. Your use of verbage here was, if not "flawless," still very good. I just think that this piece is a misapplication thereof. Like I said, I'll PT you when I have time to go through this more in depth.
"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..." - Jack Kerouac, On the Road
luvleetasha- Thankyou for picking up the typing error and for your suggestion. I wrote a first draft for this awhile back and then when I looked at it recently I changed the line, but didn't think to look back at the verb. I'm glad you picked up on that, people's imput means a lot.
Sinister- It started off as a piece I wanted to rhyme but in the end it got to compleicated and I wanted to say and present too many things that I gave it up. I thankyou for complimenting my work, however I think you reiterated Grinchman's point in that it's too wordy so people are unlikely to want to read it. If you didn't mean that, don't worry, I'm just thinking.
Belesprit- Thankyou for your reply, it was hard to try and give the hosue human emotions, I don't think I really pulled it off sucessfully, maybe I'll come back to this again at a later stage and update it with an edit. It is still a house, but I'm wondering whether or not it is always an analogy.
Song bird- Although it's very nice to have such heaped praise from you, I'd rather you not say something like
Oh how I wish I could write like that.
You like my work, I like yours... it balances out.
Sanya- I didn't put it intentionally I was always thniking about a house and not a home because it was never intended to be an all-round comfortable and happy home. It had to reflect my personality... that says it all I guess.
Grinchman042- I'm glad you replied, if you like, I was almost waiting, I knew that I had used a lot of big vocabulary and I wanted to see people's reactions. I'd really like to hear your suggestions so if you do have the time please open up a PT, I'd like to put some of my ideas in there too, but I'll wait until I see some of your opinions on screen. Thankyou very much for replying, it's so much more interesting when there is criticism to work with.
lordoftoads- I guess it all depends upon my intended audience... your reply was possibly one of the bluntest but best replies I've received during my time here at Quoteland, thankyou.
best wishes, Hope {Grant}
I found your picture today I swear I'll change my ways I just called to say I want you to come back home I just called to say, I love you come back home (Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock)
Stella Splendens December 22, 1985 - March 27, 2003 RIP
Posts: 1773 | Location: Devon, England | Registered: 02-04-02
...I should be glad I'm finally going to an optrician in May it would seem... Darned eyes...
Now, before I begin anything else I must say;
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiy!!!
Wow. Brilliant, not at all "too wordy" and I wouldn't worry about such things too much. Write for an audience like yourself if you need to, don't feel compelled to use a constraint as so many writers do. Criticism, not at all! This is one of those pieces that simply has no downfalls! Brilliant! (I repeat myself and I'm raving... Oh dear...)
Keep up the excellent work! Fuzzies!
°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° Sole property of ~Twister~.
'Keep up the __insert_suitable_adjective_here___ work!'
I knew this was going to be "wordy" so I went and dug out my dictionary before I began. Some people may be put off by the long words - it makes it harder to read but I believe that only adds to its affectiveness. It makes it interesting to read in itself, a challenge without even considering the subject. Even without understanding every word it would still be possible to understand the poem to a certain point and appreciate the subject. On top of that - you said this poem was about you. The style you have written in is unique, complex and sometimes confusing I believe that fits you perfectly. This was brilliant, deep, sad - an amazing read. Keep writing. Kale na kale Fictious?? - fictitious???
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing than to teach ten thousand stars how not to dance - e e cummings
) filled with warmth, love and everything that makes you happy.
