Atlantis in the Air


O! Master builder with thy mortal hands,
Raise forth a mighty structure in these lands;
Pantheon, that would make envious the sky,
A celestial edict man dared defy.
O! Master Builder, build it in thy name,
And all who the impossible proclaim,
With the spirit of heroic romance;
Make it an act of supreme brilliance.
O! Master Builder and men of all time,
Pile up and like titans, these mountains climb.
Each step forged by thine own creative mind,
Here, amidst the stars, only yours to find.

Go Master Builder, and ever after,
Make the clouds peal with the song of laughter.

Stella Splendens
December 22, 1985 - March 27, 2003
RIP
...Always.

O! Master Builder-first line
every other time you capitlize the b.

"I'm telling you. People come and go in this Forest, and they say, 'It's only Eeyore, so it doesn't count.' They walk to and fro saying, 'Ha ha!' But do they know anything about A? They don't. It's just three sticks to them. But to the Educated - mark this, little Piglet- to the Educated, not meaning Poohs and Piglets, it's a great and glorious A." --Eeyore, The House at Pooh Corner

{} = add
[] = delete

O! Master builder with thy mortal hands,
Raise forth a mighty structure in these lands;
{a} Pantheon, that would make envious the sky,

Puts me in mind of the biblical account in Genesis 11, where post-diluvian earth-dwellers attempted to build a ziggurat probably devoted to astrology (and its pantheon of demigods) that would unify and glorify man, not his Creator. Ironically the Tower of Babel, translated from Hebrew, means "tower of confusion".

A celestial edict man dared defy.

God's "celestial" directive to Flood survivors: "... fill the earth." (Gen. 9:1, NIV)

Defiant mankind dared: "The whole world had one language and a common speech.... Then they said, Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves and not be scattered over the face of the whole earth." (11:1,4)

O! Master Builder, build it in thy name,

"... that we may make a name for ourselves..." (11:4)

And all who the impossible proclaim,
With the spirit of heroic romance;
Make it an act of supreme brilliance.

Ahhh, any line with "heroic romance" has my attention; I love heroic romance.

O! Master Builder and men of all time,
++Pile up [and] like titans, these mountains climb.
Each step forged by thine own creative mind,
Here, amidst the stars, only yours to find.

++ "Pile up" sounds awkward and I rather stumble here (picturing a mound of tossed stones, not a carefully detailed architecturally sound building). Alternative suggestion (use or throw out):

Pile brick upon brick for your ziggurat-climb.

You lose "titan" (nice word picture there) but you gain the sense of a "master building".

Go{,} Master Builder, and ever after,
Make the clouds peal with the song of laughter.

Fine closing couplet to your sonnet, ~hope~. The metrical lines are rather uneven, sometimes beginning iambically and sometimes not. Didn't know if you did that deliberately?

Definitely a thought-provoking read. Is this poem inspired by Ayn Rand? Just curious.

~Hope~ I was able to help.

------------------------------
The opposite of joy is not sorrow. It is unbelief. ~ Leslie Weatherhead

gorgia ref hey, its so cunfusing
but my mom
liked it she said
it was deep soooo
wieard

Eeyorelynn,

Thanks for those sharp eyes.

Airedale,

Ah, you're just great. I'm still thinking over some of the changes you've suggested and I really enjoyed your analysis. I didn't intend such a strong overt religious tone, but I wanted to compliment the impossible with the possible and equate the power of man, with the power of God(s).

I had quite forgotten about the mythical Tower of Babel and I love the quotation you have provided in the context of my piece, understanding at least some of my influences here.

My real dilemma with this piece is that when it comes to meter, I have a rather deaf ear, unless I can enunciate it properly. I've tried to keep ten syllables per line and I know that the iambic (I think) and anaphoric, "O! Master Builder" lends this piece great strength, but I'm not sure whether I can twist everything else. Could you possibly highlight where the rhythm deviates most sharply?

quote:

---

{a} Pantheon, that would make envious the sky,

---

See here, I already have 11 syllables, check:

pan.the.on that would make en.vi.ous the sky.

I could susbtitute the first word for 'temple' which I think would make it more iambic (yes?) but I don't want to step too far into Rand's 'The Fountainhead', otherwise it merely becomes an architectural piece. I'd like to downplay that if possible, to allow the construction of this 'atlantis in the air' to also symbolise self-aggrandisement and success in itself.

quote:

---

++Pile up [and] like titans, these mountains climb.

---

That, for the moment is my problem line, but I think it will be ok with some careful rearranging. I want to keep the idea of the Titans as together with, "thy mortal hands," it's suggestive of human achievement, with the allusion to the war against the Gods retold in Greek mythology reinforcing the idea that the builder isn't of a transcendental origin. This also links to the "celestial edict" and defying a) a supernatural being and b) what was/is thought impossible.

The values in the piece are obviously inspired by Ayn Rand, but the title and the final line as well as 'The Master Builder' character were inspired by a play, by the same name, written by Henrik Ibsen. Some may also draw reference to William Blake's The Tiger from the line, "each step forged by thine own creative mind."

Thanks again Aire.

savannahx26,

I hope some of the things I've written above have helped to explain the piece and I'm glad your mum thought it was deep.


Atlantis in the Air

O! Master Builder with thy mortal hands,
Raise forth a mighty structure in these lands;
Pantheon, that would make envious the sky,
A celestial edict man dared defy.
O! Master Builder, build it in thy name,
And all who the impossible proclaim,
With the spirit of heroic romance;
Make it an act of supreme brilliance.
O! Master Builder and men of all time,
Pile up and like titans, these mountains climb.
Each step forged by thine own creative mind,
Here, amidst the stars, only yours to find.

Go, Master Builder, and ever after,
Make the clouds peal with the song of laughter.

Grant.

Stella Splendens
December 22, 1985 - March 27, 2003
RIP
...Always.