This is my first posting, the first time I've really let others read my stuff, except for Teachers and friends. Please go easy on me, but I am looking for some criticism also.

The Road of Life

Is long for some
And short for others

There are many ways to get
From Birth to Death
Some are winding
While others are straight

Most have hills to get up and over
Which feel so
high-- impossible to get over.

During your trip,
If you make sure to take time
to look at the scenery
And not just the road
you will not miss out
On the wonderful sights around you.

Even on those hard stretches where you feel the
Uphill battle is too hard and you will not make it
Check out the scenery it will help make it easier.
You can’t just focus on the road ahead of you,
You will lose sight of where you are going.

Also, don’t forget to glance in the rearview mirror,
But only glance a few seconds
or you may
Lose sight of where you are going
to focus on
Where you’ve been.
And if you do that
you will surely miss out
On the scenery around you
Which make your trip so great.
And what is what makes life worth living.

Thanks for reading and replying!

You have the start of something - but most of your lines are not very original. If you want to write about life, why don't you look for a metaphor other than a road.

You have a way with words (see, that's the gentle part) and if you put a little more effort into it, you could probably write something very good. I would just stay away from platitudes - even rewritten ones. ("take time to look at the scenery" is a minor modification of "take time to stop and smell the roses")

-----
What's done can not be undone.
Lady MacB

rhon831~ Thanks for the suggestion I will think about it a little more and rewrite or come up with a new one. Thanks for the criticism and gentleness

This poem brought back a specific memory for me...

To give you the short version... In the mid-90's I went through this sort of break down of my soul. Sort of the climax of the battle between the tragic adolescent identity, versus the Adult identity which was ripping through like a baby's tooth into my life.

And I, having read far to much Jack Kerouac, hit the road... To ride on until I found myself somewhere out there between sea and shining sea.

Reading this poem reminded me of this time in November 1995 when I was driving from Central Minnesota to L.A. I was stressed to all heck, hadn't reall slept in two days. I'm driving through the rockies of southern Utah, and this slick rain starts pelting the road.

I'm surrounded by a mess of meandering cars trying to climb up and down switch backs... But everytime I looked in the rearview mirror it was nothing but calm blackness behind me, as I was at the back of the pack.

Eventually I flipped out about a hundred miles out of Green River Utah, pulled the car to the side of the road, and smoked a cigaretted amongst a bunch of rainy wet scrub brush.

I'm not quite sure what exactly it was... But your poem took me to that moment... Thanks.

Rhon makes a point though...

While I'm in love with "The Road" motif, myself... It is a motif that has been over used.

And while someone once said "Everything that can be written has been written." I personally feel it is the quest of the budding writer to prove that wrong. And I know for me... And perhaps for you... That the best way to do that... Is to metaphorically bleed the words, like a Jonny Cash song.

If you're in love with this piece... If it's calling out to you while you toss and turn at night... Crying like a hungry and wet baby to be attended to... Yet you can't seem to find the right formula to feed it... I would reccomend listening to some Jonny Cash... Or reading the book I feel was the birth of the whole "Road Motif"... On the Road, by Jack Kerouac.

Either way... Thanks again for stirring up that memory for me.

Nainoa

Tribulation is the weight we lift, to build the muscles of the soul.

Thanks for reading and replying. I am glad it brought back a good memory for you. I was driving home from visiting my best friend when the idea for this came to me. I've been having some problems in life, hurdles to get over and on my drive home I was thinking, if I look at the big picture more, then my life and my problems are not that bad. So this poem was my therapy for some of the depressing thoughts I've had lately. Glad it touch someone else

Thanks again.

Willow,

I'm glad I could contribute to it. If you take a look at my most recent thread, I think you'll see I can empathize with your desire to use writing as therapy.

In fact through the course of my life I can think of no better medicine that I've ever found for any sickness of the soul.

I can only encourage you to write... Write anything... Sometimes I just babble a pile of words from where-ever they come from in my soul... And before I know it I've created something, and gotten something out that needed to be said.

Sometimes I don't even know why.

And while I recognize that everyone is different... I think this is a truthful prinicple that does indeed making writing... Of almost any kind... A form of art.

So I guess I'm saying... "Keep scratchin' away with that pen." I sense potential there.

Hope I've helped.
Nainoa

Tribulation is the weight we lift, to build the muscles of the soul.

Willow,

I love the road metaphor. Rhon and Nainoa make good points, however. I esp. concur with Rhon with regards to avoiding platitudes. Takes practice. Reading the better writers on this forum (and Rhon & Nainoa are good examples) will provide you an education in how to write about a tried and true subject (love, loss, fear, etc.) in crisp, fresh language.

So, continue to practice and with your teachable spirit, your writing will improve.

Airedale

"And in the end, after the pruning, both the fruit of the vine and 'fruits' of the heart become fine wine." \Doug/

Will you please contact MSN,your nickname has been put on my profile two days ago,I cannot get rid of it and its confusing members in my groups.

Willow3039.
Contact MSN,your name has been added on my profile and my nickname has gone,this happened two days ago,its confusing all my group members in postings by showing your nickname.