The room is cramped,
There is no air,
There is no light,
To see who's there.
Nothing in front of me,
Nothing behind,
Nothing I can see,
Now I am blind.
Dirty air,
Clogs my lungs,
With every breath,
I taste rot on my tongue.
My mind is darkening,
I cannot breathe,
Although I try to fight it,
A pain takes me.
Nowhere to run,
Nowhere to hide,
Dropping my waste,
Right where my dead neighbor lies.
Soon a light,
The door is opening,
A sign,
A saying,
“Work will set you free”.
We revel in the sunlight,
Not knowing what will come next,
Happy for a breath of air,
That does not burn our lungs.
A harsh whistle,
A loud scream,
We are forced into the camp,
Into Aushwitz,
Where work will set us free.
Someday.

i will control the world with my words and no one will notice because my words will be the truth

[This message was edited by Realm of Dreams on 12-07-08 at 11:00 AM.]

Your poem has brought me back to this site, and back to responding.

This is very good, and I hope it gets the attention it deserves. I would suggest adding punctuation. Having seen it both ways, the punctuation makes your message stronger.

You offer your reader a real vision of that horrible trip, and a strong emotional connection to the protagonist. The mournful, ironic "someday" you close with lingers in the mind.

Welcome to Quoteland.

-----

Well, you got secrets and scars you hide
Well, you got closets with bones inside
Well, that's ok baby, So do I
I won't criticize
Baby, I'll just share the ride

Disturbingly dark mood (which is needed for such a sober subject). The first half of your poem reads like someone gasping for air... short, staccato lines. About halfway thru the poem, the "tightness" unravels a bit, less end rhymes, while some of the lines grow longer and more jagged. Not sure if that's intentional or not.

Typo?

Soon a light
the door is opening
a sign a saying ~ Did you mean, "A sign is saying"?

Thank you for sharing and for the reminder of how evil evil is.

p.s. This is weird, rhon831, but your absence at QL actually came to my mind early this morning and I wondered what you were up to.

------------------------------
The opposite of joy is not sorrow. It is unbelief. ~ Leslie Weatherhead
Picture me with my ground teeth stalking joy--fully armed too, as it's a highly dangerous quest. ~ Flannery O'Connor

Welcome to QL! You have introduced yourself with 2 stellar offerings! In glancing at your profile I see that you are very young compared to the other writers on the site; if your are this talented now, I can't imagine what the future will hold. Please continue writing and sharing.

You have the critiques and applause of two of the best on the site, Airdale and Rhon. You are off to a wonderful start.

~~lb~~

"If a man should pick me wildflowers, he would hold my heart forever" J.

thank you all yes airedale there was a typo on that line and rhon i added in the punctuation thank you all

i will control the world with my words and no one will notice because my words will be the truth

Are you Jewish, just curious? I'm assuming (maybe stupidly) that you're writing this on behalf of family or loved ones.. if so you've done a hell of a job with the personification. Very bold abrupt imagery. Very sad. Thanks for the read.

Indeed, a well written reminder of things we want to forget; human nature for what it is.

Thank you for sharing this, and hopefully the words that were penned so long ago will remain true forever...”Never Again.”

“ Lionheart
~

"Make your choice, adventurous stranger, strike the bell and bide the danger, or wonder 'till it drives you mad, what would have happened if you had."

thank you all for your comments. Yes lilredhead i am Jewish but this was not a poem for remembrance of family members it was a school project for the book Night by Ellie Weisel.

i will control the world with my words and no one will notice because my words will be the truth

http://authspot.com/poetry/hol...st-remembrance-poem/

This is one I wrote