I have not composed anything new in some time now but I am hoping to once again find some inspiration from you all. I do have a collection of works I have not shared here written in the past few years so I think I will start with a few of those until I begin producing again (if I inadvertently re-share something, someone please let me know).

Any and all critiques and comments welcome. Thanks in advance to all who reply.

Closing Chorus

In a smooth caress of wound up strings
A shadow moves through broken dreams,
Now but a ghost of former things,
A vagabond of memories.

Vibrations shake his hollow guise
With past regret and true good-byes,
As peaks erode and valleys rise,
His ballad preys on sober eyes;

And hearts can only bear such pain
Within the midst of love's refrain,
What hope he holds thus slowly wanes-
For two hearts stopped; though one remained.

In a smooth caress of wound up strings
A sundered soul quite softly sings.

Written 12/27/2007

-Aeras

I always thought the score beautiful then the Music stopped.


”And hearts can only bear such pain
Within the midst of love's refrain,
What hope he holds thus slowly wanes-
For two hearts stopped; though one remained.”

Jack

Aeras~~this is the most exquisite thing I have read by you yet. My "E" word is reserved for those works that really move me with their beauty. This one qualifies for a capital "E"~~EXQUISITE!

This is pure music itself:

"In a smooth caress of wound up strings
A shadow moves through broken dreams,
Now but a ghost of former things,
A vagabond of memories."

I think it was especially effective repeating the first line in the last stanza. Excellent piece of poetry. My favorite of any I have read in a long time. If the others in your past collection are this superb, I eagerly await.

~~lb~~

"If a man should pick me wildflowers, he would hold my heart forever" J.

[This message was edited by lost butterfly on 01-11-09 at 10:28 AM.]

Really a lovely piece. These lines are so sad:

quote:

---

What hope he holds thus slowly wanes-
For two hearts stopped; though one remained.

---

A minor formatting question - Verse 1 rhymes A-B-A-almost B, then 2 and 3 are consistent throughout each. Were you trying to rhyme "strings", "dreams", "things" and "memories", or were the other verses just coincidences?

-----

Well, you got secrets and scars you hide
Well, you got closets with bones inside
Well, that's ok baby, So do I
I won't criticize
Baby, I'll just share the ride

Aeras,

I really liked this piece quite a bit. I think the rhyme scheme in this poem works toward your advantage. Most people know I'm wary of rhyme, but I think this only because it's not something I'm very great with.

I adore the phrase "A vagabond of memories." I agree with Rhon about the terrible sadness in the third stanza.

I don't really have any suggestions right now for this one. Except perhaps the very last line, the word "quite" I find myself stumbling over as I read it. That might be something to look into.

Thanks for sharing!

-Kari.
_____________________________
Stella Splendens
December 22, 1985-March 27, 2003
Blast

Jack: That is perhaps the greatest tragedy about wonderful music: that it must come to an end. Thank you for stopping by to share your thoughts.

LB: Your response is extremely kind. That first stanza that you have quoted was simply a point of inspiration that was developed very effortlessly. It was the resulting stanzas that proved more difficult and even ended up changing the original direction I had devised for this piece. Thank you for offering your praises and comments.

Rhon: As I said above in LB's reply, the first stanza was sort of born all at once. The rhyme scheme was simply a derivation of the thoughts in my head. The stanza's following were more consistent because I actually think about how I wanted to word them and what I wanted to portray.

I would say the first verse was more the coincidence and the latter stanzas more deliberate in their rhyme scheme. Overall thank you offering your comments and replying.

duDette: I have not read much of your works in a long time (except those recently posted) so I cannot comment on your statement of being poor at rhyme. But I would like to encourage and challenge you to give it mroe of a go .

You picked out one of my favorite phrases in this piece too. The image was one I couldn't ignore.

I will take into consideration your suggestion on the word "quite." I've already thought about it a little but it will take a bti mroe time to find a suitable replacement or drop it entirely. Originally I used it for proper syllable and sound count but I agree that maybe something else would work better, especially if I could find another word for the alliteration.

Overall thanks for stopping by to reply. I'm sure your works among others will help in forming a new desire and inspiration to write more.


Thanks to everyone who replied.

-Aeras

Good God this is great but some depressing sh*t. I like it like that. Uhhhhaaaa!!!


"Nunc Scio Quit Sit Amor"
But it's still not premarital sex
if you don't plan on getting married

Deliciously melancholy (objectively speaking). My one (very small) nit would be your title doesn't adequately reflect the poem's contents. Maybe something like "Closing Caress" or "Sundered" ??? I liked the marriage of "sundered" and "soul". In fact, I enjoyed reading the poem aloud for the audible beauty of your arranged words

------------------------------
The opposite of joy is not sorrow. It is unbelief. ~ Leslie Weatherhead
Picture me with my ground teeth stalking joy--fully armed too, as it's a highly dangerous quest. ~ Flannery O'Connor

I think I'm going to disagree with you, Aire. I really liked the title and I think the poem itself continues the theme noted by the title "Closing Chorus" with such musical references as:

"wound up strings"
"Vibrations"
"His ballad preys"
"love's refrain,"
"softly sings."

Also the word "Closing" (ending the relationship) is appropriately referenced throughout with such phrases as:

"broken dreams,
Now but a ghost of former things,
A vagabond of memories."

"past regret and true good-byes"

"two hearts stopped; though one remained."

Just my take on it. I felt the title was fitting.

~~lb~~

"If a man should pick me wildflowers, he would hold my heart forever" J.