I just want to catch up to the life that I left behind What ever happened to the simplicity? cookies and nap time not bills and obligations, what I would'nt give to just stop and rewind
To go back to a childs life, carefree and simple bittersweet are the days that have gone memories, lessons. and battle scars... thats life, so buck up and keep pushing on.
Welcome Dizzy (I say welcome because this is the first time I've seen your works or posts on the site).
Any suggestive changes I make will be bolded. If you like any of them, feel free to keep them, or if you don't feel free to discard them.
What if you worked in the concept of the game of tag into the poem? Since you want to "catch" your old life it would further your intended meaning.
I wish that I was no longer it; I just want to catch up to the life that I left behind, To remove the spotlight off of me, What ever happened to the simplicity? Where cookies and naps had ruled my day No obligations, no worries, no bills to pay Oh what I would'nt give to just stop and rewind To before the time responsibility tagged me
To go back to a child's life, Carefree and simple; Where playgrounds ruled our attention And ring around the rosey and tag were our concerns; Bittersweet are the days that have gone. But they have left memories, lessons. And battle scars... Thats life; I knew that at some point I'd be tagged, I just never thought so early.So I'll buck up And keep pushing on.
Memories are really all we have, nice sentiments and never let them slip through your grasp. At 19 I already have many fond memories of years past.
I agree with the corrections, but I'm not sure about adding lines though, a word here and there, but five whole lines of someone else's work is too much in my opinon. However, if you use the lines Aeras wrote you should also give Aeras credit.
"I'm telling you. People come and go in this Forest, and they say, 'It's only Eeyore, so it doesn't count.' They walk to and fro saying, 'Ha ha!' But do they know anything about A? They don't. It's just three sticks to them. But to the Educated - mark this, little Piglet- to the Educated, not meaning Poohs and Piglets, it's a great and glorious A." --Eeyore, The House at Pooh Corner
Thanks for your suggestion Aeres, i liked some of them. I know that my grammer was'nt the best. I really like you'r suggestion "Where cookies and naps ruled my day No obligations, no worries, no bills to pay" that stuck a chord with me so thank you for the help!
Your welcome Dizzy. If you want to work with it any more, don't forget to repost it as a reply to this topic with the changes you have decided to make. If your finished with it, just go ahead and let Eeyorelynn know (since shes the mod for this forum) and post your poem in the poetry section (if you want to that is). That way she'll lock this topic and others will know you're happy with the poems turn out and no longer reply.
