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Does anyone have any funny/stupid humor quotes?? any would be great, thanks
 
Posts: 77 | Registered: 06-02-01Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Originally posted by Imthemary:
Does anyone have any funny/stupid humor quotes?? any would be great, thanks



Here we go: Mmmm lets see how does it go? Oh I got it.

"If your aunt had balls, she would be your uncle"??? Author unknown--Just some Oklahoma Humor

Gerry
 
Posts: 107 | Location: Tulsa, Oklahoma--USA | Registered: 05-19-02Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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eek

Well I am not sure if this is the kind of quotes you are looking for, but hopefully they are good for a laugh!!

"Out of my mind, back in five minutes"

"I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing"

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"

"The meek shall inherit the earth, after we are through with it"

Rehab is for quitters!!

Finally 21, and Legally Able to Everything I have been doing since 15.

All men are idiots and I married the King!!

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless still dead!!

"Times fun when you're having flies"
Kermit the Frog

Thas all I could find...hope they help!!
 
Posts: 16 | Location: CANADA | Registered: 04-04-02Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Hope these bring a smile to everyones faces! Smiles are beautiful!

"I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others?"

"Before you can find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss alot of frogs!"

"What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over."

"Yeah, eagles fly, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!"

"Just when someone invents a foolproof thing, someone else invents a better fool!"

"Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?"

"Why do people say it's always in the last place you look? OF course it is! After you find it, why would you continue looking??"

"Don't pi** me off, I'm running out of places to hide the body."

"I love being married. It's great to find the one special pereson you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

"Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once."

"If you think that something small cannot make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room."

"If you think dogs cannot count try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and giving him only two."

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow."

"A heart is not a play thing, a heart is not a toy, but if you want it broken, just give it to a boy!"

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

"We've been through a lot together - and most of it was your fault."

"Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?"

"You're a good example of why some animals eat their young."

"It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble and automobile - and one nut to scatter it all over the road."

"I've learned that you can't make someone love you - all you can do is stalk them and hope they give in."

"After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ~You know, I was a fool when I married you!~ The husband replied ~Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice!~"

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married - and then it was too late!"

"A man put an ad in the calssifieds: WIFE WANTED! Next day he recieved a hundred letters, They all said the same thing: You can have mine."

"When you play ---- you pay!"

"You can go far with a smile, but farther with a smile and a gun!"

"Mystify people with your intelligence, then confuse them with your b/s!"

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."

"Theres a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"Humor is a reminder that no matter how high the throne you sit one is, you still sit on your bottom!"

"Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure."

"When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football."

"The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power, you just take it."

"Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said."

"You have the right to remain silent, because whatever you say will probally be stupid."

"If you treat a girl like a dog she's going to pi** on you."

"I can sometimes resist temptation, but never mischief."

"A wedding invitation is a beautiful and formal notification of the desire to share a solemn and joyous occasion, sent by people who have been saying "Do we have to ask them?" to people whose first response is, "How much to you think we have to spend on them?" "

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."

"At all the weddings, my aunts would come up and poke me in the ribs, cackling 'You're next'! They stopped after I started doing the same thing at funerals."

"Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, thats all!"

"They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless its good. He's dead. Good!"

"A oman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad." --Christopher Case

"Tis far better to be pi**ed off than pi**ed on."

"If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?"

"Chickens, the only animal you eat before they are born, and after they are dead."

"It's always fun, until someone gets hurt - and then it's just hilarious."

"Do burn victims get a discount at the crematorium?"

"My mother never saw the irony of calling me a son of a bi***."

"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!"

"The main reason Sant is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"

"Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?"

"One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people."

"To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"Women like silent men, they think they're listening."

Women are from Earth, Men are from Earth. Deal with it."

"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."
 
Posts: 170 | Registered: 05-06-02Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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I have way too many…
"Any President who lies to the American people should resign." -Arkansas Gov. Bill Clinton (1974 Political Debate)

"Its not that Im afraid to die, I just dont want to be there when it happens."

"Who was the first guy that looked at a cow and said, 'I think Ill drink whatever comes out of those things when i squeeze them.'"

"A good way to get your name in the newspaper is to cross the street reading one."

"The Smurfs are little blue people who live in magical mushrooms. Think about it."

"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When i go out I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking locks they are always locking three."

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If theyre ok then its you!"

"Having a smoking section in a restarunt is like haviung a peeing section in a pool."

"I dont swim in your toilet so dont pee in my pool."

"I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous sounding words."

"Insanity is just anger-put to good use."

"I told my dad i stopped raising hell and he called me a quitter."

"Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that mother@#?!&! upside the head."

"You know barnies Evil. You know why hes SATAN! Here let me show you CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR convert letters into the Latin alphabet
CVTEPVRPLEDINOSAVR now leave only the letters that are also roman numerals you get:
C V V L D I V now convert those numbers into the arabic numerals you get:100, 5, 5, 50, 500, 1, 5 ADD them together and............................ 100+5+5+50+500+1=666 o0o0o0o0o now THAT is solid PROOF Barney the oh so well known purple Dinosaur is SATAN!!! ahahaha I have cracked the CODE!"

"I have a bloody nose right now because i got in a fight with my goldfish then the refridgerater jumped in."

"A day without sunshine is like... night."

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"

"When people say 'Expect the unexpected,' doesnt that mean the unexpected is expected?"

"Theres a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line"

"Id call you a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse."

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience."

"Im not paraniod... but I know that you think I am."

"A piece of antimatter can be bought for four oranges, an apple, a lamb, and a lambchop; a chicken can be bought for pizza, maccaroni and cheese, and an omelet; a piece of yarn can be bought for several cents; a leftover piece of oatmeal cookie without any moldy crumbs . . . priceless."

"Hi, me and tyler are busy right now, doing something we both enjoy. I like it up and down, tyler likes it side to side. We like to do it over and over again. It only takes about two minutes, so we have plenty of time to do it alot. So we'll get back to you as soon as we're done brushing our teeth!"

"Ahhh! Green monkeys and purple people eaters are chasing me around my house! Help!!"

" The gnomes are trying to take over the world... they are in league with Ronald McDonald and I must put an end to their tyranny."

"A B C D E F G Gummie bears are chaseing me, one is red and one is blue, a yellow one stole my shoe!"

"What if the hokey pokey really IS what it's all about!? Will we all have to turn ourselves around?"

"Has your mind ever just gone blank? Well sometimes that happens to me and...WHAT? What was I talking about? My mind just went blank."


"Did you ever stop to think about the fact that Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers? I mean, how often does one come across a plant that, although still growing, has been placed in pickling juices for an extended period of time? Does anyone else find this at all disconcerting?"

"I didnt know running into the wall would hurt as much as it did. But here I am, laying in a pile of my own blood in a coma, hoping that my faithful penguin sends for help. Last time this happened the penguin just called me a pussy, took my shoes, and went to see "The Mask." To this day I still dont know if he liked it, and whenever I ask he just calls me a slut and throws ice cubes at me."

"Don't spend $2 to dry clean a shirt. Instead, donate it to the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. The next morning buy it back forseventy- five cents."

"My mother told me never talk to strangers. That's why i never talk to myself anymore."

" Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? 'Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!'"

"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."

"Have you ever noticed anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

"Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would
have people standing in the corners of our rooms."

"What do you get when you cross an insomniac with a dyslexic and an
agnostic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is really a dog!"

razz smile roll eyes cool
 
Posts: 3 | Location: USA | Registered: 06-12-02Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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*If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a water gun and shoot it in people's eyes*

*It's a mind over matter thing. I don't mind, you don't matter, see?*

*Boys who act like dicks are only making up for what they don't have.*

~*~Noah's Perfect Prep Princess~*~
 
Posts: 6 | Location: Easley, SC, USA | Registered: 06-19-02Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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"Its not that Im stupid its just......well yeah actualy its that Im stupid" - Me

i have two ambitions:
1) Get out of therapy
2) Become a fire engine
 
Posts: 2 | Location: Folkestone, Kent, England | Registered: 06-19-02Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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"Your village called, they need their idiot back"

"It's ok to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilige"
 
Posts: 8 | Registered: 08-30-02Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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"Legislators are so stupid that they couldnt pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel"

"Booze is the answer..I dont remember the question."
 
Posts: 11 | Location: Bradford,PA US | Registered: 09-01-02Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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