Is it too hard to drink from my blood red lips?
Does my blood have a bitter taste that you can feel in your soul?
Or does it taste of the sweet honey that is passion alone?
Is it that hard to look into the clean pools of my eyes?
Why is it then that you depart without my leave only to make me bleed?
I only ask of you to drink from me to make me yours and complete
I bend my neck and I know the tan skin invites you in.
I have seen you lick your lips more than twice for my offer
So why all this fight, why not just bite and make it alright
Just two little stings that I will barely feel, a minute of pain
A lifetime of love and commitment instead we will steal
Yes, yes draw me in with your eyes and bend me to your will
So malleable I am, aren't I, always willing to do as you ask
Why do you hesitate then, why, is it that you too know
That it is a lie that you live with no true hold that binds us both
You know that my heart doesn’t only, no, not at all, beat for you
Yet, you killed him did you not; you extinguished his light
His screams I heard that night with your first bite so tight
Do you fear that I might plunge a wooden stake in you heart?
In your impure heart, I am too weak for a fight, can't you tell
So come bite my love, so your life can end with that of mine.

[This message was edited on 05-07-03 at 11:03 PM.]

Your subject line was edited by Gemini7tat - Moderator 5-7-03

[This message was edited on 05-07-03 at 11:13 PM.]

[This message was edited on 05-10-03 at 01:36 PM.]

[When I copy the poem below, the spelling and/or grammatical suggestions I'll write in bold~]

Is it too hard to drink from my blood red lips
Does it have a bitter taste that you feel in your depth*?
Or the sweet taste of the honey that is passion
Is it that hard to look into the pools of my eyes?
Why is it that you leave without my leave**?
I only ask you to drink from me to make me yours
I bend my neck and I know the tan skin invites***
I’ve seen you lick your lips more than twice
So why all this fight^ why not just bite
Just two little stings that I’ll barely feel
A life time of love and commitment instead we’ll steal
Yes, yes draw me in and bend me to your will
So malleable I am, willing to do as you ask
Why do you hesitate then, is it that you too know
That it’s a lie that you live with no true hold
You know that my heart doesn’t only no^^ not at all beat for you
Yet, you killed him didn’t you, extinguished his light
His screams I heard that night with your first bite
Do you fear that I might plunge a wooden stake?
In your impure heart, I’m too weak for a fight
So come bite my love so I can take your life^^^ with mine.


*taste that you feel in your depth?
You taste (taste as in verb) in depth? I don't know, I'm not sure if it seems fine.., it doesn't seem very fine to me.

**without my leave- should it be "without asking for my leave"?

***Something seems missing here- should it be "invites you"? Did you wrote the line ending with "invites" to rhyme it with the next line-ending "twice"?

^Maybe there should be a comma ",", between "fight" and "why" [Read out the poem in your head, andmaybe you would think that the lines would seem better with a comma in between]

^^"no not at all"- I think that on omitting the "no", which probably crept in by error (you probably wanted to write something with "no" earlier but then thought that you would write "not at all" instead?)

^^^Maybe the word "away" should be there too- take your life away; but then maybe "take your life" is fine too; would someone else suggest what seems better?

Nice title. And you have some "Masterfull" ("Master" from your title, and "fulL" to make it seem more FULL.. this work does seem masterful to me, I just wrote it as 'Masterfull'-.. my craziness ) work here- just a bit of polishing might make it shine more. The poemearlier seems like a romantic poem; this line brings the twist:
Why do you hesitate then, is it that you too know
I like the use of "malleable", had read and heard it just regarding some elements etc. in chemistry earlier!
In your impure heart, I’m too weak for a fight
-please explain the this line.. if you want to portray0 as the earlier lines implied- that the other person is hesitant, I wonder why would that person be hesitant if s/he considers you weak?
So come bite my love so I can take your life with mine.
-NICELY WRITTEN ENDING!

Good attempt.


~Not writing for friendship, not reading by the name;
I now play in the Writers' Clubs, impartially for the writing game..~
-me, Letswriteandshare. For more information on this signature click on the link to my poem (need not reply, just read) that I provide ahead: Bias.

[This message was edited on 05-06-03 at 02:10 AM.]

Is it too hard to drink from my blood red lips
Does my blood have a bitter taste that you can feel in your soul?
Or does it taste of the sweet honey that is passion
Is it that hard to look into the clean pools of my eyes?
Why is it then that you leave without my leave*?
I only ask of you to drink from me to make me yours
I bend my neck and I know the tan skin invites you in.
I’ve seen you lick your lips more than twice for me
So why all this fight, why not just bite and make it alright
Just two little stings that I’ll barely feel, a minute of pain
A life time of love and commitment instead we’ll steal
Yes, yes draw me in and bend me to your will
So malleable I am, always willing to do as you ask
Why do you hesitate then, is it that you too know
That it’s a lie that you live with no true hold
You know that my heart doesn’t only no, not at all, beat for you
Yet, you killed him didn’t you, extinguished his light
His screams I heard that night with your first bite
Do you fear that I might plunge a wooden stake?
In your impure heart, I’m too weak for a fight
So come bite my love so I can take your life** with mine.

*Doesn't leave mean permission also. Just wondering.
**I meant it as to kill I don't know if its coming across though.

I wasn't aiming for a love poem its suppose to be a poem about being put into situations that you don't like I got the idea from a friend of mine that everyone forced into a relationship that she didn't like and want to be in. I hope it comes across as that.

~I told you. You don't love somebody because of their looks or their cloths or thier car. You love them because they sing a song that nobody but you can undrestand. ~L.J. Smith
~Ralph Waldo Emerson said, 'Finish every day and be done with it'

http://www.beastieboys.com/

ForEverMonaM,

The question you asked:

Doesn't leave mean permission also. Just wondering.

Regarding the line:
Why is it then that you leave without my leave?


If you look up the word permission in the thesaurus, one of the related words listed is indeed leave, but using the same word twice in the sentence seems to makes it hard to grasp your exact meaning of the word. Maybe you should just use the word permission, or one of the other words listed like consent.
Just a suggestion.

Also you stated:

**I meant it as to kill I don't know if its coming across though.

When referring to the line:

So come bite my love so I can take your life** with mine.

How about,
So come bite my love,so your life will end with mine.

I hope the suggestions have helped some.

I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing than to teach ten thousand stars how not to dance - e e cummings

I think this is done so if some one could look at it and see if they can find anything else wrong with it other wise would one of the moderaters as I undrestand aprove it and posted.

~I told you. You don't love somebody because of their looks or their cloths or thier car. You love them because they sing a song that nobody but you can undrestand. ~L.J. Smith
~Ralph Waldo Emerson said, 'Finish every day and be done with it'

http://www.beastieboys.com/

ForEverMonaM, If You as the Author of this work are satisfied that it is complete then You are to post the edited and revised work into the forum of your choice. We as the moderators here only change the subject line to reflect that it has been completed by the Author and posted elsewhere. We also lock the completed post so that new works are given the chance to be replied to. This also allows You to then post a new work here for critic and change. I hope I have explained this in a complete and comprehensive manner for all to understand. Gemini7tat



"Words alone are single little statements that make no true impact. The real trick is to persuade them to release the power they hide.-Gem"

Gemini7tat: I understand what you wrote; what you wrote (more than that, how you wrote it) made me smile.

Forevermonam: PLEASE don't edit the ORIGINAL work you post- read the rule on top of the forum that says this. It's hard to see that how the poem took form. It's hard to know by what there is NOW, what there was EARLIER. Please post your EDITED work in a NEW REPLY, leaving the ORIGINAL work as it is/was.
Secondly, since QL is a literary site and this is a Writing club, can you please use some fine language, spellings and grammer in your replies? It's hard to read your replies (your works are alright mostly, but your replies have poor spellings and lots of typos) without getting distracted, otherwise. Please don't mind all this- I just wanted to say this . Thank you.
P.S.: Oh I just saw that maybe you did that because I posted the original work (with few changes) in my reply above. Sorry . But keep that thing about not changing the original in mind...by the way; The line involving the "leave" thing has come out to be better now I think [earlier: Why is it that you leave without my leave?; now it is: Why is it then that you depart without my leave only to make me bleed?] .


~Not writing for friendship, not reading by the name;
I now play in the Writers' Clubs, impartially for the writing game..~
-me, Letswriteandshare. For more information on this signature click on the link to my poem (need not reply, just read) that I provide ahead: Bias.

As I told one of the moderators I'm sorry I didn't know all the rules and now that I know them I'm glad to fallow them and I would like to point out one thing when this whole thing started was on Wednesday when I came home after a terrible car accident that I nearly died in. I am sorry again, to the moderators if I came of as a little bitchy I did not mean to. As for this poem, I am going to move it to the poetry forum. Thank you for everyone who helped with the poem and I am sorry for being so much trouble.

~I told you. You don't love somebody because of their looks or their cloths or thier car. You love them because they sing a song that nobody but you can undrestand. ~L.J. Smith
~Ralph Waldo Emerson said, 'Finish every day and be done with it'

http://www.beastieboys.com/

Knowing the rules takes a minute- read the Constitution of Quoteland posted at top of every forum except Poetry, Prose and Workshop forums; and read the rules on top of any forum before posting in that forum . It's alright, glad your life is saved, you're not a trouble .


~Not writing for friendship, not reading by the name;
I now play in the Writers' Clubs, impartially for the writing game..~
-me, Letswriteandshare. For more information on this signature click on the link to my poem (need not reply, just read) that I provide ahead: Bias.