He comes this way; unburdened, but for a thousand desires upon his mind, paving his solitude in footprints. They come to him; swans to spring, with a wild kind of nervous excitement, in inquiring, admiring eyes.
Tell us a story, stranger; the wonders you have beheld, of the memories everlasting.
He laughs; rich with enrapture, fearfully exuberant; it echoes in the air like the names of forgotten heroes. They take flight into windy firmament, with a yearning for blue sky-ignorance. The day calls insistently; he walks away.
Grant.
Stella Splendens December 22, 1985 - March 27, 2003 RIP ...Always.
[This message was edited on 01-30-04 at 05:15 PM.]
Posts: 1773 | Location: Devon, England | Registered: 02-04-02
A nice touching piece Grant - I enjoyed it. As always, I'm not very good at offering pieces of advice for your poems, but I'll take a crack:
Semi-colon galore! I see you've used them nicely in some places, but on other parts I question their use.
He comes this way; unburdened
Maybe a dash would be better suited here.
He laughs; rich with enrapture
The two parts here flow on from eachother, since the second part is describing what is stated in the first part. How about a comma instead?
the wonders you have beheld, of the memories everlasting.
I read this in one go, and I thought some enjambment might works better.
The day calls insistently; he walks away.
On this line, I entertained the thought of a period instead of a semi-colon. I thought it would provide a powerful ending.
That's pretty much it. The language is excellent and the tone is just right. Thanks for sharing.
Have patience awhile; slanders are not long-lived. Truth is the child of time; erelong she shall appear to vindicate thee.~ Immanuel Kant Dos moi pou sto kai kino taen gaen. ~Archimedes
Posts: 3320 | Location: London | Registered: 02-20-03
And forever I will wonder how you instill such beauty into your words...
~Forever Fuzziesareourfriends~ http://www.freewebs.com/fuzziesareourfriends/index.htm JOIN THE PACT: If you break grammar rules then explain what you've done and why, or be prepared to answer those questions. If you cannot do these, then do not post your writing.
Posts: 5633 | Location: Aotearoa (New Zealand) | Registered: 09-22-02
The people arn't scared by the traveller's laughter in the traditional sense of fear, they are afraid of what they don't know, scared of this traveller who is the epitome of life and lives only for himself.
Dear Apokryphos,
I developed a passion for semi-colons somewhere in this and may have perhaps got a little carried away, but I should like to keep my first and last ones, as they mirror a beginning and end, in so much of it's form. Your other two suggestions are included in the revision below, thank you for looking this over, one day, I swear I'll pass unscathed. Did I mean that? no, your critiques direct my own learning.
Dear Fuzzies,
Well since you liked it so much and I've made some small adjustments, here it is again:
Traveller
He comes this way; unburdened, but for a thousand desires upon his mind, paving his solitude in footprints. They come to him; swans to spring, with a wild kind of nervous excitement, in inquiring, admiring eyes.
Tell us a story, stranger; the wonders you have beheld of the memories everlasting.
He laughs, rich with enrapture, fearfully exuberant; it echoes in the air like the names of forgotten heroes. They take flight into windy firmament, with a yearning for blue sky-ignorance. The day calls insistently; he walks away.
Grant.
Stella Splendens December 22, 1985 - March 27, 2003 RIP ...Always.
Posts: 1773 | Location: Devon, England | Registered: 02-04-02
I've developed a rule of thumb for my personal usage in poetry that I'd like to share with you.
Punctuation, in my writing, will from now on be used only when it serves a purpose.
Now, I might use it to any number of ends. Maybe I want the text to look 'normal,' in which case I'll use standard English punctuation. In cases such as some of yours in this piece where a number of different approaches might be correct, I'd advise you to employ your punctuation as a shepherd of rhythm and meaning. Use 'harder' punctuations (like semi-colons and periods) to tear a break in the rhythm of the piece; use 'softer' punctuations (such as commas and dashes) to more gently guide it along and clear up meaning.
Personally, I liked it with more of the original number of semi-colons, whether employed due to sober consideration or a passion for all things complicated. I thought the rhythm felt more appropriate. Your call, though.
Since that is the only semi-colon I changed. Apokryphos correctly argues that it should not be a semi-colon because both clauses describe the same action, however upon careful consideration I will add the semi-colon again, because as Grinchman suggested the rhythm is smoother.
Apart from that, is there anything else before I asked for this to be locked tomorrow or Saturday?
Grant.
Stella Splendens December 22, 1985 - March 27, 2003 RIP ...Always.
Posts: 1773 | Location: Devon, England | Registered: 02-04-02
