This was fun. When I read it, it was stilted and sharp, with the phrases coming together in my head only after most of it was read. Normally, I'd suggest a revamp because flow is always so nice to have-- but I really like this as is. It may not "flow", but it has it's own rhythm, which I appreciate.
Some notes, though-- without is one word, and determine has an "e" at the end.
For the title-- have you considered making "shard" plural? I think "Shard of Glass" reminds me of something that used to be part of something, or something that cuts to the quick. Whereas, I think "Shards of Glass" brings an image of a bunch of cut fragments of clarity... better suited, but that could just be my rampant imagination. (Back for an edit, I just noticed that the title IS Shards of Glass in the subject. I just read the one in the actual message and got confuzzled. )
Hi requote absolutely amazing poem, I would just request if you could change the heading to the "The Intellect" or "Question of the Intellect:Who! or "Who: Question of the Intellect" It feels more appropriate...
Unless you will be adding Shards of Glass reflecting the intellects intellect in varied hues and dimensions, where the "Who" is filled not with answers but more mystique and the Question grows even bigger...
quote:Originally posted by requote: _Shard of Glass_ (Draft . . . punctuation ?)
Who but; An intellect would: Ask a question? With out reason? (That said only) Intellectuals ask not; Questions without reason; To determin not!! But who:
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The title ‘Shards of Glass’ is technically correct. However: I have altered, changed or corrected the last three lines: based on the premise that individuals can be divided into two separate categories or groups.
Shard of Glass (Draft 2. . . punctuation to be questioned)
Who but; An intellect would: Ask a question? With out reason? (That said only) Intellectuals ask not; Questions without purpose; Too determine what!! Not Who:
Grasp the subject and the words will follow. ~ Cato the Elder (or censor) 234-149bc Roman. Statemans, orator and writer.
I have seen this draft float about for a bit now and think I will finally weigh in on your most recent draft.
Below any changes I make will be bolded except for punctuation I remove:
Who, but an intellect would ask a question? With out reason? (That said only) Intellectuals ask questions seeking purpose; to determine what! Not Who.
Lines 4 and 5 of this revision (that stand as they were in the original) are still slightly awkward. I think the punctuation you were employing was hindering the reading of this piece. Italicizing "what" adds emphasis to that word and fits what I interpreted to be your meaning better in my opinion.
I also like a solid period at the end of the piece, and feel your original last line is a fitting ending since it rests as the opposite of your start. I will wait to see what you say before I suggest anything further.
My error; I should after editing the last three lines (parts) of the poem have moved it to Poetry and Prose.
My employment of the colon and semi colon is not novel!!! How I employ the exclamation mark is (so far as I am aware) novel.
I wish our clever young poets would remember my homely definitions of prose and poetry; that is, prose = words in their best order; poetry = the best words in the best order. ~ Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Relationships: Start & Begin (subtle) Interpretation and Assumption (par for the course) Logos & Reason (complex) Within the limits of logic: The words Right & Wrong operate (grammar). To reason; Correct or In-Correct (syntax). ~ Requote Favorite Quotations; My Creed 080309