Alright, one post per day so here's my second attempt at a poem for the coffee house open mic night. Again criticism is highly appreciated.

What are we getting ourselves into?
Going into this blind
because we don't know what else to do.
We'll be young and romantic and
believe that love is all we need.
I sure hope we're right
because I'm running with closed eyes,
running into this blind.
This is all I ever wanted
but who knew it'd come wrapped like this.
We can make it.
Hopefully not at the expense of what's most important.
I don't want to be like everyone else.
Numb, when it comes to love.
I never want to forget.
Whole-hearted and unselfish.
I'll give up everything if you ask,
but hopefully I wont have to.
Love. Fear. Uncertainty.

D'oh. Silly computer.

-Harv
Stella Splendens
December 22, 1985-March 27, 2003

[This message was edited by Harv on 10-11-06 at 01:36 PM.]

What
am i
getting myself into?

*reserved for when I have more time, might be next tuesday as i'm out of time*
*back in town*

It seems like you skip between the personal, I, and the 'blame-someone-else' of us or we or you. The first thing I would do is rewrite it either in all I's (which might make it easier) or all you's. Also play with the wording and the structure, try putting the last line first, or the middle line first. It seems like you have a fairly interesting and good poem lurking in there, you just need to let it out.


-Harv
Stella Splendens
December 22, 1985-March 27, 2003