Way to express growing up. Never could do it myself. Speaking from a males point of view, I really can't indentify with this. But I sure know someone who could. Anyway, the ryhmes were good. However, I fail to see the point in isolating the last word in every sentence. I think it really interferred with the flow. However, the developement was excellent, and progressed along a story perfectly. This could almost be a ballad. Very good. Hope to see more.
Such is life: hopes and fears, dreams and tears.
J. Radigan
Posts: 44 | Location: Sioux Falls, SD | Registered: 03-31-03
A good piece, nice rhyme and flow. A few spelling/ grammar points: This woman now puts, men in their Place and She's never gave praise to the one Above Fate brought to hearts together at Last She has never given... or She never gave... perhaps? Fate brought two hearts....
I am divided about the way you have structured the piece. It makes it more difficult to read and interrupts the flow but on the other hand it makes it interesting to read and maybe you wanted it to flow in this way? Maybe it could start this way - lines split up - and finish with the lines together and more flowing to reflect the theme and the way "her life is Right" at the end. Only a suggestion I sound like I am critiscising a lot but I do really like this piece - it is very well written and has a positive finish which is always nice for a change Keep writing Kale na kale
