I stood there watching
As it all fell down
Stones tumble to the ground
Left looking around
Wondering
What happened
As I'm deafened by the sound
Of the thunderous rubble
Hopes slashed, dreams dashed
Bursting the bubble
Asking myself
Why I went through the trouble
In the first place
What was I thinking?
Building on top
Of what was already sinking
What makes us think
That what we build can last
Don't we ever look back, ever learn from the past
Just like Babel,
Give in to pride and down it'll crash

Laid the foundation brick by brick
Falling apart
Knew in my heart
Doomed from the start
Hear the timebomb tick
Look at it all,
Built it so tall
Watching it fall
Makes me sick
Looking up at the tower
I watch the collapse
Of all my hard work
You would think that perhaps
I would try to save something
That I'd be diving at scraps
Of whatever's left
Before the memories lapse

But instead of rushing forward
I just stand my ground
Cornerstone in my hand
And watch it
All
Fall
Down

OT,

When I started reading this it quickly drew me in and demanded my full attention. I got the impression this could be talking about a relationship but the fact that you left it open leaves it to several interpretations (I like that).

However, the last line of the stanza felt forced to me, very out of rhythm with the rest of the piece. I'll be back with some suggestions tomorrow (had some, but am getting tired and forgot them in a brief moment of distraction )

Overall awesome, thanks for the sharing.

ot, marvelous piece of work.
these lessons in life are painful.
for myself i've been thinking maybe i dont need a tower,,, perahps a ranch or just a home on the water...
dsk

I liked this a lot OT.

Towers fall, dreams fall and a lot of times we can't do anything about it save watch...and probably build another again..soon.


Thanks for sharing.



~NW

NW thank you

DSK a home on the water sounds like heaven. Or maybe just a boat.

Aeras, I agree the last stanza is a little out of place. I kind of reverse-engineered this poem in the sense that I knew how i wanted to end it, with the image that everything had fallen because the key to its foundation had been pulled, by none other than the person watching the collapse. I wrote it before the rest of them poem and didn't polish it before posting. Suggestions are welcome as always

You know i am a fan of your work so i disagree with
Aeras. I read it out loud and it worked well with my
Ear. All the pieces fit together and gave me what i
Expected from you another masterpiece.

Sorry there was a typo in my reply.

I meant to say the last line of the first stanza, not the last line of the poem : ).

However, after reading it a few more times, I can't quite recapture what originally bothered me about that line. I do remember it seemed like the tempo was off but as of now it seems to work.

Once again thanks for sharing.

Love the rhythm, sound and pace of the poem. Like thunderous rubble...bursting bubble. Might shorten third line from the bottom in the first stanza to read Don't we ever learn from the past.
Very nice work.

Very profound and reflective. Makes me wonder if the tower was built on quicksand..end was a little rough. Really like the Babel. Reference.

Torn,

Incredible.

The way you broke down the final three lines was a master-stroke. Between that and the inherent flow, it is obvious that you have a lot of natural gift.

Glad I saw this and was able to reply and bump it before it was condemned to that hellish oblivion that is page two.

Jeremiah

I am a great admirer of your work...This one I get nothing. I think its the tempo....don't know read it several times...Guess you're felling like Humpty Dumpty that sat on a wall! lol (yeah...I just got it!)

Jeremiah - thanks for the bump

QT - the more I read this one in my head and not aloud, I understand better how difficult it can be to follow. That's the flaw in free-verse style poetry, you can never be sure it will sound the same to the reader as it does in your head. It's been suggested to me that I polish this one for that very reason, I'm just not sure how. I tried breaking it down into stanzas but then the flow just gets lost to me. Maybe if you read it aloud line by line (that's what I just did and aurally it worked). And yes, like Humpty Dumpty,if he was undermining the very wall that he was sitting on

Freeverse has a sound and rhythm all to its self. Freeverse has to be read out loud in order for the ear to appreciate the skill of the poet. It is the job of the poet to be happy with what they have written and teach others how to appreciate it.

I completely agree Rico. Although I also think it's the poet's duty to do their best to impart the meaning and feel of the piece in a way that others can understand

OT...I got it...a helpless man watching the ruination of his life piece by piece... brick by brick...once the wall starts to fall you are helpless to try to save it.

Thanks for the understanding and I found the analogy quite profound. Humpty Dumpty has nothing on this poem lol

point taken and expressed well OT....it is always a delight to read your work

QT, that's exactly it

And Rico, I'm still waiting for some new work of yours...

This poem is much like my own endeavor in poetry. Last year I retired from writing poetry. Now when I read the poems posted here I am like someone on the outside looking in rather than someone on the inside looking out. When I read my own poems I am hard pressed to convince myself that I ever had the talent. (Did I write that?) The reason that I retired from writing was because I was no long productive at. On the upshot, I took up singing and now I sing in my spare time when I am at home. I still recite poetry from time to time. Almost everyne that I know who writes poetry has thrown in the towell. Nowdays about the only writing that I do is the words that are written in crossword puzzles.

P.H. Delta was here from 2003 until 2011!

PD...I put down my pen every now and again...then a rhythm or notion or even stirs the embers and I start to write again...I believe that will happen to you. Rico oft times tell me that I have an audience here on QL and so do you.

our presence is missed and when you come back...you will always be welcomed with open arms...Go luck with the singing. I still have to write peoms because I can't do-ri-me...lol

I liked the pace of this one! I could see it being a major hit at an Open Mic type night because it's .. well, fun to read. I know it's a darker/sadder topic and while that point comes across, the thing I like most about it is how emotionally removed from the situation the writer sounds to me. It elevates it from one person's strife, to the inevitable (if somewhat occasionally disappointing) pattern of the world and nature of man.

Hmm, all that to say I liked it. Kudos!