Ah nice idea of treasuring those bitter-sweet moments in words.
The feelings come through, however some lines may be bettered. I am tweaking your work some, if you don’t like it you of course don’t have to take it
. Please do read the reply though
.
Lines 2 and 4 of stanza two:
While our futures are at hand,
As we lose each others hands;Creative play on the usage of hands, literal and figurative; now how about making it:
With our futures in our hands
As we lose each others
’ hands.
Stanza 3,
Finally picked from all the weeds,
As we follow where our lives will lead;Something seems amiss in the expression, do you want to convey like:
Finally picked our future from among the weeds
And we follow to where our lives will lead
or
Finally picked our bloom from among the weeds
Is a day we'll remember,
Please hold me dear to your heart,
And please remember,-repetition of ‘remember’ doesn’t add to the poem, I’d replace one of them with a synonym. I’d not change the second one, since there it seems to have a special meaning… we want our friends to not just, say, ‘memorize’ or 'recall' rather
remember and ‘remember forever’ is a common phrasing (the following line in your poem is ‘Friends Forever’). Maybe make it "day we'll treasure" – treasure or cherish etc.
First stanza,
And leave these childhood days,
So far behind;the last line is abrupt. I see you haven’t kept a constant syllable count (and you don’t have to), I’d have rearranged the lines if there was no punctuation contancy, like,
And leave these childhood
days so far behind
-but here, maybe you can modify just the last line, say to,
"And leave these childhood days,
somewhere so far behind."
-That doesn’t seem the best option, maybe you can come up with something better?
OK, that’s all
!
And now for the praise: Good ending. The third and fourth stanza are worded conceptually – the third stanza carrying seeds-weeds-fields-bloomed etc. and the next one tears-hopes-dreams. The feelings of sadness, expectant nostalgia, fear taking precedence over anticipation, wish for togetherness, are touchingly expressed.
Someday you might look back at this poem either with regret or fulfillment, try to ensure that it is the latter, either way you would be a few steps into "where our lives would lead".
----
"My mother and father desired a child and they begot me.
And I wanted a mother and a father and I begot night and the sea."
-Kahlil Gibran, "Sand and foam"
[This message was edited by LetswriteNshare on 10-05-04 at 11:07 AM.]
