The flower you gave me, wilted with time
It’s red petals now crisp and dry
Just one touch, to its fragile design
Every piece would shatter and fly

Just the brittle remnants of beauty captured
In the form of a single red rose
A love once had, A love now lost
Symbolizing the wrong path I chose

Tearstained and forgotten this withered memory
Sits idle to remind me of how
I lost the one thing I needed so much
I can’t have it back, not now
--------------------------------------
Ok....I really need some help on this peice. Especialy the last line (in itlaics). This all seems to flow well to me, hope it does to you all as well. If not, please feel free to sugest anything at all! I'd really apreciate it guys!

Pain, pain go away
Let me smile for just one day
And if that day I never see
Let my blood run cold and free

~*¤Lauren¤*~

Just a few suggestions, I like the last line as is, I wouldn't change that.

In the second line, It's should be its.

Also, the word crisp in the same line sounds too refreshing and new and I think you are trying to describe the rose petals as more withered and dead, I would suggest changing crisp to withered or hardened. You use the word withered in the last stanza, so I would change that to maybe "fading memory", and I don't know if the word forgotten works, since the memory is there sitting idle as a reminder.

I would also remove the word just in the second stanza and leave it as " The brittle remnants of beauty captured", since you used "just" in the first stanza.

I would also add some punctuation at the end of your lines to help with the flow.

I hope these suggestions have helped some.

I like the idea of the comparison of the withered rose to the loss of your love. Nicely done.

PJ

<IMG SRC="http://www.treehug.com/images/e_stars.gif"ALIGN=MIDDLE> <font face="Lucida Sans"color="#0099CC">I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing than to teach ten thousand stars how not to dance - e e cummings

For me, the word "crisp" read precisely how you intended it; however, SB does make a valid point, and many readers may see it in the same manner as did she. So, a few more suggestions for other words that you may prefer:

cracked
starched
fragile

Just in case neither of SB's words "worked" for you. Unfortunately, my thesaurus yielded no usable results, so this is just what came up off the top of my head. Of all the suggested ones so far, I like "starched" the best, and then "hardened."

Overall - I enjoyed this piece. Your metaphor serves you well, and is well communicated. I had trouble trying to figure out your intended rhythm for a while, though, and actually spent about 7 minutes writing here what was wrong with it, when I realized - the second and fourth lines only have three stresses apiece, and I for some reason was trying to cram four in there (which, naturally caused problems with the flow). Maybe that's what I get for critiquing poetry at 7am on no sleep.

Concerning the last line - I understand your concern, but I wouldn't stress over it. Like SB says, I like it how it is, but I can also see how it could be better. In any case, it does not stand out as weak.

I think that after you think over the suggestions made by Song_bird, and maybe mull over the last line for a few minutes, this is ready for the poetry forum. Well done.

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..." - Jack Kerouac, On the Road

The flower you gave me, wilted with time
Its red petals arenow crisp and dry
Just one touch, to its fragile design
Every piece willshatter and fly

Just the brittle remnants of beauty captured
In the form of a single red rose
A love once had, A love now lost
Symbolizing the wrong path I chose (took)

Tearstained and forgotten, this withered memory
Sits idle to remind me of how
I lost the one thing I needed so much
I can’t have it back, not now


I made a couple of suggestions based on what I thought would make it flow better. they are in bold. I hope you don't mind and I hope it helps you.

~I told you. You don't love somebody because of their looks or their cloths or thier car. You love them because they sing a song that nobody but you can undrestand. ~L.J. Smith
~Ralph Waldo Emerson said, 'Finish every day and be done with it'

http://www.beastieboys.com/

Nicely done....just a few minor adjustments and it's polished and ready to go to Poetry!

I see why SongBird would like "just" removed from the second stanza as you have used it in the first. Maybe instead of eliminating it altogether, you could use ONLY instead. It retains the same meaning. Either way, eliminating it altogether or switching to ONLY should work well.

Just the brittle remnants of beauty captured

Only the brittle remnants of beauty captured

The brittle remnants of beauty captured

As Song Bird and ForEverMona said it's red petals should be ITS....however I think the word WOULD shatter is the correct form...I wouldn't change it to will.

Also I'd leave CHOSE in this line because TOOK does not rhyme:

Symbolizing the wrong path I chose (took)

Now you're probably totally confused with all the suggestions!

Just re-read the suggestions and try each change till it suits you. Good luck! I'll be looking in poetry shortly for this piece. The metaphor worked nicely...dying love/dying rose.

"As you fluttered in my future,
fled throughout my lifelong past
I expected every spring to bring you
to my arms, to my side." from "I always knew" by Rod McKuen