All that which breathed life into her
Now riddles her broken heart with pain
As everything and nothing changed
As her dreams died in tears.

Oh that this life
This once mellifluous life filled with promise
Would drift into an eternal remorseful rhapsody
Ever playing the swan song of her tragedy.

The song silencing her cries in shameful solitude.
"where do dreams go when they're deferred,"
Do they cease to exist or reside in faded memories?
Shining stars splendid in jazzy skies.

The archaic sounds of popular happiness fade into the cavity of depression.
Sadness lies behind those dramatic eyes of violent lashing blackness.
Starlets and harlots share her grief of lost time.
Ophelia in likeness, poor Ophelia's twin.

Sweet melody farewell
Play on to the talented few
Who will understand your favored fickle tune.

~life's a banquet hall and most poor sons of b*&$%@# are starving to death!~

[This message was edited on 03-30-03 at 03:43 PM.]

[This message was edited on 03-30-03 at 07:17 PM.]

[This message was edited on 03-30-03 at 07:26 PM.]

[This message was edited on 03-30-03 at 07:27 PM.]

Beautifully written. Thanks for sharing.

~Always~
Leslie

"A persons' spirit can endure sickness, but who can endure a broken spirit?"
- Proverbs 18:14

this one made me think, but I really enjoyed it.
your rhapsody was very good
I especially like the first few lines

"In the begining the Universe was created... this made a lot of people angry, and was widely regarded as a bad move." -Douglas Adams

Thanks you guys, i'm not very good at writing but it helps get emotions sorted out. Good luck in your writings. Did ya'll know you had the same icon, pretty cool. Thanks again. love holly

~life's a banquet hall and most poor sons of b*&$%@# are starving to death!~

I found this very lovely, though a sad poem. The language was beautiful..these were two of my favorite stanzas:

All that which breathed life into her
Now riddles her broken heart with pain
As everything and nothing changed
As her dreams died in tears.

Oh that this life
This once mellifluous life filled with promise
Would drift into an eternal remorseful rhapsody
Ever playing the swan song of her tragedy.

Beautifully done! Please keep writing...I'd like to read more.

PS maybe eliminate one "as" from the first stanza:

Everything and nothing changed
As her dreams died in tears

"The space between what's wrong and right is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you" Dave Matthews

In many ways, very well written. I'm sad that I've not read any of your work before.

Your use of structural nuance - internal rhyme and astronomical amounts of aptly applied alliteration - serves to enhance the piece and maintain the reader's interest without ever becoming a distraction.

The way in which you paint the portrait of a life denied its past happiness immediately engages the reader, beginning with the first stanza:

All that which breathed life into her
Now riddles her broken heart with pain
As everything and nothing changed
As her dreams died in tears.

Then, you proceed to decry the lack of drama in life, that one's tragedies are not even heralded by word or song, but rather that we sink into our own depression, unnoticed and unmissed. And then the last stanza:

Sweet melody farewell
Play on to the talented few
Who will understand your favored fickle tune.

You leave the reader in doubt whether the subject has herself said "farewell" to the sweet melody that is life or if it is you, the author, who are turning your back on an existence that would permit such unjust tragedy. Either way, the reader is caught in the mournful notes that the Great Floutist plays for us all, and must pause and listen as the poem fades out of earshot.

Now, believe it or not, I have a critique, and one that I myself have before received - this poem, at times, runs the risk of being too wordy. I had to chew through your words as I proceeded, having to pause periodically to pry syllables from between my teeth. (I know that made no sense, but I like the analogy). Anyway, the point's the same - perhaps you sprinkle in a few monosyllabic words in place of your many three and four syllable words. This, I think, would help even out your flow and cause it to read more easily. Take a look, and see if you can do this without compromising the meaning of the poem, which is excellently portrayed.

Well done, over all.

Very well written, I loved the use of mellifluous and the reference to Ophelia =) Way to use words we've learned together haha

jp