*I haven't posted in...forever...don't get frustrated if it seems like I am ignoring you...I often come and look in without logging in...things just aren't really great right now outside the wonderful world of QL and I don't write much...as you'll be able to tell, I'm much out of practice.*
I envy those people who can stand up, turn around, and walk away - leaving behind all the chances to say words that don't mean much while i cling to even the spaces between empty words and chances untaken in hopes that you really feel me when our hands meet, touching each other, but separated by glass.
Hours after even i leave (because everyone has to), i still think of you and i wonder if you ever stop looking forward just long enough to look back.
_________________________________________________ I found your picture today I swear I'll change my ways I just called to say I want you to come back home I just called to say, I love you come back home (Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock)
Stella Splendens December 22, 1985-March 27, 2003 Rest in peace, mi hermanita
great to see you posting, I don't have any time right now, but I'll read this later tonight or tomorrow afternoon at the lastest-others may be able to help better though.
Edit, I see areas has replied well; I have no other suggestions.
"I'm telling you. People come and go in this Forest, and they say, 'It's only Eeyore, so it doesn't count.' They walk to and fro saying, 'Ha ha!' But do they know anything about A? They don't. It's just three sticks to them. But to the Educated - mark this, little Piglet- to the Educated, not meaning Poohs and Piglets, it's a great and glorious A." --Eeyore, The House at Pooh Corner
[This message was edited by EeyoreLynn on 10-25-06 at 10:26 PM.]
Hellsangel, I won't lie. I now partially despise you (in a good way, ha). I have largely avoided the online writing communities which I participated on for several reasons of my own. I was/ am maintaining several private topics here still and thats the reason this piece caught my eye.
I saw your name, read it, and now have to reply because I no almost no one else will (Airedale would if she saw it, there are a few others).
In short, it was a very very good piece.
Changes I suggest will be bolded (and its good to see your name again, even if I plan to return to my writing site seclusion soon, it was worth it to read this piece):
I envy those people who can stand up, turn around, and walk away - leaving behind all the chances to say words that don't mean much while i cling to [S]even[/S] the spaces between empty words and chances untaken; in hopes that you really feel me when our hands meet, touching each other, pressed firmly on the glass between us.
(that last revision doesn't need to happen the way I reworded it, but I did not like the word but. If you decide to scrap my suggestion, I suggest getting rid of the "but" you had there before and replacing it with something else)
Even hours after i leave (because everyone has to), (moved even to the beginning of the line so that it makes more sense) i still think of you and i wonder if you ever stop looking forward just long enough to look back.
I think overall you did a masterful job with the imagery. I took from it a person in prison you are visiting; if that is not the right interpretation I would love to know yours. You crafted it just right and the general flow worked very well. As for a title, the first and only thing that came to mind was/is:
Just Long Enough
It seems to fit well. Also, the only other suggestion I have is to capitalize your "I"'s. I did gain the impression that you intentionally did not, but I could be wrong. Let me know. I look foreward to seeing what I anticipate as the short evolution of this piece (because there was very little that really seemed to require attention. Good job).
I'm sorry I made you come out of seclusion, but I'm pleased that you did...I sort of did intentionally not capitalize the "i" but if it's not working...well, it can be revised, and I like your suggestions with the "but" and the beginning of the last stanza...i'll have to reprint and see what i can do...I'd do it now...but a las...too much assigned work.
Thanks, I'll be back when I have more time.
Hellsangel
_________________________________________________ I found your picture today I swear I'll change my ways I just called to say I want you to come back home I just called to say, I love you come back home (Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock)
Stella Splendens December 22, 1985-March 27, 2003 Rest in peace, mi hermanita
Hehe, you know always take my advice with a grain of salt. Aeras posted some ideas, and I've been pondering, and here are mine. It's not a lot of changes in words, just in placement. But that might be more with the way that i read stuff outloud in my head.
-harv
I envy those people who can stand up, turn around, and walk away - leaving behind all the chances to say wordsthat don't mean much while i cling to the [maybe insert a word here to balance it out, like forgottten or frozen or something to do with glass like opaque or something] spaces between empty words and chances untaken in hopes that you really feel me when our hands meet, touching through the glass.
Hours after even i leave (because everyone has to), i still think of you and i wonder if you ever stop looking forward just long enough to look back.
I left the even where it was because it's like EVEN i have to leave, and makes sense to me :P. Also, it's up to you- but I might make it all one stanza. Two seems kinda like there's something missing from the second one. Title suggestions, touching glass, window gazing, or if it's about something specific, maybe calling it by that name for example- if it's about visiting your cousin in jail, calling it- visiting YYY in jail, or something like that. Hope this helps, I didn't change a whole lot, or suggest a whole lot.
edit: oh maybe something like, life with a plateglass middle through it!
-Harv Stella Splendens December 22, 1985-March 27, 2003
Posts: 4454 | Location: Earth, Milky Way | Registered: 11-29-01
I haven't been here in ages, but I feel the need to reply to this poem, because it touched me in a way that I don't allow myself to be touched very often. And the cause of that is, well I suppose I'm one of those people who can stand up and walk away and refuse to look back, or refuse to be seen looking back.
"i still think of you and i wonder if you ever stop looking forward just long enough to look back."
And those of us like that--we do look back and look back quite often in the fall, on a cold day, when the breeze is blowing, but you'll never catch us doing so.
This is very vivid, you convey a lot of meaning and deep thought in a very few words.
Only a couple of minor suggestions: I don't really get why the I's wouldn't be capitalised so maybe think about that. And I would remove the 'but' from the last line of the first stanza, it just seems a little out of place to me and I think maybe the effect would be stronger without it.
It's been a very long time up til now since I last wrote anything also so I have some idea how hard it can be, but you certainly haven't lost your touch!
