This has been sitting in my unfinished folder for so long (since 9-13-04) that I thought I would finally drag it out for you all to see. Any and all comments are welcome, and for some I wouldn't be surprised to see parts of this torn apart. Go for it. You older members should know my open acceptance of criticism [constructive]. Anyways, it sort of has a title, but I don't like it, so I'll see if you guys can come up with a better one before I poison your minds with the one I don't like.
She sits within her sphere of death, Her last hour of worldly struggles. By the time they came to help her, She since had long been gone.
She was energetic, almost too charismatic an entity within her world. She would interject herself into any bordered realm if she felt they- or she- could benefit.
Whitely flushed, extremely pale, and deathly lay the flesh on her bones. The very infrastructure that was to serve as The foundation and protectorate of her vital portions- lay finely powdered- A calcified dust that was now but a shadow of her form.
She didn’t understand what defeat in her world meant, For such an unspoken action had only occurred but once.
Her body, her vessel, her continent of life- lay bloodied and gored, Pitted against the resounding hatred and enmity Of those who resented who she was and what she was. Resentment of the dreams that defined her in other’s eyes
But defeat is what she would know- For she could not rise high enough to conquer death itself.
Her torn blue dress laid tattered and frayed, clung to her Listless body and matted down by her blood- our blood. When her companions found her, a thin white sheet- As soft as any ash that could have graced her skin- Rested over her hollow carcass; yet exposing a square of blue fabric Where her left shoulder lay inert.
They all had awaited this day- they knew she would fall, But their collapse remained as imminent.
White linens crisscrossed this exposed patch of blue in haphazard fashion. But the gleaming stars in her eyes were lost, the last glimmer given At the spark of her demise. Her blood spattered through the sheet, Vigilant to stay in tightly formed columns, projecting the icon that once flew above her- A burial offering for her.
They all gathered at her funeral and speaking in every language to every worldly denizen, One rose to the podium.
This has sat alone, long enough, my friend. Personally, I would be interested in hearing your title, as I dislike making suggestions myself.
quote: She since had long been gone.
I think this is a syntactical/tense error where you have inadvertently twisted 'has' and 'since' around and I'm not sure that 'been' is necessary. I'd suggest something like:
She had long since departed/gone.
Hmm, I still don't much like it, but I think that would be correct.
quote: She would interject herself into any bordered realm if she felt they- or she- could benefit.
'Eek' was the first thought that came to mind here. I found this line a) difficult to understand, particularly when juxtaposed with the descriptive line above b) possibly too long. I'm also not sure if 'interject' (synonym of interrupt) is quite the word you're looking for maybe 'project'? It really looks like I'm ripping into you already, but can I first say that I do like the longer lines and I think they do work effectively as long as you can avoid the tendency for them to appear prosaic, which is at times problematic because of their length. It is also worth noting that the line in question and the one above are the only couplets that appear as statements, which don't flow together.
quote: Whitely flushed, extremely pale, and deathly lay the flesh on her bones. The very infrastructure that was to serve as The foundation and protectorate of her vital portions- lay finely powdered- A calcified dust that was now but a shadow of her form.
In terms of structure, you might consider varying the line lengths, keeping the ones in larger text shorter, but I have to say, I really liked this stanza- nice imagery, diction and concept. I would suggest removing 'extremely' from the first line, as it detracts somewhat from the rhythm of the list, but otherwise, great.
quote: She didn’t understand what defeat in her world meant, For such an unspoken action had only occurred but once.
This is so much better in my opinion and below again; here the reader notices the change in topic and can respond, identifying why the author has chosen to vary the structure of the piece, much like the separation of octave and sestet in a sonnet.
quote: Her body, her vessel, her continent of life- lay bloodied and gored, Pitted against the resounding hatred and enmity Of those who resented who she was and what she was. Resentment of the dreams that defined her in other’s eyes
Fantastic first three lines here. You just missed a full stop at the end of the stanza.
quote: Her torn blue dress laid tattered and frayed, clung to her Listless body and matted down by her blood- our blood. When her companions found her, a thin white sheet- As soft as any ash that could have graced her skin- Rested over her hollow carcass; yet exposing a square of blue fabric Where her left shoulder lay inert.
Colours duly noted; nice metaphor. The first line either requires an additional word of change of tense, e.g.
Her torn blue dress laid tattered and frayed, clinging to her
Her torn blue dress laid tattered and frayed, that/which clung to her
Is there any symbolism/significance of the left shoulder?
quote: White linens crisscrossed this exposed patch of blue in haphazard fashion. But the gleaming stars in her eyes were lost, the last glimmer given At the spark of her demise. Her blood spattered through the sheet, Vigilant to stay in tightly formed columns, projecting the icon that once flew above her- A burial offering for her.
I'd suggest avoiding repeated mention of 'blue' I like the subtlety you employ, which becomes evident at the conclusion of the piece. I think crisscrossed has a hypen, (criss-crossed).
"Vigilant to stay in tightly formed columns, projecting the icon that once flew above her- A burial offering for her."
I must confess, I didn't understand these lines.
The ending is just right, I wouldn't change it at all. When I think of a personification of America, I draw instantly to the statue of liberty, I presume upon reflection (and searching google for an image) this is where the idea of an exposed left shoulder comes from, and perhaps the italicised 'ash.' I found this latter connection (if it is at all) a little difficult, for many people I would contend that the idea of a torch or flame is the central iconic image and embodiment of the statue, perhaps (unless I'm missing the mark completely) this could be further incorporated into this piece?
Aeras, you concept is brilliant and I know that you must see some potential here, keep working at it, I know it's going to be good when it's finished.
Grant.
Stella Splendens December 22, 1985 - March 27, 2003 RIP ...Always.
Posts: 1773 | Location: Devon, England | Registered: 02-04-02
Hope, thank you very much for responding. A good critique is hard to find these days, its good to see your still giving them. I have made some general changes, however I am unsure how to change two stanzas to better paint the picture I had intended. I'll let you know my intention and maybe that will spark your idea processes.
She sits within her sphere of death, Her last hour of worldly struggles. By the time they came to help her, She had since long been gone.
She was energetic, almost too charismatic an entity within her world And would enter any bordered realm if she felt they- or she- could benefit.
Whitely flushed, very pale, and deathly lay the flesh on her bones. The very infrastructure that was to serve as her foundation, The protectorate of her vital portions- lay finely powdered- A calcified dust that was now but a shadow of her form.
She didn’t understand what defeat in her world meant, For such an unspoken action had only occurred but once.
Her body, her vessel, her continent of life- lay bloodied and gored, Pitted against the resounding hatred and enmity Of those who resented who she was and what she was; Resentment of the dreams that defined her in other’s eyes.
But defeat is what she would know- For she could not rise high enough to conquer death itself.
Her torn blue dress laid tattered and frayed, clinging to her Listless body and matted down by her blood- our blood. When her companions found her, a thin white sheet- As soft as any ash that could have graced her skin- Rested over her hollow carcass; yet exposing a square of blue fabric Where her left shoulder lay inert.
They all had awaited this day- they knew she would fall, But their collapse remained as imminent.
White linens crisscrossed this exposed patch of blue in haphazard fashion. But the gleaming stars in her eyes were lost, the last glimmer given At the spark of her demise. Her blood spattered through the sheet, Vigilant to stay in tightly formed columns, projecting the icon that once flew above her- A burial offering for her.
They all gathered at her funeral and speaking in every language to every worldly denizen, One rose to the podium.
“Oh dear, sweet America, what have we done?”
Now, what I bolded was those parts I feel need to be changed after reading your critique. The overall image was supposed to be of the American flag (and I found it interesting you were drawn to the Statue of Liberty). Obviously, I left plenty of room for doubt. To answer your earlier question, the blue path in the shoulder was the upper left corner of the flag (the blue part). The linnens criss-crossing were to (and I always thought not very well) symbolize the stars. The blood formed the red stripes and so fourth. But the execution of those stanzas could be remarkedly different, which is what I think they may need. Do you have any ideas or word changes? Any you can think of just go ahead and say because chances are they will stimulate my mind on how to best change them. In any case, thanks again for your critique. I appreciate it. Oh, on another note, the mention of ash as the sheet was supposed to portray nuclear destruction, but I never felt that went across well either. Let me know your thoughts. Thanks again.
