The other day I was reading some kids' books to chill out, and discovered some kewl poems and decided to post them. I'd be starting a thread for ODDish poems and maybe one for CUTEish poems in a while. You may add on to this collection of funny poems…please do provide the ATTRIBUTIONS to your contributions! Enjoy!!

quote:

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From "Spectacular Spooks" : poems chosen by Brian Moses

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Is It True? by Clare Bevan
"You don’t believe in phantoms?
You don’t believe I’m true?
That’s fine by me,"
Said the little ghost.
"I don’t believe in YOU!"
----

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Advice to a Young Ghost by Trevor Harvey
"Please remember,
Whatever you do,
Don’t spook until
You’re spooken to."
----

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Teasing Ghosts by Tim Pointon
They are behind me as I walk-
I can hear their whispery talk.
They make the twigs go crack,
and pull faces at my back.

I can feel them stare and stare-
but whenever I turn they’re not…
----

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quote:

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From "The Bloomsbury book of Love Poems" : Selected by Benjamin Zephaniah

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I Luv Me Mudder by Benjamin Zephaniah
I luv me mudder an me mudder luvs me
we cum so far from over de sea,
we heard dat de streets were paved wid gold
Sometimes it's hot, sometimes it's cold,
I luv me mudder an me mudder luvs me
we try fe live in harmony
Yu might know her as Valerie
But to me she's just my mummy.

She shouts at me daddy so loud sometimes
She's always been a friend of mine
She's always doing de best she can
She works so hard down ina Englan,
She's always singin sum kinda song
She has big muscles an she very, very strong,
She likes pussy cats an she luvs cashew nuts
An she don't bother wid no if an buts.
I luv me mudder an me mudder luvs me
we cum so far from over de sea,
we heard dat de streets were paved wid gold
Sometimes it's hot, sometimes it's cold,
I luv her and whatever we do
Dis is a luv I know is true,
My people, I'm talking to yu
Me an my mudder we luv yu too.
----

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Love Bud by Anon ((Anonymous))
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face.
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry;
Weed make a swell pear.
----

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quote:

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From "this poem doesn't rhyme" : Edited by Gerard Benson

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Quarrel by Trad

"He says to me, he says,
D'you want a thick ear? he says.
Who? I says.
You! He says.
Me? I says.
Yes, he says.
I says, Oooh."
----

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Aaaaaagh! by Martin Doyle
Aaaaagh! I screamed
for no
reason
at all.
----

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The Snoddywig by Trad

Maa-a-a?
Yes, my dear.
Maaaaa-a-a?
Yes, my dear.
Maa-aa, do plums have legs?
No, my dear.
Then danged if I ain't ate a snoddywig!
----

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A Vampire Considers Buying a New Mirror by Peter Mortimer
On
Reflection
No.
----

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Swansong by Trad
Swan, swim over the sea.
Swim, swan, swim!
Swan swim back again.
Well swum, swan.
----

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Three Riddled Riddles by Martyn Wiley and Ian McMillan

1. I have nine legs
I carry an umbrella.
I live in a box
at the bottom of a ship.
At night
I play the trombone.

What am I?

Answer: I've forgotten.


2. You see me at dawn
with the clouds in my hair.
I run like a horse
and sing like a nightingale.
I collect stamps
and coconuts.

What am I?

Answer: I'm not sure.


3. I taste like grapefruit.
I swim like a chair.
I hang on the trees
and people tap my face
rake my soil
and tell me jokes.

What am I?

Answer: I've really no idea.
----

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quote:

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From "Wish you were here (And I Wasn't)" by Colin McNaughton
**note, the foll. poems are by Colin McNaughton**

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Sea saw me
When I was three I went to see
The sea and let the sea see me.
Sea see me see me see sea
I saw the sea and the sea saw me.
----

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A flight of Fancy
I planted a pocket of birdseed
In a line as straight as an arrow.
I didn't get much in the way of a crop,
Just a parrot, two ducks and a sparrow.
----

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Summer is the silly season
Summer is the silly season,
Everyone goes mad.
Everyone takes off their clothes
Even Mum and Dad!
----

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Fishing for Compliments-
I've been fishing for compliments
…with baited breath
……in the river of life.
So far I've caught:
…a "My, what a clever boy",
……a "Hi, handsome",
………a "What a man" and
…………a "You're really funny".
I did catch a Small Insult
…but I threw it back.
----

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Row, Row, Row your boat:
Row, Row, Row your boat,
Gently down the stream.
Pull the plug and watch your boat
Become a submarine.

Row, Row, Row your boat,
Smile and pull the plug.
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Glug-glug-glug-glug-glug.
----

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Going Nowhere, Fast
I'm going slightly round the twist,
I'm going round the bend.
I'm going round in circles.
I've fallen down. The end.
----

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hope you got tickled as much as I did!

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"The statue of a naked woman. (…)you understand what the figure must be. The human spirit. The heroic in man. The aspiration and the fulfillment, both. Uplifted in its quest – and uplifting by its own essence. Seeking God – and finding itself. Showing that there is no higher reach beyond its own form. …" ~ Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

[This message was edited by LetswriteNshare on 10-13-04 at 11:10 AM.]

"Loot" by Rudyard Kipling -- a cutesy, can be found here.

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"My mother and father desired a child and they begot me.
And I wanted a mother and a father and I begot night and the sea."
-Kahlil Gibran, "Sand and foam"

something to tickle you too, LWAS Here are poems by Kenn Nesbitt. Enjoy!

***

Don't Bring Camels in the Classroom

Don't bring camels in the classroom.
Don't bring scorpions to school.
Don't bring rhinos, rats, or reindeer.
Don't bring mice or moose or mule.

Pull your penguin off the playground.
Put your python in a tree.
Place your platypus wherever
you think platypi should be.

Lose your leopard and your lemur.
Leave your llama and your leech.
Take your tiger, toad and toucan
anywhere but where they teach.

Send your wombat and your weasel
with your wasp and wolverine.
Hide your hedgehog and hyena
where you're sure they won't be seen.

Please get rid of your gorilla.
Please kick out your kangaroo.
No the teacher didn't mean it
when she called the class a "zoo".

*

(I'm Always in Parentheses)

(I'm always in parentheses)
(which makes me hard to hear)
(regardless if I'm yelling loud)
(or if you're leaning near.)

(It sounds as if I'm whispering)
(my voice is just a squeek)
(and even if I scream and shout)
(it comes out soft and meek.)

(Parentheses imprison me)
(they hold me like a jail.)
(I try to break these tiny curves)
(but every time I fail.)

(I'm sick of these parentheses,)
(these little muffling arcs.)
I WISH I WAS IN CAPITALS
WITH EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!

*

My Frog Has Got a Steering Wheel

My frog has got a steering wheel,
a radio, a door,
a hefty V-8 engine
and a stick shift on the floor.

My frog is a convertible
with comfy leather seats.
I drive my frog to go to work
or cruise around the streets.

But now my frog is missing.
Though parked it on the road,
I didn't plug the meter
and it must have gotten toad.

*

Willies Wart - by Linda Knaus and Kenn Nesbitt.

Willie had a stubborn wart
upon his middle toe.
Regardless, though, of what he tried
the wart refused to go.

So Willie went and visited
his family foot physician,
who instantly agreed
it was a stubborn wart condition.

The doctor tried to squeeze the wart.
He tried to twist and turn it.
He tried to scrape and shave the wart.
He tried to boil and burn it.

He poked it with a pair of tongs.
He pulled it with his tweezers.
He held it under heat lamps
and he crammed it into freezers.

Regrettably these treatments
were of very little use.
He looked at it and sputtered,
"Ach! I cannot get it loose!

"I'll have to get some bigger tools
to help me to dissect it.
I'll need to pound and pummel it,
bombard it and inject it."

He whacked it with a hammer
and he yanked it with a wrench.
He seared it with a welding torch
despite the nasty stench.

He drilled it with a power drill.
He wrestled it with pliers.
He zapped it with a million volts
from large electric wires.

He blasted it with gamma rays,
besieged it with corrosives,
assaulted it with dynamite
and nuclear explosives.

He hit the wart with everything
but when the smoke had cleared,
poor Willie's stubborn wart remained,
and Willie'd disappeared.

More here

-

much love, light and laughter,
ananya.

*~Come play with my children feel the peace and Scatter some joy.~*
~*Blowing out someone else's candle doesn't make your's burn any brighter.*~
*** Satyameva Jayate aamuche bridvaakya aahe. ***

You want funny kid poems? Check out Shel Silverstein. He's great.

One I like:

Mr. Grumpledump's Song
Shel Silverstein

Everything's wrong,
Days are too long,
Sunshine's too hot,
Wind is too strong.
Clouds are too fluffy,
Grass is too green,
Ground is too dusty,
Sheets are too clean.
Stars are too twinkly,
Moon is too high,
Water's too drippy,
Sand is too dry.
Rocks are too heavy,
Feathers too light,
Kids are too noisy,
Shoes are too tight.
Folks are too happy,
Singin' their songs.
Why can't they see it?
Everything's wrong!
Mr. Grumpledump's Song
Shel Silverstein

Everything's wrong,
Days are too long,
Sunshine's too hot,
Wind is too strong.
Clouds are too fluffy,
Grass is too green,
Ground is too dusty,
Sheets are too clean.
Stars are too twinkly,
Moon is too high,
Water's too drippy,
Sand is too dry.
Rocks are too heavy,
Feathers too light,
Kids are too noisy,
Shoes are too tight.
Folks are too happy,
Singin' their songs.
Why can't they see it?
Everything's wrong!



"I'm telling you. People come and go in this Forest, and they say, 'It's only Eeyore, so it doesn't count.' They walk to and fro saying, 'Ha ha!' But do they know anything about A? They don't. It's just three sticks to them. But to the Educated - mark this, little Piglet- to the Educated, not meaning Poohs and Piglets, it's a great and glorious A."--Eeyore, The House at Pooh Corner

[This message was edited by EeyoreLynn on 11-02-04 at 07:59 PM.]

Boobs by Arcadia Flynn.

Oh I wish I had boobs that would wobble
Mine just stay still in one place
In the breast hall of fame
You won't see my name
For my boobs there would be a disgrace

Sure boobs of my size have their merit
They're easy to fit with a bra
And when I go for a dip
You won't see one slip…out
They stay put…just where they are

And I'm not one to seek much attention
So you won't find me strutting about
In a boob tube that's trying
by gravity defying
to leave no room, not even for doubt

But I sure envy big breasted women
I've seen them at parties you know
With all confidence thrust
In their mighty big bust
Entrancing the men as they go

Though I've heard from a big bosomed buddy
That it's not all it's cracked up to be
She says in frustration
"Try to hold conversation
When there's only two things a guy sees"

Now if I paid a few grand to enlarge them
To, say thirty-six b or c
Would they still look so natural
And could I class them as collateral
Sorta like home improvements on me

Now I've not taken this boob thing just lightly
I've done quite a bit of research
As I try to keep abreast
In my mammary quest
I've found there's a bit to be learned

There's questions that need to be answered
Like cleavage, how wide and how deep
I can have nipples bigger
But somehow I figured
That could poke Sweetie's eye in his sleep

Oh, I wish I had boobs that were awesome
I'd buy a bright red bathing suit
On the beach I would run
In slow motion for fun
To show off my best attribute

Now don't think I'd just get them for vanity
There's much I'd aspire to do
I could feed many babies
When I was lactating
And for convenience, I could offer drive-thru

In a t-shirt I'd test air conditioning
They could 'see' if they had it too low
And if I stood outside
My breasts pumped up with pride
Police'd use me to stop traffic flow

Well you can see I've a lot to consider
For the big plunge, I need some more time
So I'll keep you updated
But for now they're just fated
To stay as they are for a while

And there's my sweetie who totally accepts me
For he loves each and every little…bit
He says "stay as you are
You're the most beautiful by far"
As he gazes into my eyes…not my tits

________________

i believe that harmonies are colours
every time i paint it sharpens my harmony.
yesterday i tried to paint you,
but the colours weren’t beautiful enough.
~Beyonce Knowles.

________________
-LaLi

My mother says I'm sickening by Jack Prelutsky:
My mother say's I'm sickening, my mother says I'm crude. She says this when she sees me playing pingpong with my food. She doesn't seem to like it when I slurp my bowl of stew and now she's got a list of things she says I musn't do.
Do not catapult the carrots, do not juggle globs of fat. Do not drop the mashed potatoes on the gerbil or the cat!
Never punch the pumpkin pudding! Never tunnel through the bread
Put no peas into your pocket! Place no noodles on your head!
Do not squeeze the steamed zucchini! Do not make the melon ooze!
Never stuff vanilla yogurt in your little sister’s shoes!
Draw no faces in the ketchup! Make no little gravy pools!
I wish my mother wouldn’t make so many, useless rules.

Ogden Nash is great with funny poems!

Celery

Celery, raw
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.


The Firefly

The firefly's flame Is something for which science has no name
I can think of nothing eerier
Than flying around with an unidentified glow on a
person's posteerier.


Just Keep Quiet and Nobody Will Notice

There is one thing that ought to be taught in all the colleges,
Which is that people ought to be taught not to go around always making apologies.
I don't mean the kind of apologies people make when they run over you or borrow five dollars or step on your feet,
Because I think that is sort of sweet;
No, I object to one kind of apology alone,
Which is when people spend their time and yours apologizing for everything they own.
You go to their house for a meal,
And they apologize because the anchovies aren't caviar or the partridge is veal;
They apologize privately for the crudeness of the other guests,
And they apologzie publicly for their wife's housekeeping or their husband's jests;
If they give you a book by Dickens they apologize because it isn't by Scott,
And if they take you to the theater, they apologize for the acting and the dialogue and the plot;
They contain more milk of human kindness than the most capacious diary can,
But if you are from out of town they apologize for everything local and if you are a foreigner they apologize for everything American.
I dread these apologizers even as I am depicting them,
I shudder as I think of the hours that must be spend in contradicting them,
Because you are very rude if you let them emerge from an argument victorious,
And when they say something of theirs is awful, it is your duty to convince them politely that it is magnificent and glorious,
And what particularly bores me with them,
Is that half the time you have to politely contradict them when you rudely agree with them,
So I think there is one rule every host and hostess ought to keep with the comb and nail file and bicarbonate and aromatic spirits on a handy shelf,
Which is don't spoil the denouement by telling the guests everything is terrible, but let them have the thrill of finding it out for themselves.


There's many more where that came from... a good beginning though!

The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time. ~ James Taylor

These are from The State of Poetry by Roger McGough

Writer's Block
The excitement I felt
as I started the poem
Disappeared on reaching
the end of the fourth line


Children's Writer

John in the garden
Playing goodies and baddies

Janet in the bedroom
Playing mummies and daddies

Mummy in the kitchen
Washing and wiping

Daddy in the study
Stereotyping


Five Ways to Help You Pass Safely through a Dark Wood Late at Night

1. Whistle a tune your father whistled when you were a child

2. Cross the first two fingers of your left hand

3. If you lose sight of the moon hold it in the mind's eye

4. Imagine the colours that surround you waiting for the first kiss of morning

5. Keep a Kalashnikov in the glove department


Time Flies

We're led to believe
But it's us that fly
Time sits on its hands
As we rush by

i wrote this in school one day when i got bored:

ULTIMATE PARTY POEM
when life gives you lemons
make lemonade
then spike it with vodka
and get yourself laid