i just barely wrote this off my head. it needs some major revamping, so anybody can go nuts with it if they have some time. thanks for the help, i'd really like to see how this one turns out.
Where is the music? Where is the dream? the passion, the surge; electricity Like there used to be.
Did I lose some vital organ That was keeping me alive? Or have I just gotten lazy, Stubborn, proud . . .
Where is the music? that was once in my head another world, another person, I’m a lifetime ahead Of fantasy, the menagerie of hope, anticipation.
My guitar strings are old and out of tune, My voice is strained, blocked, and dry.
**********
How does one defines himself? By a name? Family? Where he lives? What he does?
Hello Rayne. While I see you have at least 215 posts, I don't remember you as a member (though you apparently joined a few months after I did). In any case, my suggestions will be bolded.
Where is the music? Where is the dream- the passion, the surge, it's electricity? Like there used to be.
Did I lose some vital organ That was keeping me alive? Or been overrun by laziness, Stubborness, or pride . . .
Where is the music that once wasin my head? In another world, I'm another person, I’m a lifetime ahead Of fantasy. The menagerie of hope, of anticipation.
My guitar strings are old and out of tune, My voice is strained, blocked, and dry.
(I don't like the ending that much. I would much rather see something uplifting, describing your change of attitude to find the music again. To find your dreams. I will, however, wait to see what you come up with before suggesting anything I have thought of.)
I discovered that I had this poem a long time ago and abandoned it. Thank you so much for your suggestions Aeras, they were very helpful with thinking of the rhythm of the words. I also agreed with what you said and decided to continue the poem so that it would end with a positive note. feel free to tell me any ideas or any more changes that you would suggest; it's still a working progress.
Where is the music? Where is the dream- The passion, or surge Of electricity? Like there used to be.
Did I lose some vital organ That was keeping me alive? Or been overrun by laziness, Stubborness, and pride . . .
Where is the music That once was in my head? In another world and person- A mind that could be fed On fantasy. The menagerie of hope, anticipation.
My guitar is old and out of tune, My voice is strained and dry. When asked to sing the melody I tremble with the shy.
Where is the music The breath and life? We enter this together A new world, a new person . . . And I sing my lullaby
Where is the music? Where is the dream- The passion, or surge Of electricity? Like there used to be.
Did I lose some vital organ That was keeping me alive? Or been overrun by laziness, Stubborness, and pride . . .
Where is the music That once was in my head? In another world and person- A mind that could be fed On fantasy. The menagerie of hope, anticipation.
My guitar is old and out of tune, My voice is strained and dry. When asked to sing the melody I tremble with the shy.
Where is the music The breath and life?
. . .
We enter this together A new world, a new person . . . And I sing my lullaby
I just decided that there needed to be a pause of some sort there. It was too sudden the way it was before. are there any other suggestions for how to fix that?
I believe in God like I believe in the sun, not because I can see it, but because of it all things are seen. -C. S. Lewis
Rayne, it has been a while since I have checked this thread. I am glad you replied and here is my critique of your next form.
Where is the music? Where is the dream- The passion, or surge Of electricity? Like there used to be.
I think you have just about maxed the potential for the first stanza as far as the wording you wish to have. There is a still a beat off, but its not something that has to be messed with; good.
Did I lose some vital organ That was keeping me alive? Or been overrun by laziness, Stubborness, and pride . . .
These changes look familiar : ). Love the flow.
Where is the music That once was in my head? In another world and person- A mind that could be fed On fantasy. The menagerie of hope, anticipation.
You really pulled some of these tweaks out of nowhere and because you were willing to experiment, you found a stanza that is stronger that your original and my suggested changes. This one stood out for me. Still I have a few more tweaks to suggest:
Where is the music Once held within my head? A distant world and person- A mind that could be fed On fantasy. The menagerie of hope, anticipation.
I think this flows a bit better too.[/b]
My guitar is old and out of tune, My voice is strained and dry. When asked to sing the melody I tremble with the shy.
[i]The last line here troubles me. Its the use of the word shy; you are using it as a noun and it just won't work for you in this way. What about something like:
My guitar is old and out of tune, My voice is strained and dry. When asked to sing my melody I tremble and I cry.
Or something along these lines. I can suggest more options if you would like.
Where is the music The breath and the life?
We enter this together A new world, a new person . . . And I sing my lullaby
Firstly, I do like the positive twist you ended your poem with; secondly, I do have some suggestions and I think as far as the pause is concerned, the dotted line is simply too much. I think just with your normal space you will have enough of a pause (everyone will read things differently).
Can we enter this together, Renew my courage and my life, that I may finally sing my lullaby.
This end still feels like it needs work. I had a great revision, got distracted for a moment and lost it; let me know what you think and think of and we can go from there. Keep polishing, you're almost there : ).
Aeras, I'm glad I managed to save this thread and get this poem finished. Alright, let's see what I think about the suggestions:
Where is the music That once was in my head? In another world and person-
Where is the music Once held within my head? A distant world and person-
When said out loud the word "held" is the accent of the sentence and slowing. I think I might like the other version only because the word "once" is more accented when I say it and the fact that it used to be there is the important part. I like "distant", how your change here gives a subtlety to what it's saying.
I figured I could use "shy" kind of how people would say "tremble with the weak" or something along those lines. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what to change it to. The change in that second sentence is a little harsher than what I was thinking. I was going along the lines of being in a choir and they want me to sing the main part and I'm scared to because I don't think it'll sound good.
between the last two stanzas is a passing of time. I felt like it was gone. Then I got married and had a baby and those events made everything come to life again.
Do any of my explanations make sense? Any more ideas are welcome. If there are none then I think this one is nearly done.
music is the gift of god and,in our hearts it is surreal and fullfilling-i think this is a great work of the heart...i hope your heart has more musical notations to follow
