Worms dwell in my mind making tunnels floundering, throbbing, and crawling like my thoughts sneaking like a snake through the weakness of reality. My mind is a place where maggots form on the sides of trash cans that haven't been taken out in years. They rot over my face and my eyes obscuring my once luminous view. But now my visions are dim. Nothing in this universe makes sense, it all catches up. Tracking your every move. Waiting until you are most vulnerable. Then they invade every crack, every hole, every open door till you are locked in the chaos of your mind.
But not you, you do not know what it is like to have maggots in your mind nor what a hellish burn feels like . The heat forming bubbles of perspiration all over your body. Your hands unconsciously laying dead at your side. Too doped up to realize the agony you have caused yourself and others. All because of you wanted those pills. The ecstasy of it to escape this world. The pills breached time and time again. Dysfunctional illusions were born. It was all you could see. The fogged outlet into the world, that square box you sat in for months; just to seclude reality out. Did it help? No, it just caught up to you again. The maggots formed on the ridge of your skull. They took over once more to feel the ecstasy of life in a hidden place dwelling once more. But wait, this was me all along, not you.
"Because I could not stop for Death -- He kindly stopped for me -- The carriage held but just ourselves And immortality." -Emily Dickinson, Because I Could Not Stop For Death
Dwelling upon this post I am firstly left with the problem of what exactly it is that irks me? I mean, after all I am quite taken with it, inasmuch as I have, after reading the first ten on offer, decided that this is the one I like best! It graphically rises one's bile, it vividly embraces one to share in the loneliness of an addict, the escape, the inability to cope with reality. Oh, I like it!
But the punctiation is erratic ( let us insert somewhat: "Worms dwell in my mind, making tunnels, floundering.....). And, continuing with the same sentence, we chop and change a bit....."floundering, throbbing, slithering amongst my thoughts to expose the weaknesses of reality." There we are: the exact same thing, edited into something more cohesive. Or, what about: "Worms tunnel through my mind, slithering amongst my thoughts to expose the weaknesses of reality." The possibilities are legio, but ultimately it is for Tina herself to decide, as I believe that a writer first of all writes for her/himself.
Thus it appears to be (I suspect) that this writ was penned without being conceived, and allowed to wander unattended on the forum. What a pity, for imagine the brash sophistication some conscientious editing would have left us with! A masterpiece of despair...if only... Still, what we have, despite being erratic, is verily appreciated. And I have a sneaky suspicion that the writer expects nothing less than honesty,
Yes, this piece deserves so much more than " Wow, well done, I liked it! Especially the line: da da da da. Hope to read many more!" "Bigbrother." It was worth every minute of the hour and a half that I have lingered over it.
Come on then Tina, live up to your ability! You know you can...
This peice was torn to shreds by my fiction workshop class. "too wordy" for them. I am glad you liked the content regardless of that. The punctuation is the main problem for me. If i should fix that perhaps some more people will appreciate it.
You should read my other pieces if you want somethign different. I cannot believe you spent a an hour and half pondering over this piece, as it is nothing like a masterpiece. There is no such thing as one, unless the author feels that every word, every punctuation used is placed precisly where it should.
My problem with writing is not taking the time to really sit and examine the piece for every flaw and change it.
"Because I could not stop for Death -- He kindly stopped for me -- The carriage held but just ourselves And immortality." -Emily Dickinson, Because I Could Not Stop For Death
Tina, in all honesty I beg to emphatically differ from your fellow students. Why, one can even make out a valid case for increasing the quantity! The problem appears to be the CONSTRUCTION! Do attempt an edit along the lines that I have proposed, and ONLY after that you will be able to judge the merits of each word.
Look at my "Noble Tom Murphy" posting, the last paragraph of the second to last posting. I took that one paragraph, and expanded it into a posting on its own. I have listened to advise received via e-mail!
Whilst true that your Maggots is not a masterpiece yet, it does have that possibility, provided you are willing to apply your good mind. Remember that the writing as such, as far as I am regarded, constitutes the lesser effort. Look at "Lord of the Flies" (William Golding): nobody wanted to publish the damn thing! And the book as we know it today, is much thinner than the "original," I believe.
Hopefully we will see an edited version soon? (My only expertise lies in the field of reading at least 4 books a week, thus it is possible that my offering is not all it is made out to be?!)
