I know everything that I will never be good enough for
She sobs, catching every shard of air as it hits her lungs
I don't need to look in the mirror to see everything that isn't there
She cries, not bothering to catch her tears as they pound the tile floor
I never let myself dream of silly illusory things
She whispers, her soul melting from her eyes.

I know everything I will never be good enough for
She states, hate flaring from her voice
I don't get my hopes up...just to see them fall
She screams, hearing the cracks of sorrow in her words
I never let anyone prove you wrong
She sighs, feeling your shame bore into her pores.

I remember every word you ever spoke
Every inch that cut into who I was
I know everything that I will never be good enough for...
She speaks clearly, her eyes dry
I don't cry myself to sleep
She laughs, her nails piercing into her palms
Because I knew my dreams held no greater comfort
I never realized this mess you created...
But I know everything I will never be good enough for
She finishes, with a smile that tears through her lips...

Okay, seriously not trying to bump...but wondering if I could maybe get some genuine feedback on what made this maybe not so good?...please?...I'm always trying to improve!

Thanks!!

This poem is not the type of poem that I enjoy reading. It smacks of self loathing and despair. The structure could be improved by having the same number of lines in each paragraph. It is hard to critique because it is not good and it is not bad. I guess it could be regarded as a work of mediocrity. The upshot is that the poem is not entirley lame. (I have authored a number of works of mediocrity.) I would rather have a honest comment about a poem than to have no comment at all. Some of my more recent poems have goose eggs (zero comments) but that is not entirely my fault. (I have taken a sabbatical from writing to pursue other endavors but 2009 has not been a complete bust.)

The poetry forum needs fresh eggs, fresh milk and some hot biscuits to butter.

phantom_delta, thank you very much! I agree I would rather have honest comments as well. I just wanted feedback, not nice words to make me feel good about myself (though they are nice at times). This poem was one that I felt I needed to write for myself just because it helped with things I had going on in my childhood, so thats why I am not too disappointed, I got what I wanted from it...

I think this poem has a lot of potential. I think you need to give the reader just a little more insight into who she is talking to. I know it was probably intentional to be ambiguous, but I think being too ambiguous kind of forces the reader to revel too much in the pain and not enough of a chance to get involved in the story, moment, epoch, etc. Also it may be a little too self loathing. In order for the reader to find the character endearing is a moment of redemption. We need a glimmer of strength or a twist here that suggests what she will never be good enough for has something to do with moving on and not needing the listener's permission to enjoy life or something. Right now it feels incomplete.

However, all of that said, you have some really strong emotions and some captivating phrases (souls melting, tears pounding the tile floor, cracks of sorrow, etc.). We just need to identify with the subject more.

For some reason when I reread this I am reminded of Bella from Twighlight in the second book when she has this internal dialogue of how Edward was so smart to have left her because he was perfect and she'll never be good enough, etc.

Tell me a little bit more about this. What was your goal?


PS - good to read you again!