Caught announced, While doing some work, I opened an old journal, And in the last page I found, A record of a routine exchange, And journeyed to somewhere profound.
Goodnight, Leave my door open, Leave your door open, Make sure the lights on BIG, Big…big…big, Goodnight.
Alright, See you in the morning, I love you. I love you, Sleep tight, sweet dreams, You have what it takes, Goodnight.
Words from a journal, Leave me longing for more, With my motivation gone, From notes read during a break, Brought an unwelcome guest, And unknown time with this ache.
----------------------------- "In all of our hearts lies a longing for a Sacred Romance. It will not go away in spite of our efforts over the years to anesthetize or ignore its song, or attach it to a single person or endeavor." Brent Curtis
[This message was edited by eagleandchild on 01-18-09 at 12:38 AM.]
Posts: 582 | Location: CA, USA | Registered: 11-12-07
1 : a stop at an intermediate point in one's journey 2 : a stopping place on a journey
~ m-w.com
The word picture I had initially was of an airport and passengers just milling, waiting for their next flight. But given the definition above, there's kind of an implicit emphasis as well upon the journeying. And as one begins reading your poem, indeed there is a journey to another dispensation, via the written word (how powerful are words!).
quote:Caught announced, Did you mean "unannounced"?
While doing some work, I opened an old journal, And in the last page I found{,} omit comma A record of a routine exchange, And journeyed to somewhere profound.
_Goodnight,_ _Leave my door open, _ _Leave your door open,_ _Make sure the lights on BIG,_ _Big…big…big, _ _Goodnight. _
_Alright,_ _See you in the morning,_ _I love you. I love you,_ _Sleep tight, sweet dreams,_ _You have what it takes,_ _Goodnight._
Words from a journal{,} omit comma Leave me longing for more{,} I'd either put a semicolon or a period here as you pick up a new idea in the next line. With my motivation gone, From notes read during a break, Brought an unwelcome guest, And unknown time with this ache.Reads a bit awkwardly... maybe some polishing of ideas here, something like (just examples):
With my motivation gone, From notes read during a break, Unwelcome guest intrudes to unbundle time with this ache.
~ or~
Words from a journal, Leave me longing for more, Leave my energies mired, From notes read during a break.
Who brought unwelcome guest and Unsought time with this ache?
I'll save my sentiments re the poem's theme for the Poetry forum, when you post your final revision there. I like how you italicized the two notes and sandwiched them between the speaker's feelings.
Thanks for sharing.
------------------------------ The opposite of joy is not sorrow. It is unbelief. ~ Leslie Weatherhead Picture me with my ground teeth stalking joy--fully armed too, as it's a highly dangerous quest. ~ Flannery O'Connor
Caught unannounced, While doing some work, I opened an old journal, And in the last page I found A record of a routine exchange, And journeyed to somewhere profound.
Goodnight, Leave my door open, Leave your door open, Make sure the lights on BIG, Big…big…big, Goodnight.
Alright, See you in the morning, I love you. I love you, Sleep tight, sweet dreams, You have what it takes, Goodnight.
Words from a journal Leave me longing for more; With my motivation gone, From notes read during a break, Unwelcome guest intrudes to unbundle time with this ache.
----------------------------- "In all of our hearts lies a longing for a Sacred Romance. It will not go away in spite of our efforts over the years to anesthetize or ignore its song, or attach it to a single person or endeavor." Brent Curtis
Posts: 582 | Location: CA, USA | Registered: 11-12-07
Caught unannounced, While doing some work, I opened an old journal, And in the last page I found A record of a routine exchange,
And a visitor from somewhere profound.??
What do you think about that last line change?
----------------------------- "In all of our hearts lies a longing for a Sacred Romance. It will not go away in spite of our efforts over the years to anesthetize or ignore its song, or attach it to a single person or endeavor." Brent Curtis
Posts: 582 | Location: CA, USA | Registered: 11-12-07
quote:Originally posted by eagleandchild: Caught unannounced, While doing some work, I opened an old journal, And in the last page I found A record of a routine exchange,
_And a visitor from somewhere profound._??
What do you think about that last line change?
Hello, eagle.
Well, I think the original wording dovetails nicely with your title's "stopover" connotations re journeying whereas the above word change doesn't underscore the journeying so much.
Either wording, I think, is okay. Since you're the author, you need to decide if you wish to emphasize the unexpected intrusion of a 'guest' from the notebook's pages ~or~ if you wish to emphasize the idea of introspective travel.
(p.s. I hope you keep the italics for the two middle paragraphs to distinguish as notes.)'
p.p.s. ~ I see you figured out purple font!
------------------------------ The opposite of joy is not sorrow. It is unbelief. ~ Leslie Weatherhead Picture me with my ground teeth stalking joy--fully armed too, as it's a highly dangerous quest. ~ Flannery O'Connor
I added some things but not sure if I should have. I think I need to end it with one more thing but I wanted to post this.
When do you know it's ready to post in poetry?
Yesterday’s Stopover
Caught unannounced, While doing some work, I opened an old journal, And in the last page I found A record of a routine exchange, And journeyed to somewhere profound.
Goodnight, Leave my door open, Leave your door open, Make sure the lights on BIG, Big…big…big, Goodnight.
Alright, See you in the morning, I love you. I love you, Sleep tight, sweet dreams, You have what it takes, Goodnight.
Words from a journal Leave me longing for more; With my motivation gone, From notes read during a break, Unwelcome guest intrudes to Unbundled time with this ache.
And then a return to where I don’t know, On this journey of forgotten time, To milestones so long ago, A revealed camouflaged chain, Attached to pains that increase in range As more dialogue starts to flow.
Come here Bandit boy, Come here Daisy girl, That’s a good Bandit boy, That’s a good Daisy girl Go get the ball. Do you want to go for a swim?
----------------------------- "In all of our hearts lies a longing for a Sacred Romance. It will not go away in spite of our efforts over the years to anesthetize or ignore its song, or attach it to a single person or endeavor." Brent Curtis
Posts: 582 | Location: CA, USA | Registered: 11-12-07
Just now spied your latest revision, eagle. I'll be back later, when I have some leisure, to give proper feedback.
------------------------------ The opposite of joy is not sorrow. It is unbelief. ~ Leslie Weatherhead Picture me with my ground teeth stalking joy--fully armed too, as it's a highly dangerous quest. ~ Flannery O'Connor
quote:Originally posted by eagleandchild: I added some things but not sure if I should have. I think I need to end it with one more thing but I wanted to post this.
When do you know it's ready to post in poetry?
Good question. A wise thing to do with any freshly written piece is to throw it in a drawer and leave it alone for a few days. Given that it's taken me so long to provide you feedback on your latest revision, I'd say you meet the above qualification. Not eyeballing something you've written for a few days allows for a bit more objectivity... which in turn makes it easier to critique, edit, correct typos, etc.
That said, I can tell you that some of us are professional tweakers. I can pull out a poem I wrote 4 years ago and had forgotten --and still find things to tweak! So, at some point, you just have to think, I've spent enough time grooming this thing..... time to throw it out in TheGreatOutThere.
Okay, just as a challenge to myself, I combed through each line in your most recent revision and 'tweaked' per my Airedalean inclinations. I don't know if I came closer to what you were trying to communicate or not. I looked for ways to erase wordy articles (a, an, the) and to eradicate some wordiness and/or awkwardness. See what you think. I may be 'way off the mark, esp. as I'm not too clear what the poem is about. I like how it actually reads as a bit of a riddle, which is great for piquing a reader's curiosity.
FYI: When I clicked "quote" to edit, your italicized words were replaced with _this_ _underline_ mark_; I didn't make the change; your italicized verses work fine for me.
quote: Yesterday’s Stopover ...
... caught my attention, came unannounced. While doing some work, I opened an old journal and in the last page found records of routine exchange, and journeyed to somewhere profound.
_Goodnight,_ _Leave my door open,_ _Leave your door open,_ _Make sure the lights on BIG,_ _Big…big…big, _ _Goodnight. _
_Alright,_ _See you in the morning,_ _I love you. I love you,_ _Sleep tight, sweet dreams,_ _You have what it takes,_ _Goodnight._
Words from a journal leave me longing for more; with my motivation gone, from notes read during a break, unwelcome guests intrude, unbundle time with an ache.
On this journey of forgotten time, to milestones so long ago, one camouflaged chain is revealed, attached to pain upon pain <<< or maybe... attached to pain of all pains >>> For some reason, this line is a tough one to get to 'sound' good in the context! as more "dialogue" starts to flow.
But then a return... to where I don’t know.
_Come here, Bandit boy,_ _Come here, Daisy girl,_ _That’s a good Bandit boy,_ _That’s a good Daisy girl_ _Go get the ball._ _Do you want to go for a swim?_
------------------------------ The opposite of joy is not sorrow. It is unbelief. ~ Leslie Weatherhead Picture me with my ground teeth stalking joy--fully armed too, as it's a highly dangerous quest. ~ Flannery O'Connor
