Swirling, violent mass of thoughts, going 'round in my head:
'What are you thinking?' I never know anymore! 'Why does she accuse you of these things?' She's right. 'No she isn't.' She always said she knew me better than I knew myself. 'And...?' She's right. 'No, never. Don't give in.' I have to, I don't want to fight anymore.
You say one thing And I believe you.
Logical and stable, It always seems this way.
My own mind is always different When I am not around you.
"Not in vain" may be the pride of those who survived and the epitaph of those who fell. Winston Churchill, September 28, 1944 You cannot run away from a weakness. You must sometimes fight it out or perish; and if that be so, why not now, and where you stand? Robert Louis Stevenson Belesprit's Blog.
[This message was edited on 04-21-03 at 11:11 AM.]
Posts: 1337 | Location: far away | Registered: 06-21-02
Belesprit- Hmm, I thought this was very different from your usual work, so I guess you'll be wanting some criticism, it really seems like everyone is trying something new recently.
You say one thing And I believe you.
I think the 'you' should be made into 'you'll' because the piece feels as if you are informing the reader and that this isn't directly targetted or meant to be shown to the person that is manipulating you.
One other small spelling error, it should be succumb.
Otherwise I liked it, especially the end, where you reiterate fighting for independance but finally give in. I like the way you present the last line, it stands out and it seems as if the spacing between the letters explain the writers defeat, hmm, because the word is not complete?
best wishes, Hope {Grant}
I found your picture today I swear I'll change my ways I just called to say I want you to come back home I just called to say, I love you come back home (Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock)
Stella Splendens December 22, 1985 - March 27, 2003 RIP
Posts: 1774 | Location: Devon, England | Registered: 02-04-02
Grant, yes - not my typical somewhat organised writing. There was just no way I could rhyme this. This happens to me daily, and so I just started writing and the above came out. Thanks for the suggestions, they made the poem flow better. Thank you for replying!
hakespeare - your replies are like poetry in themselves! Many thanks for reading, and if you don't mind I really don't care to expound on exactly what I meant by this piece. I am not prepared to tell yet. Thank you for your vote of confidence and especially the "we are prepared to listen part". Encouraging more than you know. Thank you.
"Not in vain" may be the pride of those who survived and the epitaph of those who fell. Winston Churchill, September 28, 1944 You cannot run away from a weakness. You must sometimes fight it out or perish; and if that be so, why not now, and where you stand? Robert Louis Stevenson Belesprit's Blog.
Posts: 1337 | Location: far away | Registered: 06-21-02
And just where have I been, that I didn't see this?
Bele, this poem describes a typical day between me and my mom back when I was about your age. Looking back now, I see she was pretty much always right, but not in my mind then.
I always wanted her to let me be myself, and she wanted me to be more like her.....and as hard as I tried, to this day I AM MY MOTHER ...and there's no one else I'd rather be more like.
Is it time for that latte yet? Oh and I made your recipe....mmmmmmmmmmm yummy good and sassafrassy too! Thank you kindly Bele! PJ
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing than to teach ten thousand stars how not to dance - e e cummings
Posts: 1976 | Location: On a tree branch.....way up high. | Registered: 11-12-02
Wow Bele, Must say that I really enjoyed this peice. It seems perfect to me just the way it is. I can't believe I hadn't read this yet, I will definatly be looking forward to reading more from you.
Jodi "It's not Halloween, so I know who you must be"
I remember reading this so very long ago. I loved it then and I still do now. You captured the inner turmoil perfectly and your last four lines are the cherry on top of this wonder.
I do not know if you ever stop back by, but bravo on this one, and know you are missed .
...and there's no one else I'd rather be more like.
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing than to teach ten thousand stars how not to dance - e e cummings
.