I thought I would give it another shot. I know there are mistakes but I enjoyed writing it in about an hour and a half. It is only my second attempt. Thanks for your kind help.

There are times
Between sleepiness and nine,
Where I occasionally find,
My mind in a bind.

When the pain comes it will last.
Far too long and too steadfast;
That I wish that time would progress fast,
As my mind weighs the past
And my worries appear so vast

I cannot begin to explain
The source of my ruthless bane,
And like a steady rain
It brings torrents of pain,
Repeating itself again and again.

It finally will end,
When at last I descend,
Into my sleep and to my friend;
To dreams and to mend,
And not to care what may portend.

In the morning when I wake,
I welcome the daybreak;
The night’s ills seem only a mistake
And the feeling of dread only fake
And I am off to conquer the day with my oatcake,

And a whisper of a retake.

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"In all of our hearts lies a longing for a Sacred Romance. It will not go away in spite of our efforts over the years to anesthetize or ignore its song, or attach it to a single person or endeavor." Brent Curtis

Eagle,

I'll give this an unqualified shot. Due to time constraints, I am going to plaigarize some previous posts of my own to give a background on things you could (not necessarily "should"--that word belongs to those of better judgment than myself) do to change this up a bit.

May it help, if only in inspiring you to give this another look again of your own.

Jeremiah


Two Key Considerations:

(i) Punctuation - While formal rules can safely be thrown to the four winds when it comes to poetry, it can be well used to pace the work. A well-placed comma can create an extra pause, which is useful for flow and cadence. Full-stops (or periods) and exclamation marks (used sparingly) can be used for emphasis.

(ii) Word Choice - Sometimes, less is more. Get rid of unnecessary articles and other dispensable parts. Othertimes, more is best. Feel free to add redundancy to create emphasis. Strike out or modify anything that interrupts a feeling of pace and meter.


An example of application:

There are times, sometimes
Between sleepiness and nine,
Awake, aware, I find
My mind in a bind.

The pain comes! It will last
Far too long, too steadfast.
I wish time to progress, go fast;
My mind weighs heavy the past,
And worries appear--so quick, so vast.

More than begin, I cannot explain
The source of this, my ruthless bane--
It, like a soft and steady rain,
Brings torrents! guilt then pain
Repeating themselves again, again!

If finally will end.
At last I will descend
Into my sleep, my friend;
Into dreams to mend,
Not to care what may portend.

In the morning, when I wake,
I welcome dawn, sweet daybreak.
The night's ill seem slight mistake
Feelings of dread but pretenders. Fake!
And I am off to conquer the day

With freshened steps and my oatcake.
(And whispers of a retake).

Oh, almost forgot to mention something: I bloody-well loved your poem. Smashing stuff!

Thank you. Wow, your version is much better. I will try to learn. Thanks again.

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"In all of our hearts lies a longing for a Sacred Romance. It will not go away in spite of our efforts over the years to anesthetize or ignore its song, or attach it to a single person or endeavor." Brent Curtis

Eagle,

No worries, mate. Glad if I was of service.

The only important thing to take away is that improvement in writing comes from four things alone: thievery, agressive observation, pain-staking practice and the right balance of each.

For much better criticism, feedback and advice than my own, just look to Pope, Milton, Poe, Tennyson, Whitman et al.

Jeremiah

What do you mean by "thievery?"

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"In all of our hearts lies a longing for a Sacred Romance. It will not go away in spite of our efforts over the years to anesthetize or ignore its song, or attach it to a single person or endeavor." Brent Curtis

Eagle,

Actually glad you asked for clarification. I was not, of course, referring to plaigarism; a more accurate analogy would be the advice given to the young chap in the film 'Finding Forrester': find a writer whose work excites you, and then copy it. Rewrite it again and again until your own works are imbued with the same spirit. You take what is best of their style and incorporate it into your own.

Hope that makes more sense.

Jeremiah

Thanks again. And thanks for your kind note in the Poetry section.

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"In all of our hearts lies a longing for a Sacred Romance. It will not go away in spite of our efforts over the years to anesthetize or ignore its song, or attach it to a single person or endeavor." Brent Curtis