Fair,
Interesting premise for a poem. The entire poem is written as a metaphor containing other metaphors.
I grew in a garden of music--
a bright, noisy start
to a colorful life
of adventure and art.
The introduction of rhyme in the first stanza sort of threw me off. I just didn't expect it I guess and it works fine throughout the rest of the poem. What if you made a subtle change for flow:
I grew in a garden of music--
a bright
and noisy start
to a colorful life
of adventure and art.
I think removing that first pause make the rhyme scheme less jarring than it first seemed.
Personality's were colors,
as varied as flowers.
Household items made songs
that for lasted hours.
Should "personality's" be "ies" or "tys'" ? Other than that this stanza is what made the poem take off for me in my first read. Well thought out.
Emotions were tangible,
flitting like fairies
;I lived off sound waves
and not bread, fruit, or dairies.
Just two minor punctuation changes and the addition of "and" and I feel this stanza is particularly strengthened.
But as I got older,
the bright musics of joy
turned into cacophonies,
and began to annoy.
Removed the word "more" in line three and feel it reads a little better. Also removed the slight pause at the end of line two to help line three read better.
I shut the world out,
or tried to at least.
It was a
diet from sounds--
I ignored the loud feast.
I originally wasn't going to suggest anything here. I think either your original line or my tweak both work equally well. Its your call.
Then one day, I met a boy.
Or, maybe, I met a man.
The world came back to focus.
(So much for
my plan.)
I think "my" makes the last line more personal and the cut in line three makes the whole stanza read better. I really liked the question and conflict the narrator holds in the first two lines. Easy to jump to the conclusion that that boy(man) she met is childish but unsure enough to hold an open question about it. Both lines were written perfect for the stanza and the context of your poem.
He just simply stood there.
Silent and guarded.
My attention was fix
ed,
all others discarded.
I know the original intent of the "our" was to insinuate that both of you were locked into a focused stare with one another but one of the prominent side thoughts that occurred was that the narrator spontaneously became schizophrenic. Since the rest of the poem is told from only the perspective of the narrator, I think "my" is more apt. It also leads more into the following stanza in that the man(boy) is responding to the attention that the narrator is giving him.
He smiled at me,
and my heart was
in riot,
But the world was
quite peaceful
and finally quiet.
In the second line, "a riot" or "in riot" I think would be equally fine. Maybe you could even use something like "and my heart grew to riot," which I think is a unique and arresting image in-and-of itself. It directs the reader to think of the heart fluttering or beating rapidly against the chest, a heightening of emotion etc. That could also be because I am making up the meaning to my own suggestion (
) but thats how I would read a line like that.
Other changes I suggest would be to insert "seemed quite" and remove the comma off the end of line three. The way the stanza reads in this regard is tremendous:
He smiled at me,
and my heart grew to riot,
But the world
seemed quite peaceful
and finally quiet.
Lyrical and great tempo throughout these four lines now. This is my vote for this stanza.
When I spoke to him,
I heard my true sound--
the voice of myself--
not stifled
nor bound.
This stanza could easily stand alone with the minor change of "not" to "nor" in the last line. I'm going to play with it slightly though and see what you like best overall.
1.
When I spoke to him
I heard
a new sound--
the voice of myself--
not stifled
nor bound.
or
2.
When I spoke to him
I heard
a new sound--
a voice of
my own--
not stifled
nor bound.
or
3.
When I spoke to him
I heard my true sound--
a voice of
my own--
not stifled
nor bound.
I think you might find a wording you like (and that may also be your original). My vote at this point in time rests with number 2. Let me know what you think.
"I hear music", he said,
laughing like a kid.
"I do, too", I said...
and in a way, I did.
The last stanza reveals something that a reader might generally miss and that the narrator hasn't a clue about since she can't know it outside of herself. One of the meanings I took to heart from your last stanza is that the man that narrator has met hears the music in her, the same music she used to know in childhood. Its almost ironic that the metaphor of the music might equally serve as her personality or rose-tinted-glasses view of the world. In time, it appears that she lost some of that optimism from her own perspective but others find her to be as lyrical and musical as when she was younger. I think the narrator is skeptical at the end of the poem because she doesn't really believe the man she has grown fond of over x length of time, but rather wants to believe him and tries to convince herself of what she feels she has lost.
I know thats a lot to infer from the last stanza and in context from the rest of the poem, but I can easily see that as a plausible and intended meaning.
The only change I would consider making would be to change the third line to [I said "I do too..."]. It drops off that pause between the words and the narration in the same line and makes the last two lines flow better together. Its your call as either way is effective. I think the best way to go would be whatever way you feel keeps the inherent skepticism that I noted earlier. That is a vital part of the stanza for me and I think other readers as well.
Overall you did a good job with the poem and I enjoyed the read. Thank you for sharing.
-Aeras
