Anything is possible in America, or so they say, and it all began when they abducted Jonathan Thurgood’s dog. Luckily the neighbour’s little boy, 5 year old Edison observed in person how the dastardly perpetrators carried out their nefarious deed, and thus could describe in detail how many of them partook, exactly what they looked like, and what mode of transport they have utilized as a get-away vehicle.
Thus it came about that the frantic Jonathan, with an overly excited little Edison in tow (still dressed in his ET costume) rushed off to the local cop shop, there in Redwood City, south of San Francisco to do what any law abiding citizen of the good old US of A should do: report a crime; and to expect what any law-abiding, tax paying citizen does: that the officers of the law should investigate and pronto, while the “trail” is still “hot.”
The fat white sheriff was contentedly nodding off when little Eddie woke him with a cry of “I saw them!” But of course the fat white sheriff has heard it all before, or so he thought, for he blinked, then silenced them with a wave of his podgy hands. Next he turned around, took an ice cold coke out of the dented fridge, popped the can, poured the contents down his throat, then bade them to continue. With his eyes closed he listened.
The grist of it all was that when Jonathan Thurgood arrived at his home, barely an hour ago, his mangy old dog, euphemistically nomed Admiral, was nowhere to be seen. His yard is properly fenced, and the gate was locked, so there was no way Admiral could have maybe wandered off to sojourn on the seven seas. Little Eddie then ran over and related how he saw a flying saucer land on Mr Jonathan’s roof, a hatch opening, two tall, green creatures with humonguous black eyes emerge, stare at Admiral, and how Admiral then jumped onto the roof, and disappeared into the tummy (little Edison’s exact words) of the flying saucer. The two aliens (once more according to young Edison) then got into the saucer and flew off to Mars. He knew they were from Mars because the word Mars was written in huge red letters on the side of the saucer, and they were munching Mars bars at the time.
The fat white sergeant opened his eyes, belched contentedly, and replied: “Mr Thurgood I appreciate your problem, and young Edison, what an observant young man you are! Now here is what I am going to do: You two go home, while I get onto the phone to Cape Canaveral. I know for a fact that within the next week they are going to launch a sputnik or something of the sort to Mars, and will I officially request that they keep an eye open for the Admiral. Oh, and don’t call me, I will call you, as soon as there is any news.”
Mollified, young Edison and Jonathan Thurgood steps into the sun, united in their belief that the law of Redwood City was, as usual, on top of it all. While, seated in his chair, the fat white sheriff’s eyes were already closed, a hardly audible snore emanating from between his blubbery, pink lips…
As time went by, without so much as a squawk from the sheriff’s office Jonathan Thurgood began to detest his own preferences regarding music. And although being a loyal fan of the then pop group called Herman’s Hermits, and in particular their “My sentimental friend,” he began to get riled every time he heard their “Years may come, years may go” which went like this: “…years may come, years may go, some go fast, some go slow, some are good, some are bad: for each one, just be glad….” For life without his Admiral most decidedly was no good at all, and to be glad about it was a bit far fetched.
In the beginning the pastor still came around, and even prayed for Admiral’s safe return, citing the instance of Laika, the first dog in outer space, saying that there really is no need for brother Jonathan to be so spaced out about it all. Why, he even brought brother Jonathan a replacement, and promptly christened the animal General. But it only made brother Jonathan sadder, for the General was no Admiral: in fact, it resembled a Pentagon general to a tee: barking a lot and not doing much. However, pastor Bull, ever the optimist pointed out to brother Jonathan that he must look on the bright side: at the least his General was so lazy that not even the aliens will manage to make him jump on to the roof, and into the tummy of the flying saucer!
Still, brother Jonathan was inconsolable, and throughout the years he and his young friend, little Edison, who was not so little anymore, spent their time discussing the incident. The internet became common place, and they read there that abductions by aliens were a fairly common instance. They also read that apparently these aliens used mind control to lure their victims into the space ships.
Suddenly a bell started to toll in brother Jonathan’s head, for he now realized how the aliens have managed to get the loyal Admiral to jump into the space ship of it’s own violition! Doggone, they have taken over the poor critter’s mind! And from that moment on brother Jonathan, together with his friend from next door realized that their reason d’etre was to save the minds of every living creature on earth! But, how to do it?
They contemplated profoundly, and concluded that as long as the aliens cannot intrude upon your mind with their thought processes, one should be perfectly safe, and never need to fear of ever being whisked off to some strange planet… The only question to remain was: how? How would one go about protecting an earthly bound creature’s thought processes from the hostile aliens? And quickly, for if the internet is to be believed there would be-no one left in the whole of the USA within 20 years! Truth be told: the abduction of Admiral might well be an indication of exactly how desperate the aliens are to whisk off every living organism to Mars, or wherever they are from!
But, cometh the hour, cometh the man, and when pastor Bull himself disappeared without a trace (some gossip mongers said together with most of the church funds) Jonathan Thurgood and the by now grown-up Edison decided to treble their efforts; to pursue a solution full-time. Undaunted by the odds they valiantly battled forth, and finally, after approximately 8 months, on the 2nd day of April, 1988, they tasted success: for on that day they somberly announced to the city of Redwood, and all of America that they need to fear no more.
For on that day they presented to the world, the first ever Thurgood helmet, or as later imitations became known: THOUGHT SCREEN helmets. This helmet, so they claimed, will prevent aliens from accessing, and controlling the wearer’s mind. Of course, in the beginning people were skeptical, but when, after two years not a single wearer of the Thurgood helmet were abducted by aliens, laudations like: "Since wearing a Thurgood helmet, I have never been bothered by alien mind control again!” and “Since then my thoughts are my own, and I am leading a meaningful life and am once more contributing to society” poured in from far and wide.
Of course, having had a previous experience with aliens, and knowing how devious they are, Jonathan and young Edison decided to wipe all traces regarding their invention from the internet, and sales were by word of mouth only.
Still, the skeptics amongst us remain, and I often wonder about some of the members; when one peruse their attitudes, when one peruse their writs: is it possible that their minds are not their own? Especially when one look at how they treat those they profess to hold in awe: is it maybe possible that their thought processes are controlled by hostile aliens? And might one perhaps, in the interest of rationality, in the interest of love, in the interest of Quoteland, in the interest of common decency, not kindly request that they perhaps wear a Thurgood helmet on a permanent basis?
