I originally posted this in the Poetry Forum, but feel that it might need a little more work. Ideas?

thanks all!



If I Lose My Friend


No light to rise, no wings to soar
Darkness will cover me, if gone astray.
The lack of knowledge, the absence of truth
Something tells me, all will be wrong
If I lose my friend.

I sit here and wait, wondering why
Where is my comfort, to stifle my fears?
Lost in the thick, buried in grief
My heart will shatter and depart this life
If I am losing my friend.

Where is he now, silent and still?
Wondering I wait, all doubt sets in.
I miss that life, I once thought to be true
My wings are spent, all light obscure
If I lost my friend.

Silver,

I highly doubt I am remotely qualified to be more than a third-rate critic, but here goes:

i) Punctuation - While formal rules can safely be thrown to the four winds when it comes to poetry, it can be well used to pace the work.

For example:

quote:

---

Wondering I wait, all doubt sets in.
I miss that life, I once thought to be true
My wings are spent, all light obscure
If I lost my friend.

---

could be

Wondering, I wait. All doubt sets in.
I miss that life I, once, thought to be true.
My wings are spent! All light obscure
If I lost my friend.



ii) Structure - When not confined to rhyme schemes or fixed syllables, one may use structure to also emphasize pacing.

For example:

quote:

---

Wondering I wait, all doubt sets in.
I miss that life, I once thought to be true
My wings are spent, all light obscure
If I lost my friend.

---

could be


Wondering,
I wait.
All doubt sets in.
I miss that life I,
once,
thought to be true.
My wings are spent!
All light obscure
If I lost my friend.


iii) Word Choice - Sometimes, less is more. Get rid of unnecessary articles and other dispensable parts. Othertimes, more is best. Feel free to add redundancy to create emphasis.

For example:

quote:

---

Wondering I wait, all doubt sets in.
I miss that life, I once thought to be true
My wings are spent, all light obscure
If I lost my friend.

---

could be


Wondering,
I wait.
All doubts set in.
I miss that life I,
once,
thought true.
My wings spent!
All light obscure
- if -
if I lost my friend.



At the end of the day, the only tip I have full confidence in is that half of poetry is style. It matters little what style you use, but you will always attract more attention, I find, when a definitive style is present.


Looking forward to more,

Jeremiah