GOD DID NOT CREATE MAN FIRST AS,MOST BELIEVE: HE CREATED WOMAN; AND FROM HER SMILE WHICH , BURNED BRIGHTER IN HIS HEART THAN A THOUSAND SUNS , FORMED THE HEAVENS AND EARTH; - IN HER HONOR. AND THEN ,FOR EVERY ONE OF THESE GLORIOUS CREATURES, HE CREATED A STAR- AS INDIVIDUAL AND MAGNIFICENT AS THEIR NAMESAKE; SO THAT MAN HE THEN CREATED,MIGHT GAZE UPON THEM IN AWE AND WONDER. ESPECIALLY THE ONE NAMED JODIE;YOU SHALL LIVE ON FOREVER. :
Hi. Welcome to Quoteland. I don't think your piece could be called innappropriate. It's heartfelt and simply beautiful. I especially like the line " ... her smile which, burned brighter in his heart than a thousand suns".
Some comments: Is there a reason for the capitals? I think that lower case would be easier to read, and better suited to the poem's quiet, contemplative nature. A couple of commas are in the wrong spot. In the fifth line, I think you probably don't need the semi-colon or the dash, and definately not both. In the eighth line you switched mid sentence from singular (He created A star) to plural (THEIR namesake). In the last line, I don't think the word "you" quite fits. As the poem as a whole seems to be adressed to the world in general rather than to Jodie, it could be better to say "she will live on forever".
Here's a slightly altered version. God did not create man first, as most believe: He created woman; and from her smile, Which burned brighter in His heart than a thousand suns, Formed the heavens and the earth in her honour.
And then, for every one of these glorious creatures, He created a star as individual and magnificent as it's namesake; So that the men He then created might gaze upon them in awe and wonder. Especially the one named Jodie – she shall live on forever.
You don't need to use any of these suggestions if they don't feel right. Once again, welcome. You'll like it here.
Posts: 250 | Location: Perth, Australia | Registered: 04-19-08
Rala;thank you for your critique;as for punctuation and such,i am obviously no literary scholor;i do however understand your corrections however,at this time i will let it stand on it's own merit:you see,never have i written such things in my life;i am very proud of this piece not just for myself but,for the one who drew these words from my heart who,never knew she had done so.thank youagain,Rala!