Aire and KO, I applaud your collaboration sincerely. I feel like throwing myself to the ground beating the earth with my fists in resistance to the truth and wisdom of the observations made in your poem, and I still might do that....... but in my heart I know it to reflect a truth of mortal man and his finite existence.
Blessed be all those who can surrender to Truth of this life and blessed be the rest of us doomed to tears.
I'm so glad to have sneaked in to read QL today. What a treat!!
Posts: 3724 | Location: Brisbane, Australia | Registered: 07-26-02
This piece confused me a little bit. The first stanza seems to be a meeting of a man and his one true love. Perhaps this is the beginning of a relationship?
I really like the begginning of the second part. I like the internal rhyme of "bottomelines" and "deadlines." I like the idea of growing out of someone, as if they are just another toy that one day you will be too old to play with. Nice alliteration with "grind out grief" and again, nice end rhyme with "smile" and "awhile."
I then get confused by that last line in the second part.
quote: Now I am dreaming of someone else laying next to her.
Is the speaker dreaming of this because he doesnt want to be with her anymore? Or is he dreaming this because he's afraid now that he's hardened by the harsh world and older that she will leave him for someone else?
The end of this poem, for me at least, is weaker than the rest of the poem. The literary technique of end direct rhymes seems to take over the style of the poem. Since the entire poem is littered with rhyme, I think the use of a more subtle rhyming techniqe might be more effective. Also if the speaker continued with the telling of his relationship with this girl, I think that would make it a stronger poem. Speculations such as the one made in the last stanza are almost beating the reader over the head. If that's the point you want to make, make it through your imagery or through the events.
Either way, I think this is a lovely start. There are some really great images in here. The rat-race world, forever poetry, minutes suspended.
Thanks for sharing
-Kari. _____________________________ Stella Splendens December 22, 1985-March 27, 2003 Blast
Dudette, I really like all the questions you ask of the author and look forward to KO's male perspective in the response.
I guess I enjoyed the last section for the downward spiral of emotion it conveyed. The circle of pain pulling one down through disappointment, frustration, anger, anguish, helplessness, theoretical insanity...... and tinkering with hopelessness and cynicism.
What do you do when you're in that place?
There's a lot of scope for exploration of deep things in your poem, KO.
Posts: 3724 | Location: Brisbane, Australia | Registered: 07-26-02
hahahaha .... firstly, thank you Dudette. Wow! You have grown into a new level of criticism. Thank you so much. Thank you so very very much. I agree with you. I really do. Especially in that last part of the poem. Nevertheless, we are moving slowly toward achieving that goal you talked about. This would not be possible at all without feedback from people like you or help from good people like Airedale, Lilredhed or Emerald. Again, thank you. It means a lot to me.
quote: Now I am dreaming of someone else laying next to her.
Funny. Airedale was writing to me about the same line. It was a bit ambiguous. At first I meant something else but later decided to leave it as that. At present, it suppose to mean that I dreaming of someone else sleeping next to her so I can be free.
Emeraldeyes, I am glad you like it. I really do. Coming from you means a lot to me. Thank you so very much for the much needed comment & support. It made my day more than you can imagine.
Circular reason (great name partner!) ... it's a piece that's close to my heart. It's my observation of the world and of people around me. They used to worship and cherish every moment with their love ones but now they suddenly just forgot about it. Everyone used to be in search of that special someone ... but it's a never ending search. The grass is always greener on the other side and feelings never last forever.
But the most of all, I want to write about how we treat our love ones. What we used to promised to our love ones. This is a reminder to myself of what she means to me and I should never take her for granted. Ever!
To understand this, makes me love my wife even more.
Awwww.... look at this. you all can puke now
"Nunc Scio Quit Sit Amor" But always remember - it's still not a premarital sex if you don't plan on getting married
Can I just quote dudette and pretend i'm smart like her?
She's said it all, but i would like to point out that I liked the lines:
Does this mortal know his search is done?
that "together" means he's undone,
and minutes pause suspended?
The only thing I could complain about is the spacing between each line. Other than that, dudette said it all (and better than I could have). thanks for sharing, this was certainly and interesting collab.
-Harv Stella Splendens December 22, 1985-March 27, 2003
Posts: 4454 | Location: Earth, Milky Way | Registered: 11-29-01
Wow. So darn insightful. The morning-dew freshness of it, the noontime fading of that, and the insanity of it. I liked the morning noon and night subdivisions in the format. Sad, for many of us "growing out" is the natural order of things... I'm so glad you're writing on exactly what you wouldn't allow to happen from your side. And Aire, I felt the aire-y touch on coming across "irony" and "circular reason", even before I read your stamp in the end. Nicely done and thought-provoking, both of you.
Posts: 4372 | Location: Back At Quoteland :) | Registered: 08-18-02
Did a QL search for poetry between 12-01-2006 and 12-31-06, and pulled this up....
Rereading this piece almost a year later, I still like it as much as ever (no change in my feelings)... unlike the poem's lament re changes.
Dudette noted: The end of this poem, for me at least, is weaker than the rest of the poem. The literary technique of end direct rhymes seems to take over the style of the poem. Since the entire poem is littered with rhyme, I think the use of a more subtle rhyming techniqe might be more effective.
I see your point. Perhaps this suggests how we each handle our sorrows differently? I can't speak for KO, but I can say I know folks (and I include myself) who channel their deepest feelings into a discipline of rhymed poetry b/c the mental activity of writing carefully crafted end-rhymes assists the writer to transcend his/her visceral pain. Does that make sense? So, in "Circular Reasoning" you have the speaker tossing more light, free-verse questions into the ether in the opening verse whereas in the middle stanza, there are no questions, only observations of dissatisfaction. The final verse comes 'full circle' with one more question but now it's tighter, harder, and the speaker answers himself with overt (flippant?) rhymes to perhaps camouflage pain.
KO, loved your explanation for the inspiration of this piece. Your suggestion re 'puking' was blasphemous!
------------------------------ The opposite of joy is not sorrow. It is unbelief. ~ Leslie Weatherhead Picture me with my ground teeth stalking joy--fully armed too, as it's a highly dangerous quest. ~ Flannery O'Connor
I think Noon is my fav. It feels very familiar to me and speaks bluntly to the nature of people, of who they are inside their own heads. How easily our heads are turned when we get bored.
Good job. Good reading you again.
Posts: 39 | Location: Cincinnati, Ohio, US | Registered: 11-29-07
PD-thanks for digging this one up out of the mud because I'm new here, and I had no idea such a poem was present. This poem holds much revelance to where I was yesterday, where I am today, and where I am tomorrow.
EE asks, "what do you do when you are in that place?"-it depends, but for a long while you will do insane before doing anything else.
I have been in a deep exploration in a "circle of pain, driving me insane...a lost battle fought to the death of the soul over "the natural order of things..."
It would be great to see more added to this poem or the poem made into an anthology.
[This message was edited by Pierced-by-His-Arrow on 11-26-08 at 08:52 PM.]
It has been a while, over 2 years now since I wrote this poem (but all the credit to Airedale). It's good to read it over again and it couldn't have come in a better time. It was the reflection of me in the past (a good one I must add).
The truth is, reality is always a lot harder than the ideal World. It's as cliche' as "easier said than done". Being married 3 years (always better than worst) with a delightful baby boy (most of the time) doesn't make this circling any easier.
Sometimes you just want to accept that you are destined to fail. You are just delaying a losing battle. You can theorize it anyway you want but this is the way it is and probably always be.
Thank you for listening to a long whinning and thank you for reviving a piece that's very close to my heart.
"Nunc Scio Quit Sit Amor" But it's still not premarital sex if you don't plan on getting married
