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Picture of Cosmicstar
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Posted
This is something I wrote a while back and I put it down out of frustration. I need some help trying to clean this up and fix it. If anyone has any ideas or suggestions please let me know.

Laying in bed,
staring at the ceiling.
My eyes are blank...
my body is frozen.

Thoughts bounce around,
as clear visions begin to blur.
My mind aches,
as brain waves torture me.

Keeping me up up all night,
while I toss and turn.
Trying to escape the fear
that eats my heart.

Visions of guns and bombs
taken action and disappear.
My body jerks and shakes,
as the noises hurt my ear.

Military uniforms flee for cover,
as faces scream in terror.
My voice yells and hollers,
wishing someone could hear.

My body violently trembles
as my pupils dilate.
Body parts are thrown around,
as buildings dissipate.

Innocent people lay upon the ground
never to see another day.
Lives are wasted and destroyed,
for a war that I don't understand.

Fear over comes me at this sight
as I scream "no"... reaching
out to these soldiers I know.
Wishing this vision was untrue.

Tears fill my eyes,
as fear steals my heart.
I whimper and hold myself,
want this dream to end.
 
Posts: 70 | Location: Morganton, NC | Registered: 10-07-03Reply With QuoteEdit or Delete MessageReport This Post
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Picture of nunya
Posted Hide Post
Hi,

I like the title of this piece. I have a couple suggestions for the piece itself.

Lying in bed,
staring at the ceiling.
My eyes blank...
my body frozen...

Thoughts bounce around,
as my vision blurs.
My mind aches,
brain waves torture me.

Keeping me up,
all night,tossing & turning
Trying to escape the fear
that gnaws at my heart.

Images of guns and bombs
trucks, and friends.
They rip through my mind,
leaving a gaping wound.

Camoflauge bodies flee for cover,
as faces scream in horror.
My voice yells and hollers,
wishing someone could hear.

My body violently trembles
as my pupils dilate.
Body parts are thrown around,
as buildings dissipate.

Innocent people lay upon the ground
never to see another day.
Lives are wasted and destroyed,
for a war that I don't understand.

Fear overcomes me at this sight
and I scream "no"... reaching
out to these soldiers I know.
Wishing this vision was untrue.

Tears fill my eyes,
as fear steals my breath.
I whimper and hold myself,
wanting this nightmare to end.

Anyways, that's my take on it. Not sure if you like the changes or not, I hope it doesn't take away from the vision you have of it.
 
Posts: 57 | Location: wherever I am is where I'm at | Registered: 03-03-04Reply With QuoteEdit or Delete MessageReport This Post
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