A Villanelle



You Left In The Lightning And Rain

You left in the lightning and rain
Without a chance to say good-bye.
You left in the thunder and pain

With your friends on a country lane.
You were driving I can’t deny.
You left in the lightning and rain.

Crossing the tracks, struck by a train.
Sudden and senseless way to die,
You left in the thunder and pain.

A force seatbelts could not restrain.
Your face uplifted toward the sky,
You left in the lightning and rain.

Tufts of hair gone and bits of brain,
Mangled, bloody, quietly you lie.
You left in the thunder and pain.

Life now seems brittle and insane.
You were my “catcher in the rye”.
You... left in the lightning and rain.
You... left in the thunder and pain.

Nick
October 22, 2002

I can trace my lineage back to King Lear's fool, so it is genetic.
Nick

I've been reading so many sad posts today...maybe it's a learn-from-pain day. *shrug* I liked this piece mainly because it was simple. Too many adjectives and metaphors sometimes clogs my brain that I totally miss the message! But yours came through clear. My favorite line:

Life now seems brittle and insane.

Brittle. Now, that's a good adjective. Thanks for sharing this one...

belesprit

A sad and tragic subject, but an excellent
villanelle. I especially like the way you bent the rules (just a little) for the last two lines. Very powerful!

Very touching Doc.

Your talent with words takes your poems to levels of emotion rarely reached by other writers. I know how close this one must be to your heart.

-----
What's done can not be undone.
Lady MacB

To put such significance into such a difficult genre,well, bravo! Nick.

We are all captives of the picture in our head -- our belief that the world we have experienced is the world that really exists.~Walter Lippman

Surgeon50...

The "villanelle" part of this gives the poem added power, making the read as an unexpected bellyflop -- a fruitless gasp in a great void of Pain.

I can (and do) pray that in the penning, thereof, you have found some measure of relief...or maybe "release" would be more accurate.

The last stanza's two-line word variation is an ingenious use of raw poignancy...grievous, effective, and oh, so sobering.

A warm hug from one who sorrows with you,

Limn

Love has been honoured by the words you have devoted to it.

Your writing echoes with a terrible sadness, in a beautiful expression. You've done well here, Dr. Nick.

Sending you warm smiles, and positive energy.

Deanna
Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight,
You've got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight

the wordsmith strikes again. This poem is a snapshot of sadness and emotions. Each frame draws your closer to the writer and the message.
Your poetry no matter the content makes some us want to perfect our craft and reach for the levels where you are writing from. Keep writing and I will keep reading and learning.

Rico

When in college, I lived in the basement of an apartment building owned by a married couple, both teachers. Jody was vivacious, funny, ambitious, and well respected by fellow colleagues and students. She told me once how a student had said to her, "I want to be just like you when I graduate."

She looked at me with the saddest eyes in the world and said, "If they only knew the heartache that has brought me to this place, they'd never envy what they perceive as a great life."

I don't think anyone on QL writes with more pathos than you, Surgeon50. We all aspire to craft equally moving works, but the price is so terribly, terribly high; I grow faint-hearted at the personal cost a poet such as yourself has paid to become the uncommon poet.

Life now seems brittle and insane.
You were my “catcher in the rye”.
You... left in the lightning and rain.
You... left in the thunder and pain.

A lament of psalm-like proportions.....

Aire

"And in the end, after the pruning, both the fruit of the vine and 'fruits' of the heart become fine wine." \Doug/

Hi surgeonNick!

I hope this truly didn't happen! This is SOOOO heartbreaking! But if it was, the villanelle is the perfect vehicle for releasing pain (it's so painful to write one!) Having tortured myself through one (and I think it will remain an only child), I can truly appreciate the craft you have woven into this one. It is poignant, the flow is smooth, the language, powerful and vivid. Well, anything I have to say pales in comparison with the message of this villanelle so I'll just shut up and earnestly wish comfort for you. MM

"Is that my soul that calls my name?" Willy Wonka

Surgeon,

What to say? I truly admire you for what you have created. I have read two villanelle's this week so equal in power and meaning and yet; they are as different as the sun is to the moon.

A beautiful tribute Nick, your prowess in poetry is unmatched. Again; bravo..

Northern lights

"I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work."
-Thomas Alva Edison

Life now seems brittle and insane.
You were my “catcher in the rye”.

It seems like the skies are crying for your loss.. your pain can be felt throughout, leaving us wondering whether the rain can ever wash away the sorrow..
beautifully written.. thank you for sharing!


--------Sanya----------

“Do what you think and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”-Richard Bach

The moving finger writes
And having writ, moves on
Not all thy piety nor wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a line
Nor all thy tears wash out a word of it.

Doc,
Sometimes the hardest things in life to hold onto are the things that cause us the greatest heartaches. Your talent shows not only a mastery of the written word, but a talent to evoke deep emotional response from your readers. Were I ever to be remembered with such beautiful words then I would know that I had been loved this deeply. The pain you captured is still as fresh today as it will be tomorrow but know you shared it with so many who feel your pain. When springtimes comes this year and the earth bursts forth it's newborn roots, I shall sit somewhere quiet and let my tears flow for all the pain it took to travel these roads so long. Perhaps then I will find comfort in knowing that I did not travel this road alone, it was made by those who walked the path before me and those who walk beside me in my hour of need........May the pain slowly ease one day so that the rain will make you smile.....Gem


"Praevalent illicita...Tacitus-Annales. XIII"

I want to thank all of you who replied. It is always nice when someone thinks enough of your work to respond to you.

belesprit, I am sorry it was a sad day for posts. My intention was not to make it worse for you. That was my favorite line as well. Thanks for your comments.

\Doug/, this was my first villanelle and I enjoyed writing it but it has definite limitations. Thanks for the praise. I always roll around in it excessively.

rhon831, thanks for your reply. Yes, it was emotional for me. I hope it showed through into the poem.

Grneyes3737, a bravo from \Doug/ and now you... thanks.

Limn, thank you for noticing the belly flop. When I designed the first stanza, I did it so the belly flop would be there by the time it reached the last two lines. I was hoping it might work.
As always your comments are highly respected. I will take these with two grains of salt.

Obiter Dictum, it is so nice to have you back. Thanks for the post, warm smiles and the positive energy

Rico, thanks for the compliment. Even though we have very different styles, I like yours.

Airedale, thank you for sharing the example of your teacher. I found a lot of truth in it but not a lot of comfort for the future. You said:
We all aspire to craft equally moving works, but the price is so terribly, terribly high;

But if one has already paid the price, maybe one might as well write the poem. This post is one of the best I have received on QL. Thanks.

Mystcheif Maker, You said "Oh, I hope this wasn't reality based!" You might check out a previous try of mine to make the same tribute.

http://forum.quoteland.com/eve/forums?a=tpc&s=586192041&f=207192712&m=6301948985

Thanks for your compliments.

Northern lights, I think you give me too high of praise but thanks and thanks for the "bravo" as well.

$anya, thanks for your comments. Those were my two favorite lines as well.

Gemini7tat, thank you Gem and I am so glad you are back. I know you are experiencing some deep emotion now as well. It always makes me more sensitive to others. As far as someone writing a piece like this for you after you are gone, just don't survive all the poets on QL. Thanks again, Gem.

Again, I thank you all for being kind and sensitive.

Nick

I can trace my lineage back to King Lear's fool, so it is genetic.
Nick

quote:

---

You were my “catcher in the rye”.

---

How beautifully depressing.

________________

i believe that harmonies are colours
every time i paint it sharpens my harmony.
yesterday i tried to paint you,
but the colours weren’t beautiful enough.
~Beyonce Knowles.

________________
-LaLi

Thanks for bumping this, CB (and thanks to LWAS for bumping "11th of Sept.").

My heart still aches when I read the author-survivor's mournful memories and his loss of innocence.

Agape always,

Airedale

For if sprinkling ceremonially unclean persons with the blood of goats and bulls and the ashes of a heifer restores their outward purity; then how much more the blood of the Messiah, who, through the eternal Spirit, offered himself to God as a sacrifice without blemish, will purify our conscience from works that lead to death, so that we can serve the living God!" ~Messianic Jews 9:13-14, Complete Jewish Bible

CB thanks for the bump and Airedale I always knew you would reply .

Currently there are approx. 2292 poems in the poetry forum and 9814 in the OWC, and frankly, how many of them would be remembered? And how many poems are there that make one feel EACH time one reads them? I do not know about others or how-manys’ but this one is.
Somehow I think had this been a poem with a more sophisticated vocabulary, this might not have been as stirring. This is bare and clawing (but not barely clawing, this is quite clawing! ). Elegance.

"Sudden and senseless way to die,"
-"senseless", that strikes. True true.

"A force seatbelts could not restrain.
Your face uplifted toward the sky,"
-that is fantastic wording. As if implying, beckoning of the heavens overpowered the protection of seat-belts.

When I had written my first villanelle and had made it quite "laden", someone privately recommended reading yours (this one) as an exemplary neat and fantastic villanelle (I agree to its being so). They mentioned an "ironic twist" in the end, in this villanelle. I had earlier noticed the twist, but not the irony. I had taken the "…" to be there for an effect - it gave this pause while reading and made it all the more poignant, to convey speechlessness maybe. I now figure the irony, or "belly flop" as Limn mentioned above, is that the lines earlier imply that (you) died in the rain, and in the end they imply, your death left in/brought pain and rain (symbolic). In any case, that was creative and effective.
The last stanza is my favourite.

I wonder if the lack of punctuation in the refrain in stanza one is purposeful? Maybe the lack of full-stops indicates the uncertain, shokced coming-to-terms phase and in the other stanzas the full-stops indicate a sense of finality, or maybe I am reading in way tooo deep .

Now that I am critiquing this, let me pop in with a nit too…
"You were driving I can’t deny."
~I wonder if this was this just to rhyme.. not being able to deny that someone was driving.. but maybe you meant something that I missed. Maybe you imply a feeling of inevitability, like you couldn't change that he was driving.. and thus not change what happened. Not a biggie nit in any case. And hey I honestly hope my saying this does not offend you, but you know me !

The first lines of most stanzas are a graphic, poignant, (yet) poetic description of the situation, the second lines your feelings. And the refrain is stirring. How long did it take for you to form the two lines of the refrain? Such lines stay in mind always, so even if it took a week just to form those lines they are a worthwhile investment!

In your reply you wrote,
"But if one has already paid the price, maybe one might as well write the poem."
-That is a golden attitude.

Thanks for writing and sharing this, even if it took you just 39 years to attempt that my dear. I send a prayer up for Jerry… and you. I am wondering how loved Jerry would feel to be so remembered and loved deeply. The pain would stay within you. Just know that you are not alone.

----
"Do-you-mean-to-say," cried the excited Rat, "that this door-mat doesn’t tell you anything?"
"Really, Rat," said the Mole quite pettishly, "I think we’ve had enough of this folly. Who ever heard of a doormat telling anyone anything? They simply don’t do it. They are not that sort at all. Doormats know their place."
-From "The Wind in the Willows" by Kenneth Grahame

[This message was edited by LetswriteNshare on 09-13-04 at 02:41 AM.]

bump

Lest we forget Life is fragile ...

Lest we forget to marvel how aching human hearts can take such ugly pain and force poetic beauty (albeit melancholy) from it ....

Perhaps my favorite villanelle.

------------------------------
The opposite of joy is not sorrow. It is unbelief. ~ Leslie Weatherhead

My sincerest wishes with you my dearest friend, may God bless your preciousest brother.


Have faith..... I do.

[This message was edited by LetswriteNshare on 09-11-05 at 03:07 PM.]

It is that time again. We share the joys and sadness of your memories expressed most eloquently.