My darling Schwezz
Oh! How I long to hug you,
Feel your spirited soul;
Embibe the warmth,
That gets exchanged, as we embrace,
For moment so few,
And ever fleeting…
…Just be in the world of our own,
In which we intwine
Encompassing in our hearts, feeling of love n pleasure,
to last for a lifetime.
Oh! My darling Shwezz!
How, I long to hug you,
Where our spirited souls become one
In this union, encircled the blissful love of Thee.
Oh! My Sweeet Darling Shwezz

---

Dont Be Afraid To Take Risks,
For You Are The Spirit, That's Eternal
And Can Never Be Hurt

Cevi,

Overall I am not sure of what can change due to the nature of this piece being what it is; however, "Schwezz" itself bothered me and I think you need a slightly more solid basis for introducing (presumeably) him to the audience. By this, I mean is Schwezz a lover or possibly offspring? Some of the poem might read a little more awkward if it were offspring but the metaphorical meaning would still be the same.

Any changes I suggest will be bolded below.

My darling Schwezz,
Oh!
How I long to hug you,
Feel your spirited soul;
Embibe the warmth
That is exchanged through embrace,
For the moments rest so few,
And ever fleeting…

I removed several comma's from above to help the flow. I simply do not feel this first section needs nearly as many pauses as you placed into it and it reads much better to me without them. One of the biggest problems I see overall is redundancy. My changes will reflect a desire to cut back on some of that redundancy.

…Just to be in the world of our own,

I cut out the line "In which we intertwined" because this notion is already handled by the hug, and embrace discussed above.

Encompassed in our hearts,
feelings of love and pleasure
to last for a lifetime.
Oh!
My darling Shwezz!
In this union our spirited souls become one,
encircled with blissful love.
Oh!
My Sweet, Sweet Darling Shwezz!

This is what the final product looks like with my suggestions:

My darling Schwezz,
Oh!
How I long to hug you,
Feel your spirited soul;
Embibe the warmth
That is exchanged through embrace,
For the moments rest so few,
And ever fleeting…
…Just to be in the world of our own,
Encompassed in our hearts,
feelings of love and pleasure
to last for a lifetime.
Oh!
My darling Shwezz!
In this union our spirited souls become one,
encircled with blissful love.
Oh!
My Sweet, Sweet Darling Shwezz!

In reading this version from start to finish, I feel much more connected with the piece. I think it reads much more strongly and feels concise and just right. I especially like the "Oh!"'s on their own line because it adds more emotion to them in my opinion. In any regards, these are my suggestions, I shall wait to see what you come up with if you decide to change anything.

-Aeras

Hi Aeras,

Actually, I am a he and not a she, its just the name sounds feminine, that beacuse I jumbled it around from my maiden name Vivek Singh, 19 years ago.

Next Schwezz is a girl an imaginary one I created, character which relates to a persona of a friend and colleague in my office who I have kind of a crush on (but she's into someone else....what triangles of love we get ourselves into...I know it too well). The poem is based on her. I wanted to try something different.

Many thank you for you constructive suggestions
and the way you have reconstructed my poem.
for the moment I'll leave it as it is, Your version feels and sounds much better.

I'll leave it as it is for the moment

---

Dont Be Afraid To Take Risks,
For You Are The Spirit, That's Eternal
And Can Never Be Hurt

Glad I could help . I wish you the best in your endeavor towards captivating "Schwezz."

If you feel the piece is complete then you should ask a moderator to lock it. Once again I think the final product after suggestions makes this truly powerful and that maybe Schwezz herself would be impressed with what you have written . Thanks for the background.

-Aeras