Grandpa,

I didn’t even cry when you died.
I was away at college
when I got the call.
And I figured you were not suffering
anymore.

I didn’t even cry at your funeral.
I was sad when I saw your face
caked in that clumpy make up.
Your pink painted lips were sewn
shut.

I didn’t even cry when you made me laugh.
Singing silly songs and commenting--
When "a coke cost a nickel"--
When you and Grandma fell in
love.

I didn’t every cry when you punished me;
But, I know how much you loved me; and,
How proud you would be of me today.
I write these words silently and
cry.

http://www.angelfire.com/pa5/amybills

"Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo." Don Marquis

G'day Darwin,

You have a very beautiful poem here. I am just going to go ahead and give suggestions but the central theme touches me very much. I just lost my grandmum 6 months back. I can relate totally to what you've written. It feels like I have written this poem myself.
When my 'baa' (grandmum in my native language as I used to call her) passed away I was at college, my parents never actually informed me about it because I was very close to her and they figured it would harm my study and more importantly my life. When I got back home in December I finally was informed. I was heartbroken, but I never actually reacted to it. I still cannot figure out what you're supposed to do after such a thing happens. I am still waiting for answers.

My suggestions to your work (they're 'light' suggestions and you may discard what you don't like)


Grandpa,

I didn’t even cry when you died.
I was away at college
when I got the call.
And I figured you were not suffering
anymore.


Something which sounds better to me:

I didn't even cry
When you closed your eyes
I was away
When I got the call
And I figured
you weren't suffering anymore.

(I have changed it a lot, sorry. Its okay if you want to discard it)


"I didn’t even cry at your funeral.
I was sad when I saw your face
caked in that clumpy make up.
Your pink painted lips were sewn
shut."

My suggestion:

I didn't even cry at your funeral
The look of your face bereaved me
Caked in that clumpy make-up
You pink painted lips were sewn.
Shut.


"I didn’t even cry when you made me laugh.
Singing silly songs and commenting--
When "a coke cost a nickel"--
When you and Grandma fell in
love."

I didn’t every cry when you punished me;
But, I know how much you loved me; and,
How proud you would be of me today.
I write these words silently and
cry.


This was perfect to me. I wish I could comfort you, but all I have is words. Sorry for your loss


edit: my bad, I meant to have an 'at' in there. I got the 'to' by mistake


----------------------------------------------
After all is said and done,
One and one still is one,
When we cry, when we laugh,
I am half, you are half..
"One and One, by Robert Miles
----------------------------------------------


[This message was edited on 02-21-04 at 03:29 AM.]

Darwin,
I’d write more comments when this is posted in Poetry forum. Right now, basically just the suggestions. I think D_w provided some fine suggestions and you should consider them and choose to incorporate some/all/none of them as per your choice, I especially like the effect in these lines-
You pink painted lips were sewn.
Shut.
though I don’t really get, and am a bit confused by, why the "at" was changed by D_w to “to” here:
I didn't even cry to your funeral

Anyway, I just have some minor suggestions to offer, like-
in the second line of the poem –
I didn’t even cry when you died.
-I suggest you remove the “even”. This is the first (instance) you describe, and might do without “even”, “even” does well in the following stanzas though. Of course, take it or leave it, that’s just my thought and it's your poem .

Other than that,
I didn’t every cry when you punished me;
But, I know how much you loved me; and,
-maybe “Because” or "As" suit what you want to convey (I think), better than “But”?

I didn’t every cry when you punished me;
-I think the “every” came out here by mistake, it might be “even”?

Other than that, fine attempt. As I wrote, more comments later in the Poetry forum. If this is autobiographical - my wishes, and a hug. And D_w - my wishes, and a hug to you, too.

Good luck with the poem!

The stars shine down And watch us live Our little lives and weep for us. ~by Monet Nodlehs

What a beautiful tribute. I can't say as I have much to add but I would like to thank you for putting into words something that is so hard for many of us. On April 28th I will have been without my Grandfather for 1 year. I can't say I didn't cry.

~Katherine~
"We are the people our parents warned us about..."~Jimmy Buffet