Quoteland Fanatic
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Hello LS,
You have a decent basis. I feel a few changes could make it stronger.
Love is a clock
tracking what’s not there.
(I don't particularly think the second line fits very well. It says what you want it to say but does so awkwardly. If Love, as a clock, is tracking what is not there, then it is simply tracking nothing. I suggest something like):
Love is a clock
that loses track of time to emotion. (Don't really like this one)
Love is a clock
that makes little room for time.
Love is a clock
tracking passion by the moment. (Or "in" the moment, etc)
(I like these last two the best, perhaps the last slightly more)
Prior to schooling
I learned of both
the very real intangibles
that would rule my life.
(Your use of both in the second line is awkward. When the reader reads further into the poem they understand that you were talking about both time and love, but this is unclear and confusing at this point. I suggest simply dropping it)
Prior to schooling
I learned of
the very real intangibles
that would rule my life.
These unseen forces -- love and time,
creations of the human mind,
guide me through the motions
of day to day
(Suggestions are below for this stanza):
These unseen forces,
creations of the human mind,
guide me through the motions
as the clock advances on.
(After considertion, I can't say that this line particularly pleases me. I think you should think about and and post your poem back with any changes you make (whether that includes accepting mine or thinking of your own) and I will come back and reply once you do so)
Love is a clock
reminding me to treasure
mortal bounds.
(The last stanza is great, I would leave it as it is; it summed up your poem very well.)
HAVE A NICE DAY!
~Aeras
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