Lost all senses of my sanity. Feeling's gone from this reality. Darkness stirs and begs me, follow him, and I go on less than just a whim. What the hell? There's nothing else for me! Nothing but my idiosyncrasy, weaving in and out of nothingness. Lost, abandoned, god forbid I miss all the things that life could lead me to, as I stumble blind through nothing new. Pain and sorrow, life is tragedy burning all of this menagerie. As the clock keeps ticking on and on, no one breaks the chain,
'Til now.
"Judge not lest ye be judged yourself."~ "To secure peace is to prepare for war." ~ "In wildness is the preservation of the world, so seek the wolf in thyself!" ~ "One man's fun is another's hell." ~ "Misery loves company." ~ "Boredum sets into the boring mind." ~ The less I have the more I gain." ~ "When a man lies, he murders some part of the world." ~ "Living on your knees? Conformity. Or dying on your feet for honesty." All of the above? Metallica.
[This message was edited on 02-02-04 at 01:15 PM.]
Darkness stirs and begs me, follow him, or Darkness stirs and begs me to follow him,
quote: and I go on less then just a whim.
Than, not then
quote: What the hell, there's nothing else for me
What the hell? There's nothing else for me! Maybe?
quote: Lost, abandoned, god forbid I miss
God, if you're refering to Him, if you're just useing the saying...then little 'g' may work.
I'll leave the rest up to the others.
______ "If the track is tough and the hill is rough, / THINKING you can just ain't enough!" Shel Silverstein, "The Little Blue Engine"
"There may be something in what you say, Rabbit," Eeyore said at last. "I have been neglecting you. I must move about more. I must come and go." "That's right, Eeyore. Drop in on any of us at anytime, when you feel like it." "Thank you Rabbit. And if anyone says in a loud voice "Bother, it's Eeyore" I can drop out again."
Hey, the theme of this one strikes a cord with me. I read this earlier and it's been on my mind most of the day. If you don't mind I'd like to mess with it a little--you take this as a suggestion or just look it at as your words inspired me to want to add to your work. Here goes:
I hold, white knuckled, to reality that thin wire—my sanity.
darkness stirs and I can't see, midnight whispers, "follow me."
what the hell, nothing else for me, nothing but my idiosyncrasy.
weaving in and out of now, Lost, abandoned, god knows how.
this life, oh the wonder, what I could do as I stumble blind through nothing new.
tired of clinging to the same old thing, I think it's time I cut the string.
maybe I'll find, when I fall, I'm not afraid of the dark after all.
Anyway, it's good to have you back...keep writing. Hope you don't mind the above.
The optimist calling on a great pessimist
"I believe that when death closes our eyes we shall awaken to a light, of which our sunlight is but the shadow." - Arthur Schopenhauer
You called this "Metronome" - but it doesn't feel like one.
Maybe shorter lines to reflect the click-clack rhythm of the metronome - or at least internal rhymes? The title, as it stands, doesn't fit the piece (or the piece doesn't fit the title!).
I'm not quite sure what you were trying to say - is this a love poem (darkness stirs and begs me, follow him)? or teen/depressed angst (there's nothing left for me)? or a personal cheer for "breaking the chain" (of what, though?). It needs focus.
"Pain and sorrow, life is tragedy burning all of this menagerie."
You're reaching here. Menagerie may rhyme with tragedy, but what does a collection of animals have to do with anything? And where'd the fire come from?
hmm... Many *hugs* back to luveleetasha, and I love your version... It's much better than my own!
In answer to Rhon, I also agree (*weird looks ensue*) I wrote this poem because I've got too many things going on in my head at once, I was trying to make sense of them and failed. I called it metronome because my situation reminds me of the constant rhythm of nothing, and being musically inclined... that's what came to me at first.
The poem doesn't have a theme, and I guess I can honestly say I don't like it all that much because of said lacking. It's random, thrown together in a jumble, and... hmm.. well I think you've covered what I'm trying to say here.
I'm just trying to get back into my writing after a rough year, and this just tells me I've got a long road ahead.
Thank you both for your comments, I'm glad to be back, and hopefully can offer something a bit better in the future.
"Judge not lest ye be judged yourself."~ "To secure peace is to prepare for war." ~ "In wildness is the preservation of the world, so seek the wolf in thyself!" ~ "One man's fun is another's hell." ~ "Misery loves company." ~ "Bordum sets into the boring mind." ~ The less I have the more I gain." ~ "When a man lies, he murders some part of the world." ~ "Living on your knees? Conformity. Or dying on your feet for honesty." All of the above? Metallica.
