I have way too many…
"Any President who lies to the American people should resign." -Arkansas Gov. Bill Clinton (1974 Political Debate)
"Its not that Im afraid to die, I just dont want to be there when it happens."
"Who was the first guy that looked at a cow and said, 'I think Ill drink whatever comes out of those things when i squeeze them.'"
"A good way to get your name in the newspaper is to cross the street reading one."
"The Smurfs are little blue people who live in magical mushrooms. Think about it."
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When i go out I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking locks they are always locking three."
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If theyre ok then its you!"
"Having a smoking section in a restarunt is like haviung a peeing section in a pool."
"I dont swim in your toilet so dont pee in my pool."
"I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous sounding words."
"Insanity is just anger-put to good use."
"I told my dad i stopped raising hell and he called me a quitter."
"Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that mother@#?!&! upside the head."
"You know barnies Evil. You know why hes SATAN! Here let me show you CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR convert letters into the Latin alphabet
CVTEPVRPLEDINOSAVR now leave only the letters that are also roman numerals you get:
C V V L D I V now convert those numbers into the arabic numerals you get:100, 5, 5, 50, 500, 1, 5 ADD them together and............................ 100+5+5+50+500+1=666 o0o0o0o0o now THAT is solid PROOF Barney the oh so well known purple Dinosaur is SATAN!!! ahahaha I have cracked the CODE!"
"I have a bloody nose right now because i got in a fight with my goldfish then the refridgerater jumped in."
"A day without sunshine is like... night."
"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"
"When people say 'Expect the unexpected,' doesnt that mean the unexpected is expected?"
"Theres a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line"
"Id call you a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse."
"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience."
"Im not paraniod... but I know that you think I am."
"A piece of antimatter can be bought for four oranges, an apple, a lamb, and a lambchop; a chicken can be bought for pizza, maccaroni and cheese, and an omelet; a piece of yarn can be bought for several cents; a leftover piece of oatmeal cookie without any moldy crumbs . . . priceless."
"Hi, me and tyler are busy right now, doing something we both enjoy. I like it up and down, tyler likes it side to side. We like to do it over and over again. It only takes about two minutes, so we have plenty of time to do it alot. So we'll get back to you as soon as we're done brushing our teeth!"
"Ahhh! Green monkeys and purple people eaters are chasing me around my house! Help!!"
" The gnomes are trying to take over the world... they are in league with Ronald McDonald and I must put an end to their tyranny."
"A B C D E F G Gummie bears are chaseing me, one is red and one is blue, a yellow one stole my shoe!"
"What if the hokey pokey really IS what it's all about!? Will we all have to turn ourselves around?"
"Has your mind ever just gone blank? Well sometimes that happens to me and...WHAT? What was I talking about? My mind just went blank."
"Did you ever stop to think about the fact that Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers? I mean, how often does one come across a plant that, although still growing, has been placed in pickling juices for an extended period of time? Does anyone else find this at all disconcerting?"
"I didnt know running into the wall would hurt as much as it did. But here I am, laying in a pile of my own blood in a coma, hoping that my faithful penguin sends for help. Last time this happened the penguin just called me a pussy, took my shoes, and went to see "The Mask." To this day I still dont know if he liked it, and whenever I ask he just calls me a slut and throws ice cubes at me."
"Don't spend $2 to dry clean a shirt. Instead, donate it to the Salvation Army. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. The next morning buy it back forseventy- five cents."
"My mother told me never talk to strangers. That's why i never talk to myself anymore."
" Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? 'Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!'"
"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."
"Have you ever noticed anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
"Television is more interesting than people. If it were not, we would
have people standing in the corners of our rooms."
"What do you get when you cross an insomniac with a dyslexic and an
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is really a dog!"