A first real argument with a friend inspired this spur-of-the-moment one. Criticism welcome! ---
my misspoken word, her deceiving assent. then all hell breaking loose. an awakening monster in whose eye i stand. its creator. oblivious one moment, on full alert the next.
what have i done?
i apologise. but it throws at me our carefully assembled house of cards, slaps aces across my face. i apologise. but it surges around me angered by the destruction it wreathed around what once was. i apologise. not fully knowing, afraid to move.
i wait.
the storm is passing.
there is a throbbing grayness, a defeat, a weary landscape of remorse. there is a new apology, accepted. the retreat is a handshake. the retreat, an embrace.
tomorrow is a new day, forgiven.
a quiet breeze lingers still. slaps an ace, slaps it onto my leg. i have tried for days,
but i just can't seem to shake it off.
Posts: 2568 | Location: Middle of Nowhere | Registered: 04-12-02
$, i really like this. powerful, palpable it left me with a feeling of angst that "i just an't seem to shake off" very well done... only suggestion is i think "slaps an ace across my face" would flow smoother than "slaps aces across my face" but other than that one minor thing it flows and works wonderfully. thanks for sharing DSK
Be strong, be courageous the sun has risen again and we can see. Today the earth has not claimed us, so let us live for who knows about tomorrow……
Posts: 513 | Location: new york | Registered: 12-31-09
$ well written. I like how you were able to capture the feeling and portray it in a way that so many of us can relate to. I agree with DSK about "aces" and aside from that there was only one other part I found sticky.
"Angered by the destruction it wreathed Around what once was"
The past tense of wreathed doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem. I also found its placement at the end of that line a little awkward. Might I suggest
"Angered by the destruction Engulfing everything that was"
Or some other tweak. But as a whole, I enjoyed it. Solid work
So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart
Posts: 76 | Location: The Wastelands | Registered: 06-14-11
Hello $ayna, Following are just my opinions. You are in control, you are the poet. First stanza I would remove the gerunds
my misspoken word, her deceived assent. all hell broke loose. an awakened monster in whose eye i stand. its creator. oblivious one moment, on full alert the next.
I think it makes the stanza stronger and transitions better to the following “what have I done. I also agree with ace instead of aces. Also might considered removing “carefully,” in line 3 of third stanza. Might try the demon in line 6, third stanza rather than using “it” again. Use the storm passes instead of passive voice in stanza 5. Delete “there is” in line 1 of stanza 6. Love “a weary landscape of remorse.” Delete “there is” in line 3 of stanza 6. Delete is in line 5 of stanza 6. Delete all after stanza 6 except “a quite breeze lingers still; I just can’t seem to shake it,” delete” off.” Great poem with heart-felt expression, I like it very much.
