A path lies before me.
The only thing I know for certain,
it is not the path of least resistance.

Yet, and still, I will venture forth on this journey...
as surely as the sun rises and sets;
for in the far-off distance,
just barely visible on the horizon,
a soft glow beckons.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey LB,

Very gentle feeling poem with a nice premise. I think a little bit more subtlety would work better in a few parts and if you don't mind I will go through a few suggestions below.

Overall enjoyable read and one that stands just on the wisps of reader's own journeys and life. This is something most people can relate to and you portrayed that well.


As usual, suggestions that differ from your poem will be bolded.

A path lies before me.
The only thing I know for certain,
it is not the path of least resistance.

is there are others of easier stride

there are others of lesser resistance

it is a path of ascending resistance (graded resistance, sloped resistance, angled effort, etc.).

is few steps have graced its course (graced its face, graced its way, etc.)

(As I think it will be clear, these are all suggestions for the last line. I think the last line is obviously, well, obvious. By alluding to the other paths or the lesser traffic upon it, I think it might emphasize the difficulty ahead in a greater fashion).


Yet, and still, I will venture forth on this journey...
as surely as the sun rises and sets;

What about for line two:

as surely as the sun carries is burdens

as surely as the sun labors to reveal the day(or dawn, or renew the day)



for in the far-off distance,
just barely visible on the horizon,
a soft glow beckons.

What about for line three:

as hope mists upon the horizon

within a hazed impression on the horizon

This is what it looks like all together with my preferred suggestions:

The Path

A path lies before me.
The only thing I know for certain,
is few steps have graced its course.

Yet, and still, I will venture forth on this journey...
as surely as the sun labors to renew the day;
for in the far-off distance,
as hope mists upon the horizon,
a soft glow beckons.

Overall thank you for sharing, it was enjoyable and I certainly hope you will consider my suggestions even if you don't adopt them. Have a great day LB, I enjoyed this (it meshed well with the recent relief of stress I had about an hour ago concerning Commencement at my university).

Congratulations on commencement, Aeras! So you, too, will be starting out on a new "path"! Your suggestions are worthy...some are far softer and gentler than mine and I like that. I have just joined a writing group called "Carpe Stylum" (seize the pen) and will present both versions at the next meeting.

Let me just say, this one came from some very strong emotions I will be facing in the future...so I guess I wasn't really paying too much attention to wording. I thank you for your ever constant detailed critiques. ~~lb~~

I try to refrain from making suggestions because we never could duplicate the voice or the inspiration in the writer's mind. Although Aeras suggestions were good they take away from the poem rather than add to it. Now the suggestions make the poem sound more like Aeras and less Lost Butterly. I love Aeras writings so please did not take offense. It is so hard to make suggestions because we are not the inspiration or the voice of the poet. Even when you suggest some technical advice it can take away from the orignal writing. Now with all of that being said the poem worked for me because of not only what is was saying but who was saying it in this case it is Lost Butterfly. Now Aeras suggestion worked well too but that was the voice of Aeras and not Lost Butterfly. Again I hope I am not offending Aeras. Considering the style of the poem and reading Lost Butterfly's works for many years this is her forte and she is right on point. Short, sweet and to the point with a life lesson thrown in the mix. My only suggestion is to keep writing and I will keep learning and reading.

quote:

A path lies before me.
The only thing I know for certain,
it is not the path of least resistance.
this was the perfect set up and the last stanza just hooked you in. there is no suggestion that could be better that what is written


Yet, and still, I will venture forth on this journey... persistance and self knowledge that the journey is going to be difficult

as surely as the sun rises and sets;
for in the far-off distance, the totality of the journey from the first steps to last steps


just barely visible on the horizon,
a soft glow beckons.

there is hope, there is faith.....

Thank you, Rico, for your continued support, friendship and insight. I can see both yours and Aeras's viewpoints. I am currently attending an offline, real life writing group. I am trying to be gracious and openminded when receving critiques. After all, they are ours to choose or accept, in whole or in part. ~~lb~~

Rico,

No offense at all taken. I myself have offered some suggestions to poems where I feel like what I am suggesting changes some ownership of the poem (as in I have edited too much). Sometimes I simply offer an impression of what I thought might be better than actual examples to give the writer their own choice and hopefully inspiration to use their own voice. I have been blasted for critiquing (with members wondering how dare I suggest something different) and praised. I too respect and enjoy your writings and understand your exact sentiments on this issue and will tell you this: the reason I give critiques the way I do is the help I myself have received from them in the past. If an author changes their work based on my suggestions I am always far more pleased if I have inspired something entirely different from what I suggested. I assure you my motives in editing are to give thorough replies and inspire people to sometimes take a second look and say, "wait a minute, what if I did this instead! Oh my!" (and yes this might just be the imagined best case scenario).

Thank you for voicing your honest opinions Rico, its one of the qualities I value about you in a world where too many people are concerned about stepping on one another's toes. I thought I saw a new post from you recently and I might check it out in the coming days (was busy with the previously mentioned commencement until today)- I'll keep in mind your feelings on excessive editing (and I don't think I've really ever had alot of suggestions for your piece for the obvious emotions that would be ruined if I did).

LB,

I also want to thank you for giving any thought at all to my critique. If the situation is very specific and tending to a matter of great emotional trials, I would encourage you to keep the original, as this is the true mark of your feelings at the time. If you wish to accept any of my suggestions you are more than welcome but by and large I encourage you to do what feels right to you and do not compromise what you put into the original piece if it feels that conflict has arisen in yourself.

And yes, a new path does await, so I think we all shall see where our new paths might take us .

I hope you both have wonderful weeks ahead,