Well, I'm not entirely sure what to call this, not just a title but what it is. The story? I was looking over my journal and I came across this. I wrote it in a period of depression. So read on, if you chose. And please remember that it is VERY abstract. Also, I did not know where to post this (actually I cannot remember why I wanted to post this. perhaps I thought it a bit poetic and dramatic?) So if there is a better place for this to go, please let me know or something Time passes. Memories of lives I have lived flit in and out of sight as I struggle to remember how to breathe. Emotions of betrayal, persecution, anger, remorse and sorrow drown me before i can get back behind the wall i have built to hide from these things. my heart has hardened and soon I will forget entirely how to feel, how to love and hope and dream. The past is no longer relevant because it is today, the present, and i am incomplete. Broken. Ruined. Lost.
Peace, Love and Soul
[This message was edited on 02-06-04 at 07:07 PM.]
Other than a few letters needing to be capitalized, I just found one error.
quote:I will forget entirely how to feel, how to love and hope and dream.
not parallel. how to hope and how to dream. or if you don't want to say how to each time, how to feel, love, hope and dream. But I like it with the how to's, it's draws it out more, makes the reader focus more on the words..
______ "If the track is tough and the hill is rough, / THINKING you can just ain't enough!" Shel Silverstein, "The Little Blue Engine"
"There may be something in what you say, Rabbit," Eeyore said at last. "I have been neglecting you. I must move about more. I must come and go." "That's right, Eeyore. Drop in on any of us at anytime, when you feel like it." "Thank you Rabbit. And if anyone says in a loud voice "Bother, it's Eeyore" I can drop out again."
It's poetry! It's almost like what they call diary entries, but it's more coherent than most. I still don't know what happened in the poem, but I can guess, so that's ok.
Would be good to strengthen your meaning by fitting the lines into free verse. Spread out a sentence over several lines.. makes it easy to read as well.
The 'incomplete' could be capitalised to join 'Broken. Ruined. Lost.' EeyoreLynn's right about that line. You could also write 'I will forget entirely how to feel, how to love, hope and dream.
I've edited your revision to the original post so members can follow its progress. -SB
crazybeautiful
Member posted 02-02-04 05:33 PM Merci, merci, merci for your suggestions! To me it almost seemed a little poetic, but I need someone to confirm it. If there are any more suggestions for my poem, please let me know. Also, I'm looking for a title. For some background information, it was written when I was depressed. In one month, my parents divorced, my grandfather was diagnosed with leukemia and my best friend and I ended a 12 year friendship. Maybe that will help. Thank you for your support. Time passes slowly. Memories of lives I have lived flit in and out of sight as I struggle to remember how to breathe.
Emotions of betrayal, persecution, anger, remorse and sorrow drown me before i can get back, back behind the wall i have built to hide from these things.
My heart has hardened and soon I will forget entirely how to feel, how to love, how to hope and how to dream.
The past is no longer relevant because it is today, the present, and I am Incomplete. Broken. Ruined. Lost.
Peace, Love and Soul
~I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.~ I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing than to teach ten thousand stars how not to dance - e e cummings
Posts: 1953 | Location: On a tree branch.....way up high. | Registered: 11-12-02
Aloha. Thanks so much for the help. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I'm looking for a title now, so does anyone have an idea? Thanks so much.
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing than to teach ten thousand stars how not to dance - e e cummings
