[This poem just came to me before I woke up to a new day and painted a small scene on the canvas]


A peak into another world,
Spirit of mine does see,
A picture of serenity and calm,
Of a half moonlit night,
On a distant unknown shore,
Where flowers light up,
In a luminescence glow
Of bright hues of orange and yellow,
Where the night sky blending in,
With the dark bluish shimmers,
Of the ocean waves,
Folding into white frothy bubbles
As they shore up to the beach,
At times and places, crashing into the invisible black rocks.

For a moment so brief,
Spirit of mine, floats across,
Senses the blowing of a gentle breeze,
(Flowing from the side of the ocean)
And absorbing the clean fresh air,
But soon that “another world” melts away,
As the ray of light from a light house in the distance,
Gives way to the bright morning sun rays
Of the world in present.
This wasn’t any dream,
Just a window to another world.

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Dont Be Afraid To Take Risks,
For You Are The Spirit, That's Eternal
And Can Never Be Hurt

I was trying to insert the above image into my poem but got delayed...hope one can open the link and see the picture the poem is based on

The name of the picture is also "A Window to Another World"

A Window to Another World

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Dont Be Afraid To Take Risks,
For You Are The Spirit, That's Eternal
And Can Never Be Hurt

quote:

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Originally posted by Cevi:
[This poem just came to me before I woke up to a new day and painted a small scene on the canvas]

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Thanks for including the canvas painting as it helps one "see" what your words attempt to describe.

A **peak into another world,
Spirit of mine does see,

**peak = mountain peak (tip); noun
peek = peer, stare; verb

This is purely subjective, but my personal preference is to avoid too many small articles like "a, an, the", esp. at the beginning of a poem (you have 5 in the first 7 lines). You might try tightening your thoughts by deleting some "a's" and/or replacing them with more vivid adjectives. For example, something like:

Spirit of mine,
peek into another world ... and see

A picture of serenity and calm,
Of a half moonlit night,
On a distant unknown shore,
Where flowers light up,

"light up" seems ... tired and worn out as an expression.... try to make this luminescence (good word choice below!) sound more otherly.

In a luminescence glow: awk. I think you want the adjective, luminescent

Of bright hues of orange and yellow,
Where the night sky blending in,
With the dark bluish shimmers,
Of the ocean waves,

wordy... I'd try to distill the lines further and add more "music" to the reader's ear. Example:

Where panoplied canopy blends
with ocean's darkening shimmers

Folding into white frothy bubbles
As they shoring up toward the beach,
At times and places, crashing into the invisible black rocks.

For a moment so brief,

Again, play with the music of words... the above sounds like the beginning of an essay, not a poem. How can what you want to say sound poetical? Examples:

For moment brief
For briefing moment

Spirit of mine, float across,

Since you are addressing Spirit with the implied subject "you", the correct verb agreement would be (you) "float"

Sense the blowing of a gentle breeze,
(Flowing from the side of the ocean)
And absorbing the clean fresh air, I think I'd put a period here

But soon that “another world” melts away,

Maybe.....

Too soon, too soon my windowed world melts away

Repeating a significant phrase adds music to a poem. Repeating a beginning consonant ("w") as in "windowed world" also can add music

As the ray of light from a light house in the distance{,}don't need comma here

(What? You need a subject here) Gives way to the bright morning sun rays
Of the world in present.
This wasn’t any dream,
Just a window to another world.

Your poem has promise and I'm glad you put it in workshop... with some sweaty revisions, this could be a compelling commentary on your canvas. (See Lilredhead's last poem in workshop for an example of how a poem can be improved with revision).

Thanks for sharing, Cevi! I hope I might have challenged your muse to dig deeper into the music and beauty of poetry. Feel free to toss out any suggestion of mine you don't care for!

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The opposite of joy is not sorrow. It is unbelief. ~ Leslie Weatherhead
Picture me with my ground teeth stalking joy--fully armed too, as it's a highly dangerous quest. ~ Flannery O'Connor

Peeking into world another
Spirit of mine glimpses,
Picture of serenity and calm
Where a silvery light
Is cast by the half hidden moon,
Casts a bit of
On a shore unknown and distant.
Flowers in a luminescent glow
Varied hues of orange and yellow,
Dance gingerly,
In tune to music of soft breeze,
That blows from the sea across.
Canopy of night sky that blends
With sea’s darkening shimmers,
Waves folding into white frothy bubbles
Shoring toward the beach,
At times and places, crashing into invisible black rocks,
In crevices and folds
Near and around the cliffs, beneath.

For moments brief
Does the spirit, wander over
To absorb the clean fresh air
But tad to soon that “another world” melts
As sharp yellow rays of light,
Sparkling from light house,
In distance not far, (seeming to fall on me),
Making way to bright...bright
Filtering in thru, morning sun light
To world in present…
3
…This wasn’t any dream,
Just a windowed world.

New title: Windowed World

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Thanks many ton Airdale for your useful suggestions and very useful pointers....greatly appreciate it and makes me look at poetry from a new light.

As editing the original post is not possible, I have made slight changes to my poem and am posting it, in this reply.

A small favor to ask- if you could sometime email me a few useful pointers so that my poem doesnt sound to wordy and has a musical spirit to it. (cevi.hings@gmail.com)

I would be very grateful.
Thanx once again
With best regds Vivek

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Dont Be Afraid To Take Risks,
For You Are The Spirit, That's Eternal
And Can Never Be Hurt

[This message was edited by Cevi on 03-03-06 at 05:15 AM.]

[Please ignore the above posted poem...I was in the middle of making a few changes...alas my editing got blocked...15 minutes fly so fast.]


Peeking into world another
Spirit of mine glimpses,
Picture of serenity and calm
Silvery light of half hidden moon
Cast its rays
On a shore unknown and distant.
Flowers in a luminescent glow
Varied hues of orange and yellow,
Dance gingerly,
In tune to music of soft breeze,
That blow from sea across.
Canopy of night sky that blends
With sea’s darkening shimmers,
Waves folding into white frothy bubbles
Shoring towards the beach,
At times and places, crashing into invisible black rocks,
Laying in crevices and folds
Near and around the cliffs, beneath.

For moments brief
Does the spirit, wander over
To absorb the clean fresh air
But tad to soon that “another world” melts
As sharp yellow rays of light,
Sparkling from light house,
In distance not far, (seeming to fall on me),
Making way to bright...bright
Filtering in thru, morning sun light
To world in present- just stirring...

…This wasn’t any dream,
Just a windowed world.


Title changed to Windowed World

(Thanks for the title too Airdale)

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Dont Be Afraid To Take Risks,
For You Are The Spirit, That's Eternal
And Can Never Be Hurt