Dear Jesus,

I never promised to hold the flower for you
and oh!
He was beautiful that night
in the club, moving
with those fierce gyrations and vibrations
and I felt the Fire licking at
the petals of my lily
in every rhythmic step and sway,
and I was taken when our eyes met
above his drink – who knew there was alcohol
between my thighs? - and
I woke in his apartment 'cause
I thought the sky was empty.

One day I noticed unused tampons in my cabinet
and staring at an EPT, recalled that
positive means more than nothing.
My dreams filled with pink and blue, bonnets, bottles,
walks in the park, daycare centers and
then I lost it.
Drowning in blood and feeling numbness overtake my nerves
'til my heart shattered
and I ran out screaming at the vacant heavens -
my child was cold, I knew, and who would keep her warm?
You see,
she'd left her little suits and dresses
and the fleecy penguin blankie I bought on sale at Target.

So, Jesus,
I don't think you're up there, but
if perhaps I'm wrong,
please tell her Mommy's coming when she can,
and could you
make a penguin blankie out of clouds
and cosmic dust, with stars for eyes,
to keep her warm for me?

Sometimes I wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. -Mark Twain

Wow.

Brunana, this is beautiful and so heartwrenching, I'm afraid to ask what inspired it. The "penguin blankie out of clouds and cosmic dust with stars for eyes" really made my heart break and my eyes water. Your words are perfect, I think, so filled with passion and emotion. The ending sort of reminded me of "Streets of Heaven."

I truely think this may be one of your best and one of my favorites. Remember I love you and can't wait to see you again over Christmas.

Keep writing, and no matter what schools we go to, I'll always be reading.

~Since when do we have to go with the flow and follow the tide? I'd just as rather set my sails and dare the storm, itself.~

We are what we pretend to be, no matter how much our legs are shaking. - Path of Fate

Eternal,

I'm just wondering if you had anything specific you'd like help on- if you're just posting it here to get some feedback on whether your words fit, or your analogies work or what. This seemed to be a pretty awesome and moving poem the way it is, and would love to help if I could.

-Harv
Stella Splendens
December 22, 1985-March 27, 2003

Hmm, good point Harv. Let's see, specific help... The second stanza doesn't seem to work quite right for me, any suggestions to make it better in any way would be appreciated.

Does the "flower as virginity" analogy work here, or is it too cliche?

And does the bit about the blanket work? Sometimes I like it and sometimes I think it's a bit lighthearted and doesn't quite convey the agony.

And while I'm posting... Jules, thank you.

Sometimes I wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. -Mark Twain

2nd stanza:

One day I noticed
unused tampons in the cabinet
and staring at an EPT, recalled that
positive means more than nothing.
My dreams filled with pink and blue,
bonnets, bottles,
walks in the park, daycare centers
and
then I lost it.
Drowning in blood and nerves gone numb
'til my heart shattered
and
I ran out screaming at the vacant heavens -
my child was cold, I knew,
who would keep her warm?
You see,
she'd left her little dresses and
the fleecy penguin blankie I bought
on sale at Target.


Cliche: I actually really liked it. You link it to the flower lily lily link 1 lily link 2 which i really liked (whether intended or not).

Blanket: I quite think it works, it connects the warmth from all three stanza's together, in a solid way.

I hope that helped. All I did was change the spacing a little (feel free to change it back) because it seemed like the 2nd stanza had some long sentences where the flow of the poems is kinda, smooth but short. And now i have to run to class!

-Harv
Stella Splendens
December 22, 1985-March 27, 2003

Hi Eternal Second,

I enjoyed reading this; it's one of those poems whose meaning wasn't immediately obvious to simple barefoot me but became clear after a few readings. I like that feeling of being rewarded for pondering over a piece, so thank you.

Your first line frustrated me a little. It's a lovely image (holding a flower for Jesus) but without any clues in the text as to its meaning it left me at a loose end until I read your explanation in your next post that the flower is a metaphor for virginity. Now that I know what you meant, the image fits beautifully and sets up the rest of the poem; it may be worth making the meaning of the metaphor a little clearer, maybe?

I LOVED the lines

quote:

---

and oh!
He was beautiful that night

---

... there's a sort of breathless quality to them, which sets up the rest of the stanza perfectly. I could feel the breath catching in my throat at the exclamation mark, which is exactly how it is when you see someone like that across a dance floor. Very nicely done .

The phrase "who knew there was alcohol / between my thighs?" stuck a little, but I'm not sure why. A rhetorical question at that point in the poem disrupted your rhythm, not sure if that was intentional. If it was, I'm not sure I got your intended effect. Any time you've got a rhetorical question your reader is going to pause and reflect, which I'm not sure is what you want here. The rest of the stanza is so sensual and fluid, I thought you would be better off leaving out that whole section between the dashes. The "alcohol between my thighs" line doesn't seem to add much to the poem anyway, unless I'm missing your meaning (it is late and my brain's on autopilot so I apologise if I'm way off base here).

The bit with the blanket works fine, I'd leave it as is, but that's just me. Lighthearted images, if handled sensitively, can often be the most heartbreaking.

You seemed to lose your focus a little in the middle stanza. Your opening and closing stanzas are tight and vivid; it almost seems like they were written at a different time to the middle stanza. It might be an idea to reflect on what you wanted to say with this poem, and how. The opening section definitely rocks, but the middle section seems maybe a little flabby and in need of a workout. I'm not sure how seriously you take this whole poetry caper, but if you're keen to workshop some ideas I'm happy to chip in my 2 cents.

You're a good enough poet, I think, to take a couple of small criticisms on the chin; I hope you take my comments in the spirit they are meant. If you don't like them I'm told that my critiques, printed out, make excellent paper planes and even double up as okayish beer coasters in a pinch .

Thanks again Eternal Second for a rewarding read.

Peace and peas, Mo

"Word out to my peeps in da hood."
~ William Shakespeare [attrib.]

I think I had a slightly different reading of a couple things than Mo did. First, as to the rhetorical question:

quote:

---

and I was taken when our eyes met
above his drink – who knew there was alcohol
between my thighs?

---

If the question were taken out, leaving "and I was taken when our eyes met above his drink," I probably would have passed right over it as part of the description of the club scene (which is fine). However, with the rhetorical question, the drink also comes to represent the female speaker, suggesting that the man consumes her.

As a result, I think it leads readers to a more specific reading of the lines "and I felt the Fire licking at/the petals of my lily", at least for me. Whereas the fire imagery could simply be read as the woman's own passion, with the rhetorical question, I think the fire imagery is recast in a similarly consumptive and somewhat predatory way. It suggests that the guy's desire is the fire (not the woman's) and the speaker is the lily; hence, he is feeding off her for his own pleasure, which, in lieu of her virginity and the resulting pregnancy and loss, makes the poem that much more heartbreaking.

As for the second stanza, I agree with Harv and Mo, depending on what you're going for. I'd say that the beginning of the stanza isn't as intense as your others, and the imagery is more everyday than the highly-metaphorical ones of your first stanza. BUT the scene at the club is almost hypnotic with its eroticism, and the revelation of the pregnancy obviously breaks that spell and brings her back down to earth and everyday concerns (the EPT, bonnets and bottles, etc.). So in that case, the less intense and simpler imagery may be exactly what you want, especially since I think the stanza picks up its intensity again midway through with the lines "Drowning in blood and feeling numbness overtake my nerves" anyway.

Of course, I don't usually comment much on the poetry forum though, so I'm not a pro like these other guys . But I had to comment on it. I'm an English major, and I read poetry all the time, but I can't remember the last time I felt as moved as I did by your poem. It's really incredible, and it'll be great no matter what suggestions you take.

-----------------
"The task that remains is to cope with our interdependence--to see ourselves reflected in every other human being and to respect and honor our differences" ~ Melba Pattillo Beals, Warriors Don't Cry

Thanks for the replies! Mo, I struggled with the middle stanza as I was writing the poem. The first and last stanzas came to me without thought, and then I had to work a bit to try to connect them. I'm currently trying to give it a "workout," as you suggested, considering suggestions from several sources (including Harv's). Thank you for your kind words!

Katelyn, also thanks to you for your praise! I'm glad my poem moved you. For me the more everyday concerns of the second stanza offer a respite from the intensity of the first stanza. I'm going to keep it simple, I think, but rework it.

Again, thanks for the responses! A revised version may appear at some point, but it will take awhile...unfortunately, college does that.

Sometimes I wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it. -Mark Twain

Wow!!! Jesus will hear you!

Nothing Impossible!!!

Trust God With All Your Heart
People who fall in love are caught in all it's glory and beauty. The thrill of a kiss can send one's soul flying into the clouds.
But when we are afraid, or doubtful of the amount of trust we have with our beloved, the once beautiful love will fade away into oblivion.
I have had experience. These soothing words can convince a lover growing doubtful, that the flame still burns in their trusting hearts.
Remember, that when the trust is great and secure, the flame will continue to burn with it's warm glow.

www.sabetsu.com